December

I'm on break from school, which is a nice mental break if nothing else. It hasn't exactly been relaxing, but it's all good. A was super sick over Christmas but at least we didn't have any hospital trips this time so that was nice. TC did punch my nephew in the face on Christmas Day and loosen his tooth, so I win for parenting the Worst Redheaded Kid Ever, ughhh. Classes are cancelled over the holidays but I'll be having a conversation with his instructor when we go back to martial arts in the new year. I think a lecture from him will have more impact on TC than mine did.

I finished the fall semester with a 4.0, which is pretty surreal to me. I hold no illusion that I'll keep that up in the long-term, but it sure felt nice to start off so well. My next class is a Bible one and then in the second half of the semester I'm taking my next Psych class which is Intro to Research. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but as Kate pointed out, at least I don't have to go to the library and hunt stuff down to photocopy, since the LU library is all online.

I'm still sick with stomach problems and finally made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. I'm really looking forward to that, because I'm sure he's going to want to do the test I've been putting off for about ten years. Tim Hawkins has a nice song about it that I'm sure I'll be humming that day. I'm assuming he won't find anything wrong, since every test I have ever had done has shown nothing, but it will make Tom happy if I go. He's tired of me being sick & cranky I guess???

So today's the last day of 2012 and I can say mostly good riddance. The good always outweighs the bad, but this wasn't my favorite year to say the least. I am thankful though, that I can still say that it is well with my soul.

November

I noticed that I've blogged maybe once a month this fall. I think you can tell that I've gone back to school.  I don't see this changing anytime soon, as school has taken up pretty much any and all free time that I used to have. I also discovered, much to my joy, that being an online student means you don't get days off for holidays. I had work due on Thanksgiving day, oy.  I'm more than halfway done PSYC 210, and then I'll be off for about a month before the spring term starts. Looking forward to seeing daylight again!

Black Friday

First World Problems

Go watch this:

First World problems read by Third World people

Your day just got better, right? Mine sure did. I have nothing to complain about.

Recovery Walks! 2012

Today was Recovery Walks!, a walk to "raise awareness that drug and alcohol addiction is a public health concern; overcome stigma; put a positive face on recovery; provide hope that people do recover; honor the people and organizations that provide services for the recovery community; show solidarity; and honor those who have not survived this disease."

Because I have 11 years of continuous sobriety, I got to be in the Honor Guard (for 10 years & up).  Being in the Honor Guard feels a bit like your birthday. People make a little fuss over you, give you a sash with a numbered badge on it, make you all stand together for a group picture, and then have you lead off the Walk. I'll be honest, it feels pretty awesome.

I volunteered for Pro-Act this year, so I was at the registration table for a three hours before the Walk began. Once it started I joined the Honor Guard at the front and off we went. There were 6 or 7 people carrying the Walk banner right in front of me, and after a minute I realized that the man right in front of me was Ted Williams, also known as The Golden Voice.

If you aren't familiar with him, this video gives a synopsis of his story. It's really incredible.

We walked for several blocks, and then one of the men carrying the banner turned around and said he was going to step back and I should take his place. I was surprised but said ok. I got to chatting with the men on either side of me. The man on my left introduced himself as Dave, and asked where I was involved. I told him where I was from and that I was currently a homemaker but going back to school in the hopes of becoming a substance abuse counselor. He said he thought that was great and that he loved hearing what different people were doing to get involved. I then asked what he did. He told me that he was the Deputy Director of Demand Reduction for the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy (David Mineta). I'm not often speechless, but this came pretty close. I also chatted with the man to my right, who introduced himself as Gary. It was a delight chatting and walking together. After I got home I discovered that Gary is actually Gary Tennis, Secretary of Pennsylvania's Department of Drug & Alcohol Programs. I'm pretty sure by tomorrow I will find out that the other man walking with us was the Pope. It was absolutely humbling, amazing and surreal.  (And something else that's amazing; if you watch that video and you see Ted's sober living coach, Eric? He took this picture for me; how cool is that?)

I love this Walk, and everything it represents. And being blessed to walk with people who have the power to truly make a difference in the lives of people seeking treatment was beyond words. And the funny thing was that as I walked with them, I felt like we could be equals. I realized that as I was driving home, and it brought me to tears. For eighteen years I have regretted that I didn't stay in school and get my degree. My disease of alcoholism took that from me. I never really thought about trying to finish because I believed myself unworthy of a college education. I wasted the chance I was given. But now I'm doing it, finally doing it, and I can walk tall on this journey, and know that it's ok to believe in myself, and to imagine that I can help people find long term recovery.

Recovery has given me many gifts, and I love that it continues to surprise me. Plus, I get to wear the super cool sash, which I really think I need to wear on grocery store trips or when I'm picking up the kids from school.

Senior College Student

{best of the senior college student memes here}

I started college twenty years ago this month, and I love that God timed it so I would start again now. When I applied to college the first time I was looking for an education, but what I wanted in the short term was Christian community. I chose a small, Presbyterian school that I had visited during some missions conferences, and was thrilled to be accepted. I had always wanted Christian friends and craved those kinds of relationships. I was sure this was finally going to be where I found a circle of friends that I could pray with, be real with and grow with in our faith.
It didn't take long to realize that I had made mistake, and there was really no Christian community to be found there. My roommate was a believer, but she turned out to be a complete psycho who wanted me out of the room. (She eventually moved out.) There was one tiny club for Christians but it just seemed nerdy and there wasn't anyone there I thought I could connect with. I gave up on Christian friends and just tried to make any friends I could. This was the beginning of my problem drinking, downward spiral, etc. In hindsight it's easy to see that I should have left and gone home, or applied elsewhere and tried to transfer. But at 18 I didn't think I had a choice, and assumed I was stuck there. I did what I could to fit in, somehow still always being alone and isolated, my faith fading.
So twenty years later, I am starting over and I get my first message from one of my new professors. She went over some basic information for the course, and then closed with this:
"I can't wait to see what God has for us together this term. I am looking forward to meeting each of you and getting to know you. I am already praying for you, but if you have specific prayer requests that you would like to share with me, I would welcome your emails. I like to be able to pray for you with specificity. I pray that God will bless each of us as we work together, learning and strengthening our daily walk. I look forward to hearing from you.  I urge you to commit yourself to live out this verse: The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.  Proverbs 21:5"
I cried when I read that. I never thought that I would be able to go back to finish my degree, and I certainly never even sought to find that Christian college community again. To get my first message from a professor and read about prayer and scripture was just overwhelming. I love that God gives us gifts like this. I'm excited for this new chapter, and feel so blessed that I can do it the way I wanted to twenty years ago.

