Friday, October 28, 2011

Psalm 91

I couldn't sleep last night. I've been struggling with some anxiety since the near-miss last week. Anxiety has really never been an issue for me before, and I hate it. I'm finding it hard to drive in traffic, which is unavoidable with the high level of road construction in our area right now. Tom has his work truck this week and we had to go pick up his car from the parking lot at work last night. On the way home I found myself clenching the steering wheel, feeling very afraid. Traffic was really heavy, it was dark, it was raining. It was like the emotional trifecta for me, ughh. Laying in bed later, I kept thinking of how ridiculous this fear was, but I couldn't shake it.

I got out of bed and went to get a book from my office, figuring I would read for a bit and try to settle my mind. I noticed the Shorthand books on the shelf. They belonged to my Gram, and I took them when we emptied her house before she went in the nursing home. I thought it would be fun to have them and maybe pick up a few ideas. I had never actually opened them past the first few pages, so I had no idea that they were workbooks, or that she had written in them.
There was something very comforting about seeing her handwriting in that watery blue ink. I looked at the date, and realized that she took this class two years after my grandfather died at the age of 43. She wasn't much older than me. I flipped through all three books and found that she had not only completed them, but tucked in the pages was an envelope containing her certificate of completion. I know Gram worked at a flower shop, but I never knew that she did this, or even how she went on to use it. I'll have to ask my Mom. It's just funny how God would show me these books now, when I am anxious about many things, one of which is the decision to go back to work after a decade at home. I felt so comforted knowing that my decision isn't based on what hers was. I was reminded of what it was like for her, and how hard it must have been.

I put the books back on the shelf, and noticed a tattered bible next to them. It's one that was given to their church in honor of my grandfather, and has his name in the front. Old books are like a blankey for me; I love to hold them and smell them. (The church later closed, and they got this copy.) I took it back to bed with me, and opened to Psalm 91, my favorite. The bible wasn't labeled but I knew immediately that it was the King James. I hardly ever read in that version, but for some reason the old beauty of those words moved me like I had never read this passage before. 

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

I cried. God is so good; He is such a comfort. He knows. He just knows. And that was what I needed.

Monday, October 17, 2011

ADHD Awareness Week

Red Light

I pulled up to the red light and waited. In the back seat were my 5 year old son and the 3 year old son of a friend. The light has a long cycle. The boys were chattering away to each other while we sat. The light turned green just as a car was coming from the right. I hesitated for an instant, as she didn't seem to be slowing enough to stop for the light. She did stop though, and I moved forward, about to turn left.
I heard the truck before I saw it. The giant dump truck had blown the light, probably not even seeing it as it was next to another busy intersection. I heard his wheels locking up and then saw him as he turned to the left to avoid me. I was pushing the brake pedal through the floor, sure that we were going to collide. His tires were smoking and screaming as he stopped.
Then silence. Deep breath. He hadn't hit me. Our vehicles were so close that I couldn't even see the driver above me. The boys were still chattering. I thought I was going to vomit, but as he moved out of the intersection, I moved too. We were okay.
A minute down the road, I pulled over. I didn't think I should drive until I stopped shaking and crying. The boys continued to be unaware of what had happened. I pulled myself together and took them to school.

That moment could have changed our lives forever. It didn't; God spared us. I thought about what this could have done to my family and the family of the child whose care I had been entrusted with. I thanked God for the brand new brakes in my husband's brand new car that I was driving. I thanked God for the woman who hadn't been slowing down for the light, which made me hesitate before going through the intersection. I doubt that that woman knows she may have saved our lives. The young men in the car behind me were undoubtedly stunned by what they saw, as I saw their eyes wide and mouths hanging open in my mirror at the next light. Did God use what they saw to remind them to be safe & alert drivers?

We have a logo for our church, of a cross touching a pool of water, creating ripples. It reminds me that God can use everything that happens to us to impact not only us, but those around us. I don't know what that truck driver was thinking after we had both come to a stop. My husband works with large equipment and I know that he fears hitting someone when he drives his enormous work truck. He's had people pull out in front of him many times, not