Women of Faith

I can't stop singing this! It was one of the finals songs we sang at Women of Faith this weekend, and I can't describe how it moved me. If you've never gone to an event like this, please do. There is nothing else like it; the experience of worshipping our Lord with 11,000 other women is so moving, so powerful. It is like a tiny glimpse of what Heaven must be like, praising Him together. There were many speakers, in particular women like Christine Caine, who have such a painful & beautiful testimony of God's love and redemption.

Oh, and also, there's this:

Like my tiara?

Random Things

A, 8th grade (last year of junior high)

E, 5th grade (last year of elementary school)

TC, Kindergarten

Kids are back to school, and TC started Kindergarten yesterday. I spent the afternoon crying. It's super hard to let him go after having him home with me for nearly six years. He isn't a kid I usually need a break from either; he's generally easy and affectionate and hilarious, so I'd really rather keep him at age 5 forever. I took a bunch of pictures, and waved at him bravely, and waited until I got in the car to fall apart. I don't know that I'd ever be ready for him to go. This year has kept me in a raw emotional state, so it doesn't take much at this point to get the tears rolling. I just didn't know that dropping the last child off for Kindergarten would be this much harder than the first.

I am all registered for school and my first textbook is on a UPS truck somewhere right now. My first class starts on the 17th, which is coming up quickly.

My mother, who has Parkinson's Disease, is having brain surgery next week. Specifically she is having Deep Brain Stimulation done. I'm pretty much wigging out about this and trying not to think about it much or do internet research. The surgery takes six hours, and she'll be awake for the first two. That's pretty much all I want or need to know at this point.

Hell Sucks

About 90 seconds on why hell sucks and why we've done a poor job of marketing heaven.

10,000 Reasons

This song has been on the radio lately, and I can't get enough of it. It just fills me up with such joy, praising God and thanking Him for all the '10,000 Reasons' in my own life. They don't play it enough on the radio so I'm thinking I need to go buy the CD.

I've been getting all my ducks in a row for college, and today went to my old high school to request my transcripts from TWENTY years ago. I gave the secretary the fax number for the college, and she said she would fax them over there today. One more little step that just feels HUGE to me. I can't say enough that this is GOD moving in my life, because I really could not do this on my own. I am terrified about doing this. I am not an anxious person and have really never been a fearful person, but every time I face another step in this process I can feel panic rising in me, and I get super agitated. So I just keep plowing forward, trying not to dwell on all my fears, and all of the reasons why this will clearly not work, and how I'm going to waste our money, and never have time to study raising three kids while Tom is working 75 hours a week, etc etc etc. I am not exaggerating when I say that I cannot see how in the world we are going to make this work.

When I left the district offices today I felt a bit lighter, one step closer. I got in the car and the 10,000 Reasons song came on and I just burst out laughing and crying. I sang it loudly (aren't you glad you weren't in the car with me?!) and then listened as the DJ talked afterward. She said sometimes we just need to be reminded that God will do what He has said He will do. That we sometimes need to think of our own 10,000 reasons to be thankful and remind ourselves of all that He has already done in our lives. And that whatever we may be facing, He has promised to care for us and watch over us. I'm telling you, I swear that woman was only talking to me. God definitely led her to speak to me, because I needed to hear it. I keep feeling so discouraged lately with my health, and as much as I try to be optimistic, it has been near impossible to believe that I am ever going to feel better. I really needed that encouragement today, thank you Lord.

Random Things

I realize I haven't blogged much since summer began, and I'd like to say I will blog more soon, but I don't think I will. Maybe it's just a dry blogging season or something. So here's the gist....

I dislike summer enormously, so I'm pleased that this one is going by quickly so far. Having a teacher strike in June shortened the summer nicely for me.
We had VBS last week which went swimmingly. (You can see Megan's decorations post here.) I was on the snack team again and we didn't kill anyone, so mission accomplished.
I'm going to take a meal to Kate and squeeze her new baby boy tomorrow.
I'm having some folks from my parents' group over on Wednesday night for coffee & snacks & hopefully much-needed laughs.
I saw a beautiful tribute for my Uncle Dane on his town's fair web site and cried a lot.
I'm still in the process of getting my ducks in a row to apply for college. Feeling more confident about it now.
My thyroid is still meh, but my bloodwork indicates I'm responding to the meds, so he increased my dose. I'm cautiously optimistic half the day, and cranky and negative about it the rest of the day.
I spoke at an Al-Anon meeting recently and it was a great experience.
We have baby bunnies in the front yard. Our stupid cat killed one and was eating it when we found him yesterday.
I hate election years.
The boys are enjoying martial arts classes.
My oldest will be a teenager in a few weeks. I'll be accepting sympathy cards & chocolate.

Relay for Life

This weekend was Relay for Life, which benefits local cancer patients through the American Cancer Society, along with furthering research and advocacy for patients.  My friend's daughter wanted to do Relay in memory of Miss Debby, so she and her mom became team captains. It was a great experience and we're hoping to do it again next year.

The premise of Relay is that cancer never sleeps, so for 24 hours we won't either. A member of our team was walking the track at all times from 11am Saturday to 11am Sunday. I walked 8 miles yesterday, and A walked 22! We had 30 total members on our team and raised almost $6,000! The total amount raised by the event was over $133,000!

{Our team tent:The kids created the 'stained glass windows' and decorated it like a little church.}

{Flower ribbon & picture collage in honor of Debby. Donations on the left for Hope Lodge. Bibles on the right to give out free.}

{Luminaries surround the entire track at nightfall, each one with a name on it in honor or in memory of someone who had cancer.}

Road Trip

Last Friday I took a road trip to visit my sister, who lives eight hours away. I had originally planned to show up for Emily's birthday as a surprise with her best friend. However, after Emily asked me if I would come down for her 30th celebration, I felt I had to confess that I was already planning on doing so. So in my need to still surprise her somehow, I talked our big brother into coming with us, so he was the surprise. There was one big scream and then much crying once Emily came out of the house and saw Ted in the car.

We had a wonderful birthday celebration, and we all repeatedly said how nice it was to make a trip for a happy occasion, rather than the many sad ones we've done lately. We went out to dinner on Friday with all of her friends & co-workers.

On Saturday we went around town, doing some sight-seeing and eating lots of great local food. She took us to a lovely butterfly garden.

We went to church on Sunday, and did a lot of laying around and chatting all afternoon. We were sad to leave this morning but all so happy after sharing such a perfect weekend together.

Happy 30th birthday, my sweet sister. I love you!

Overheard

TC's godmother is a florist, and I was saying something to Tom about it being Prom season. TC then asked, "Is  that like Prom Sunday?"

Tom: Look, a jet-ski, I've never had one of those.
Me: You've never had a second wife either.


TC: Mom, when I grow up I'll be like this.
Me: What, shirtless?
TC: No, I will own some shirts but not wear them all the time. To be cool. And I'll have a Tron suit.

Foggy

I didn't remember to write anything on the calendar for this weekend. I thankfully still made it to some events since someone else remembered them, but it does make me wonder when my brain will return from it's state of distracted oatmeal. I mentioned this to my mentor this morning and she said that I'm still just in the fog. She's definitely right, I just wish I could break out of it. It's been weird for our family how one thing has happened after another the past few months. I will think that life will calm down soon, and surely nothing else is going to happen, and then something else does.

I went to a meeting the other day and my sponsor gave me my 11 year coin. A young man in the program died last week, and many were sharing in the meeting about that. I had thought a meeting would distract me from my grief, but it was all about grief. The good thing is that we can comfort each other, and that the worst days help us to see our best days in a new light. We all cried, but it was a good meeting.

I mentioned a while back that a friend of mine is facing the end of her marriage and that I'm just sick about it for her. The 'friend' is actually my sister. We've been on the phone so much that I actually used up all of my minutes last month which is a LOT of minutes. It's a very surreal time for our family. I love my sister beyond words, and I'm so heartbroken for her. I'm going to visit her next weekend to celebrate her birthday. I told her that not even an apocolypse could keep me from coming this time!

I'm trying to keep busy, as boredom = depression as we know, at least for me, and sitting around being sad isn't going to help me move on. Our school district is on strike though, so there's no routine for the kids to get back to, and there's lots of bickering for me to preside over, blech. We've made two library trips in one week, and I feel a third coming on shortly.

I'm okay. And the parts of me that aren't okay will be soon, or someday. Writing about this helps me to find peace about it, so don't worry that I'm wallowing or anything. I find ways to laugh with my kids, and enjoy the joys of my life, and try to accept all that comes my way. The 'new normal' seems to change pretty frequently around here. The good news though, is that Jesus still loves me. And I'm still sober. And life goes on. I am blessed.

Yep, every night

Uncle Dane

1947 ~ 2012

“O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

But O heart! heart! heart!

O the bleeding drops of red,

Where on the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead."

~ Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

My Uncle Dane died suddenly last Friday. He was a healthy, active, strong man with a heart that suddenly stopped. He was my mother's brother, younger than her by 18 months. He had a wife of 42 years, a son, a daughter, and four grandchildren. His obituary lists the many things he was involved in, giving of his time selflessly.

Literature is a part of my family legacy. My Gram was losing her short-term memory at the end of her life, but could still quote large passages of poetry that she had memorized years before. My Uncle's pastor, during his eulogy, talked about using Dane like a reference book when he needed to know where a line from Hamlet was or what book a favorite quote was from. I am nowhere near as well read as them or my mother, but I do love to read and collect books. I love this about my family, that books are lifeblood to us.

The pain is still too near for me to ponder all the mysteries of life, why Uncle Dane was taken now, or how my Aunt Candy will face life without him. The short and dirty truth is that this is life, and we live it on terms that are not our own. My Uncle Dane died much too young, but he had 20 more years than his own father had. There are no profound answers to be had about why he is gone, just profound loss.

I went to the barn while we were at the farm, and looked at all of the things that my uncle used and worked with every day. I said goodbye to the team of Belgians that will be sold now that there is no one to drive them. I touched the tools and saddles and remembered Uncle Dane teaching me how to brush and saddle a horse. I remember being a little girl and riding on his hip, while my cousin Lori rode on the other. I remember his great booming voice when he would pray before meals at family reunions. I remember his laughter and smile, for he had such joy in life. I remember his immense love for God's creation, and how he loved to be in the outdoors. I remember going raccoon hunting with him at night, and the sound of the hounds in the woods. And I remember most of all that Uncle Dane loved and served Jesus his whole life, and I know what joy he must have now that he is with our Maker, and with so many loved ones.
When we were preparing to leave and saying our goodbyes my aunt grasped my hands and wouldn't let go, asking me to please please drive safely and how much it meant that we had come such a distance to be there. But the distance was nothing and where would we be but with our family, to share the grief and memories? She wanted to give me gas money, which I refused. She insisted, and finally I said that I wouldn't take money but would love to take a book from my uncle's library. I chose Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass.

We drove the 400 mile trip on Monday, my sister and I, and then home again on Wednesday night. It felt like we had been gone weeks, and not just three days. Monday was my sobriety anniversary; 11 years. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary; 15 years. Both of these days barely registered in the shadow of this loss. I don't know where I would be without either of them though, my sobriety and my husband. I am blessed.

Goodbye, Uncle Dane. I cannot wrap my mind around the reality that you are gone. Maybe none of us ever will.  You were too young and too good and the unfairness of it is terrible. But we have the peace that only He gives, peace in the knowledge that we will see you again. God is good.

College. Oy.

{gif from pleated-jeans}

This was pretty much me in college. Which explains why my transcripts are so painful to look at. After 18 years I finally requested them, and it was pretty awful to read them. It was actually worse than I expected, and I hadn't expected much. Even now after nearly 11 years of sobriety, I underestimate how much it really affected me right from the beginning. I'm going to request my high school transcripts next, which should make for a nicer read. I was a B student for the most part, except for math which I still suck at. (I can't help E with his 4th grade math homework. It's quite humbling.)

So I'm  prayerfully considering going back to school to get my bachelor's degree. I have a lot of anxiety about this, probably because my two years of college were like Animal House and I lost all ability to be a student. I have been a stay at home mom for more than a decade, and aside from bible study I haven't exactly been working the brain too hard. I don't know what kind of student I am capable of being. Tom has much confidence in me, but he's biased. I am queasy at the thought of racking up student debt now, when we have to start paying college tuition for A in five years. It's intimidating. And my list of Excellent Reasons goes on.

My friend Heather has pep talked me repeatedly this week, sometimes being reassuring and calming, and other times telling me to get over myself. I know she is right on both fronts, but it's just going to take time for me to pray & work through all of my Excellent Reasons for why I shouldn't finish my degree.

Hold Us Together

This is my favorite song right now, for a variety of reasons....

Have a great weekend all....

Alcoholism as an Illness

BILL WILSON’S RESPONSE TO A QUESTION CONCERNING
CALLING ALCOHOLISM AN ILLNESS

Q. How do you justify calling alcoholism an illness, and not and not a moral responsibility?

A. Early in A.A.’s history, very natural questions arose among theologians. There was a Mr. Henry Link who had written The Return to Religion’ (Macmillan Co., 1937). One day I received a call from him. He stated that he strongly objected to the A.A. position that alcoholism was an illness. This concept, he felt, removed moral responsibility from alcoholics. He had been voicing this complaint about psychiatrists in the American Mercury. And now, he stated, he was about to lambaste A.A. too. Of course, I made haste to point out that we A.A.’s did not use the concept of sickness to absolve our members from moral responsibility. On the contrary, we used the fact of fatal illness to clamp the heaviest kind of moral responsibility on to the sufferer. The further point was made that in his early days of drinking the alcoholic often was no doubt guilty of irresponsibility and gluttony. But once the time of compulsive drinking, veritable lunacy had arrived and he couldn’t very well be held accountable for his conduct. He then had a lunacy which condemned him to drink, in spite of all he could do; he had developed a bodily sensitivity to alcohol that guaranteed his final madness and death. When this state of affairs was pointed out to him, he was placed immediately under the heaviest kind of pressure to accept A.A.’s moral and spiritual Program of regeneration--namely, our 12 Steps. Fortunately, Mr. Link was satisfied with this view of the use that we were making of the alcoholic’s illness. I am glad to report that nearly all theologians who have since thought about this matter have also agreed with that early position. While it is most obvious that free will in the matter of alcohol has virtually disappeared in most cases, we A.A.’s do point out that plenty of free will is left in other areas, it certainly takes a large amount of willingness, and a great exertion of the will to accept and practice the A.A. Program. It is by this very exertion of the will that the alcoholic corresponds with the grace by which his drinking obsession can be expelled.
N.C.C.A. ‘Blue Book

Long Pregnancies

Long pregnancies linked to behavioral problems in toddlers

Children born after a longer-than-normal pregnancy are at increased risk for behavioral and emotional problems, a new study suggests.

The study found that attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is an especially common problem among children who were born post-term, defined as birth after a pregnancy of 42 weeks.

My son was born at 42 weeks gestation. I had been induced with my first child and had a horrible experience, so I was determined not to have to go through that again. But as the days ticked by, E remained unwilling to make his appearance.  I had non-stress tests done by my doctor who was certain that he would 'need' to be induced, which I passed with more than flying colors. I was told that by 42 weeks they would 'have to' induce me. I was told about how the placenta would deteriorate, etc, although I was never swayed that something magically happened at exactly 40 weeks for this to occur. At 42 weeks I went in for the dreaded induction, and was pleased to have a much better experience this second go round. E was born with excellent Apgar scores, eight and a half pounds and took to nursing well.

There needs to be more research, and studies can be wrong. I should also say that in the support group where I originally heard about this study, there were plenty of parents speaking up to say that their ADHD child had come early or on time, and there were very few of us saying that our child had come late. We are only a small sample of ADHD parents so I'm not suggesting that this disproves the study, but just that it doesn't hold true for everyone. I do find this hard to believe because they can't point to why the two week difference would suddenly 'cause' ADHD, and also because I'm a born skeptic. I've also heard of studies that showed that premature birth led to ADHD, so maybe they just can't make up their minds.

I am choosing not to swaddle myself in guilt about this. I made the best decision that I could, and made sure my baby was healthy and safe before choosing to wait the extra time. I hope that other parents will give themselves the benefit of the doubt as well.

Juvenile in Justice

This just broke my heart. The boy pictured is the same age as my daughter.
Juvenile in Justice photo gallery - "Photographer Richard Ross captured images of over 1,000 juvenile inmates housed in over 200 detention centers and correctional facilities throughout the U.S. and Canada. According to his website, the "Juvenile in Justice" project explores the "treatment of American juveniles housed by law in facilities that treat, confine, punish, assist and, occasionally, harm them."
"The hope is that by seeing these images, people will have a better understanding of the conditions that exist," he writes on his website."

Overmedicated

I often hear people say that they think that there are too many kids on medication these days; that parents are too quick to medicate or use medication as a cop-out. This may well be true for some parents, but I have to tell you that there are a lot of us that this isn't true for. We sought a diagnosis for many years, and didn't choose to medicate our son for a long time after that. We considered the options, the side-effects, the long-term studies about the effectiveness and so on.

The evidence that medication was the right choice for our son is evident in glowing teacher reports about the complete turn-around in his behavior. He still struggles with many things, but it's much better than it used to be. If that's not enough evidence, let me tell you why almost no parent would put their child on an ADHD medication unless they really felt they had to: it's a giant pain in the neck.

ADHD medications are stimulants, and as such, are controlled substances. This means that they cannot have refills, cannot be called in or digitally sent in, and cannot be filled early.

Every 30 days I call the doctor, wade through their menus and then leave a detailed message with a receptionist asking for the doctor to write a new prescription. I ask them to call me when it's ready; in the two years my son has taken medication, they have called me exactly twice. So I usually wait a few days, then call to be sure it's ready. (The one time I showed up without calling first, it wasn't ready. I was given an attitude and asked if anyone had called me to tell me it was ready. I said no, and informed Little Miss Attitude that no one EVER called me to tell me when it was ready.) When I get to the office I tell them I'm there to pick up a prescription, they ask for the name. I tell them, and then tell them it's in 'the back', because there are two locations that they keep the envelopes, and E's is always in the second one that they check.
I always check it before I leave the office, but thankfully it's never been wrong. I then do the usual trip to the pharmacy. If I am too early, they will not fill it. And by 'early' I mean more than a day before he runs out. For example, I tried to fill it today but they can't let me have it until Thursday, which is the day he takes the last pill from the previous prescription.

If I were planning a vacation, I would need to make sure the dates were not around the time of month when E's medication runs out. Because by law the prescription cannot be filled early, I would not be able to get it ahead of time before we left. So yes, I have to plan any trips around my son's medication.

Some might think that it's not a big deal since I only have to do this once a month. But it's funny how quickly it always sneaks up on you and 30 days isn't that long.

This all sounds fun, doesn't it? I'm not saying that over-medication doesn't happen. I'm just asking to be given the benefit of the doubt, and for people to consider that it's not as simple as they think.

Overheard

TC: Mom, me and *playdate friend* talked so much that my head is gonna splode. (He was happy about this.)

Me: E, you need to get ready for bed.
E: Sorry Mom, I was having a long prayer time with Amy. (the hamster)

TC: Know what I'm going to be when I grow up?
Me: What?
TC: Rich. Because I'll have an electric money machine to make money in my museum.

Klepto

We've always had problems with E taking things that don't belong to him. We have a routine of checking his pockets whenever we leave someone's house. We saw a psychologist a while ago who suggested we have a pre-visit routine of reminding E of the importance of not taking things that don't belong to him, and giving him encouragement, etc. It's not as bad as it used to be and I do think he'll continue to outgrow it as he matures. I follow Kirk Martin on Facebook and this recent post spoke to me. (I had the same response as Vickie.)

The ADHD Update

I checked some books out of the library on ADHD recently, and found some good stuff to share. Now of course half the books they have are completely out of date, and some are just ridiculously out of touch with reality. But I found one in an easy-reader style called The ADHD Update by Alvin & Virginia Silverstein & Laura Silverstein Nunn.

Is ADHD Overdiagnosed?
In the United States, ADHD has become so common that many people think the condition is being overdiagnosed. Medical experts disagree. They say that because scientists have learned a lot about ADHD in recent years, doctors are now better able to identify it. While some cases may be misdiagnosed, many cases actually go undiagnosed. People who have ADD - without the hyperactivity - often go unnoticed because they are quietly daydreaming in the classroom.

I've been told that we should modify E's diet in order to 'cure' him or help with symptoms. I respect that certain foods can cause unwanted symptoms in some people, but I grow weary of being told that I should eliminate sugar or food dyes or gluten as a cure for my son's behavior. Another quote from the book gave me backing to what I already knew:

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) conducted a number of independent studies on the effect of a restricted diet on hyperactivity. In 1982, the NIMH announced that such a diet helped only about 5% of hyperactive children - mostly young children with food allergies.

I find it a bit insulting, like you would tell any other parent of a special needs child that they could fix the problem if only they would stop feeding them such a horrible diet already. Like I'm stuffing him with Slurpees and Pop Rocks all day. Shut up people, and let me parent my own kid.

Great picture here of what it's like to have ADHD:
If you don't have ADHD, try to imagine what it feels like. First, turn on the tv and the radio. Then ask a friend to talk to you. While all this is going on, sit down and try to do your homework. Can you tune out all the distractions and do your homework? Can you talk to your friend without paying attention to the tv or radio? Some people with ADHD have trouble sorting out the many sounds, sights, and thoughts that demand attention. They do not know how to focus on just one thing at at time and tune out the rest. One person with ADHD described how it felt when he tried to do something as simple as read a book: "My thoughts raced round and round in my head. It's like my mind was a pinball machine with five or six balls smashing into each other."

I really appreciated this book, and hope that others might find the above helpful too. We may not have awareness magnets on our cars just yet, but my goal is make people aware of what this disorder is really all about, and how to understand those who have it, rather than judging them.

Whitney Houston

Autopsy Reveals Whitney Houston's Body Ravaged - We all knew, or suspected, that Whitney Houston had been under the influence when she died. I had hope for her during the brief time she had gotten sober and appeared on Oprah looking healthy and finally of sound mind. Reading this report broke my heart a little. It's a grim picture of what addiction does to you.

Sources said the temperature could have been as high as 150F (66C) when she got into the tub. Six hours after her death, the water was still 91F and medical sources said she may have been so high she did not notice how hot her bath was. Traces of cocaine, cannabis, anxiety pill Xanax, muscle relaxant Flexeril, allergy medicine Benadryl and painkiller Ibuprofen were found in her body. The 48-year-old was also scarred by decades of cosmetic surgery, alcohol-fueled fights and falls. She had marks on her stomach, chest and upper left thigh believed to be from cosmetic procedures. A scar on her left forearm may also have been self-inflicted. Houston's lifestyle also had weakened her heart so badly that one of her coronary arteries had narrowed by 60 percent.

She talked & sang about Jesus, and I truly hope that she did know Him, and is at peace now.

Easy to Love

After a particularly rough morning with E, this really lightened my heart when it came up in my Facebook news feed:

The kids had a four day weekend for Easter, and this is always the kiss of death for E. He does not deal with change well, nor does he transition well back into routine. He cried, argued and carried on all morning. He kept asking why he even has to go to school, and then made his case for taking Amy (the hamster) to school with him. He even carried her cage to the door. I had to take her from him and put her back, try not to lose my patience with him and get him even more upset before I had to drop him off. I emailed his teacher and guidance counselor to give them a heads up. No phone calls yet, so I'm praying that his day is going okay.
I had a meeting with our lead pastor this morning and he mentioned the book, Shepherding a Child's Heart. I have a long list of books I want to read, but I may move this one to the front of the list if it seems like it could help E survive to adulthood.

UPDATE: The school never called, and I found myself checking my phone all day to see if I had missed their call. When I picked E up from school he was in a good mood. I asked him how his day was, and he said that it had started out bad, but that he had turned it around. I was so proud of him, that I un-grounded him. I want to reinforce how important it is that you can always start over. This was big for him, and I'm so pleased!

This & That

3 Common Traits of Youth Who Don't Leave the Church - This is something I think about a lot, since I was one of those kids who walked away from the church when I went to college. I appreciate any insight into what keeps kids grounded in their faith when they leave home.

10 Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls - All very true and funny!

Multiple Forms of ADHD? - "Investigators believe ADHD symptoms may actually represent an entire family of disorders, similar to the classification of various subtypes of cancer."  I don't want to sound rude, but the words, "WELL DUH" came out of my mouth upon reading that. Sorry science guys, no offense meant, but it's just nice to hear that research supports what moms & dads of ADHD kids have already known for years.

This & That

ADHD and ODD: Parenting Your Defiant Child - This is interesting to me, because I occasionally see the ODD behavior in E. It's usually in the evening, when meds are out of his system and he gets really wound up. He isn't hugely defiant, but he will be obnoxious and annoy his siblings on purpose. I don't know that this is real ODD behavior though, because it also seems like normal 10 year old boy stuff.



A Potential Natural Treatment  for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder:  Evidence From a National  Study - I'm printing this to go in the notebook I keep of E's records and stuff. Tom and I say all the time that we wish we could be raising E in the country. It's an out-of-reach dream, but this piece is encouraging me to find ways to fit it into our suburban life somehow.

Bunny Chow - This stuff is evil. Do not make it. You have been warned.

Gym Soap

Because I am cheap I like to use the showers at my gym after I exercise. I like using someone else's hot water, and given the high price of oil and the small $10 monthly fee I pay for gym membership, I'm pretty sure those showers 3 days a week are more than paying for themselves.

The one problem I've been having is that those poofy scrubs we all use these days don't travel well. I'm so used to using one with a shower gel that going back to a washcloth from my childhood is just weird. I tried the kids' Johnson & Johnson Easy Grip Soap but my skin is too sensitive for it.

So here's my solution; I used the snack bag pattern, cut a washcloth in half, and that's it. I can put in a bar of Dove Sensitive, and fold the flap over to use.  Then later throw the little bag in the laundry with my gym clothes. Very happy with this solution!


{The picture on the left is with a bar in it, and I don't know why it looks crooked, I promise it's not. The one on the right is what it looks like right after you sew it, before you fold it right side out.}

Tenth Birthday

Disclaimer: I'm aware that I probably don't have a Christian attitude about this topic. I don't care. I have had enough of politically correct nonsense.

E turned 10 this week. Are we really more than halfway done raising him? That doesn't seem realistic, ha!

We were told at the beginning of the school year that the 4th grade teachers would like it if we sent in a book for the class library in place of cupcakes or some other birthday treat. The reason given was that they have so many students with food allergies. And the unspoken reason is that you shouldn't exclude anyone in a celebration. They don't want you sending in birthday invitations to the class either, unless every student is being invited.
I love his teachers, but I have a problem with this. First, because I think it's silly and unrealistic to teach children that they won't ever be left out, or that no one is going to hurt their feelings by excluding them. I don't throw a tantrum every time I go to a party or wedding and everyone gets to drink but me. Second, let's call a spade a spade, shall we? My son gets excluded from everything. None of these kids are inviting him to their house or their birthday parties. So I'm not going to feel bad for one minute if one of them doesn't get to eat some of the birthday treats that my son brings to school that day. I sent in cookies with no nuts, but that's as far as I'm going. My son has been bullied and picked on and excluded and I could care less if your kid doesn't get to eat a treat that day.

So all that crankiness aside, here is what E got for his birthday....

That tiny little creature is a dwarf hamster named Amy, and we are all in love! E was sitting on the couch opening his new Lego Ninjago set, and Tom came to him and said to put it down for a second. He did, and then Tom said, "Hold this", and handed him the hamster. He nearly dropped her in surprise, and his reaction was so precious. I asked him what he thought after a minute, and he could barely get out the words, "I love it". (Yes, I cried. Shut up.)

Faces of Addiction

There is an amazing Flickr album by a photographer named Chris Arnade, featuring addicts and alcoholics. The pictures are beautiful and heartbreaking. Each picture has a description underneath of who the person is and a bit of their story.

Faces of Addiction

One of the stories:
"Chris Bishop was drinking in front of a liquor store when we met. A resident in the local homeless shelter he told me the following.

At the age of thirteen, Chris killed his father, stabbing him with a knife after a childhood of abuse. He spent the next eighteen years in correctional facilities. 'When he was drunk and mad he would hold me out the apartment window and threaten to drop me to the street, eight floors below. He beat me and my mother all the time. I have been drinking ever since. To forget.'

When I asked how he wanted to be described, his eyes teared up and he said "I am human, like everyone else."

There are more than fifty others there, and well worth reading and viewing. 

Friday

I don't feel like blogging when I feel like this, but I'm making myself do it anyway because I know it always makes me feel better. I don't have much to say that doesn't involve complaining about crappy neighborhood kids who are mean to my son, or me feeling like dirt because of the stupid thyroid medication. I told Janet that I need a girls' night out pronto.  I have faith that God has His hand in everything. I have faith that He can and will work it for my good and His glory. I do. It just sucks waiting for the good part to arrive, especially when your child is lonely and sad. There is nothing more painful for me, and I fully admit to not handling it well ever.

Tom is going to night shift for a few weeks. Now that busy season is beginning he brought home the work truck again, much to all of our delight. The boys LOVE that giant truck, we save on gas money and I get to drive Tom's new sporty car. Win win!

The weather has been a bit ridiculous lately. Winter got vetoed somehow and we're fast forwarding through spring at an alarming pace. You can expect many grouchy posts if this leads us into an extra-hot summer. We all know how I feel about summer. Speaking of summer, the plans for vacation bible school are rolling. I don't know what I'm doing yet this year, but I do know that now that Janet is co-leading children's ministries, the opportunities to harass and annoy her are endless. It's good to have goals.

Overheard

Clerk at Dollar Store: That'll be $17.96.
Woman Ahead of Me in Line at Dollar Store: Oh, look at this brush here. I think I want this brush too. I need a new brush. How much is it?
Insanely Patient Clerk at Dollar Store: It's one dollar.
Woman Ahead of Me in Line at Dollar Store Who Has No Awareness of the Six People in Line Behind Her: Yeah, I want to get this brush too. I like it.


TC is trudging across the living room.
Me: You okay, buddy?
TC: My eyes can't see becepts forwards.

He then laid down on the couch, pulling a quilt over himself, and was literally asleep thirty seconds later. Tom just got home and told me that when he was leaving for work (at 4am) the boys were wide awake and playing in their room. Apparently the time change has screwed them up a bit!

Random Stuff

I have my shiny happy laptop back. Yay for me. :)

I am slowly feeling better but finding it surprising at how long this medicine stays with you. Blech. I'm still praying for answers, and trying to not let it continue to get to me. I'm thankful for friends who pray. :)

We celebrated Tom's 40th birthday yesterday. It was an amazing day with friends & family. We asked guests to bring their spare change to donate to our Relay for Life team, which benefits the American Cancer Society. The donations came to $229! We're so pleased about this. Our team, Debby's Sweet Angels, will walk in the Relay this June.

Yes, TC is wearing a pumpkin costume. He really loves that thing and wears it often. This was his second costume of the day, as he wore his tiger one first. Such a character. :) 

Struggling

I started taking a generic form of Synthroid a week ago, in an effort to bring down my TSH levels and get my thyroid to function correctly. I had high hopes for this because I have struggled with fatigue for as long as I can remember. In the past six months or so it got worse, combined with heart palpitations, hair loss, forgetfulness and muscle tremors.

After seven days I called my doctor today to tell him that not only am I not feeling any better, I feel about fifty times worse. I am so exhausted all day that I can barely keep my eyes open, and I have nausea all day long. I'm also non-stop starving and have gained two pounds. The muscle tremors are out of control. I mopped the family room today and afterwards couldn't stop shaking for hours. I'm on an emotional roller coaster where I'm joyful one minute and hysterically crying the next. I feel as if I'm going mad.

My doctor told me to stop taking the medication, and let it clear out of my system for two weeks. He said to call him after that and we'll talk about the options.

I just keep praying to God, and all I can say is 'Help.' I don't know what to ask for. There seem to be no answers or solutions and I just feel defeated. I don't feel that way all the time, because the emotional roller coaster is great that way. I was at the chiropractor yesterday, completely in knots and he was very concerned. He said I didn't even feel like me. He asked me how my stress level was and I said medium? I don't even know. It was the longest adjustment I've ever had, with deep tissue massage, this technique and that technique, and much pain. He finally got me all straightened out, and I told him that I had started taking a medication for my thyroid. He told me that the thyroid is 'his thing' and he loaned me a book. He's concerned that I could have Hashimoto Disease. I can't even let my mind go there at this point. He said it would mean giving up some things. I said you don't even know all that I've already given up. I quit smoking and got sober and lost weight and eat whole grains and tons of vegetables and I still feel awful. The unfairness of it just sucks.

Lord, show me the light in this darkness. Lead me out, because I don't know where I'm going or how to get there. I trust you, but I'm lost. Amen.

ps

I just ate four Twix bars. Lest anyone think that Tom is not taking good care of me during my foray into insanity.

Hiatus

I think I forgot to mention that my laptop is in the shop yet again, hence the quiet blog. I should have it back in 2 to 4 weeks, oy. In the meantime, I'm of course using the disgusting family computer. I feel like I should get a tetanus shot after each use. I'm so glad we have a rule that no one can eat in front of this computer, otherwise it would have a keyboard with keys that stick because of all the crumbs and junk under them, or a sour milk smell from a drink that was spilled on it. Yeah, thank God we have that rule.

Blog Traffic

Last week I pinned (on Pinterest, for those of you not yet familiar) the blog post that I wrote about my son and ADHD: 13 Things my ADHD Child Wishes You Knew. I hoped that others might find it encouraging or informative.  This morning I checked my blog traffic and was stunned:

I also have several comments from people on the Pinterest page itself, all of them thankful or encouraging. I am truly in awe that there has been such a response to that post. It's very humbling and I thank you all. I'm especially thankful for those who are in the same boat as me, because we need each other's support to raise our ADHD kids.

October Baby

Tonight Tom and I went to see the pre-screening of the movie October Baby. I wasn't exactly sure why I was going, because this screening was intended for pastors & leaders, people in the pro-life movement, or people who work as crisis pregnancy counselors. I left the pregnancy loss ministry behind at my old church more than three years ago, so I had no reason to go see this. But when I got the email from ARIN about it, and watched the trailer, I just felt like I needed to see it. I'm not sure where God is calling me, but He's had my attention lately, letting me know that something is coming.

I won't give anything away, but there were a few times in the movie where God spoke to me clearly. One of them was the use of John 8:36, which is my life verse. He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. I am nervous & excited to see where God leads me.

In the meantime, please go see this movie when it opens on March 23rd. It is an amazing story, and so well done. Sometimes Christian movies have a great message but the acting is cheesy or it just looks cheaply done. October Baby was nothing like that at all. It was beautiful, powerful, inspiring and healing. Go!

What I Actually Do

Have you seen these? They've been very popular on Facebook lately, as everyone jumps on board to describe who they are too. (Sorry it overlaps the sidebar, but if I made it any smaller you wouldn't be able to read it.)
I sent this one to my friend Laura, who has triplets:

And all my church friends are enjoying this one....





But this one is definitely my favorite....

Poppyseed Chicken Casserole

I keep hearing about this casserole. People speak of it in such reverent tones that I decided I needed to go find the recipe. I kept thinking, what is so great about poppy seeds? I like poppy seed dressing but really, it's not the seeds that make it so good, it's all the dressing surrounding it.

So I found the recipe here: Weeknight Bites, Heather's Poppyseed Casserole

And you know what? You people are KIDDING yourselves. This is not about poppy seeds. This casserole is nothing but a vehicle for full fat cream soup, sour cream, saltines and butter. There is one spoonful of said seeds in the entire thing. I am not fooled!  I mean, I'm tempted certainly, but not fooled. I'm not buying poppy seeds just so I can make this. I can stir up a pan of dairy & fat, throw in some chicken and call it Awesome Casserole without the pretension of the Poppyseed title. I'll let you know how it turns out. (You'll find me licking the pan clean, who are we kidding.)

ADHD sucks

Remember those 'behold the power of cheese' ads from a few years ago? Picture what people did in those commercials to get the cheese, and you will have a picture of how E feels about fried shrimp. He has now had two complete meltdowns over fried shrimp. Once, at IHOP because they didn't have them. (He had them there once before when they were on the Specials menu.) Then again today, when they ran out of popcorn shrimp in the school cafeteria. I had a conference call with him, the school nurse, and guidance counselor because he was hysterical about not getting any shrimp. He kept sobbing that he just wanted to come home. I ended up going to get him fast food, which I gave to the counselor in the office without him seeing me. We agreed this was a one time only food delivery, but we're hoping that it will calm him down to the point that maybe he will tell her what is really going on with him. He's told me 2 or 3 times this week that he doesn't want to go to school anymore.

I'm pretty sure I'm just going to let him live with me until he's 47, because I swear I am making zero progress in turning this kid into an adult. Part of ADHD is difficulty in modulating emotions and problems dealing with disappointment. I have a feeling that counseling is in our future.

If anyone needs me I'll be hiding under my bed.

This & That

Whitney Houston - Everyone's talking about the recent death of Whitney Houston. I can't add much to what's already been said across the web. I'm just so sad to see another person succumb to their addiction. I liked what this writer had to say about celebrities having a harder time staying clean because they don't have to worry about the same things that an Average Joe has to think about.


Alcoholic.org - "Alcoholic.org, a newly re-launched website devoted to providing help and information on alcohol addiction and alcoholic rehab programs, offers easy-to-use support and assistance to people who are concerned about their alcohol use. Visiting the website enables people to determine whether they have a problem, and it also connects them with alcoholism treatment centers."  {Quote from PRweb.com}

You Are Not Alone

"A new video campaign, "You Are Not Alone," aims toinspire and encourage the families of young addicts."

Barbara Eden (I Dream of Jeannie), Everclear frontmanArt Alexakis and skateboarding legend Christian Hosoi are among the famous faces talking about how drug addiction has affected them in a campaign for The Partnership at DrugFree.org, entitled "You Are Not Alone."

There is another video on their Youtube channel of Andrew Zimmern, offering some words of encouragement along with his story.

You can see the rest of the individual videos here: You Are Not Alone  They are so powerful, so moving and I really recommend that you watch them. Even if you think this has nothing to do with you, please watch some of them. It's so important that everyone be educated about addiction. You really never know when someone you care about might need help.

Overheard

TC: I wish I was older, like 9 like E.
Me: I don't, buddy, I like that you're still my little guy.
TC: (Offering me a hug) Don't worry, Mom, I'll still love you when I'm big.

Television show: Will you come with us and save the day?
E, dryly: Don't have much choice.

I wonder if I glow in the dark

The Newman thing has not worked. That's all I have to say about that right now.

I had the first part of the nuclear medicine study this morning. I have to go back this afternoon to have another ten minute scan done. I survived getting the injection, which if you don't know, I don't handle well. It's embarrassing as heck but I get flushed and woozy when I have to get blood drawn or an IV put in. Thank God this was one injection and done. Then I laid with my shoulders on a pillow and my head tilted back. You have to lay perfectly still but it's only ten minutes. They want me to drink plenty of fluids before I go back to flush out the radiation liquid. They also told me that I should not hold TC on my lap today at all. That will be tough, since he's a lap-kid for sure. Some side-hugs will have to do.

Mary asked me to help her do a workshop at the women's in-house retreat. It'll be on thriftiness and organization, both of which are things that make me all warm and fuzzy inside. And speaking of Mary, our families are going together to see Tim Hawkins next month - so excited about this!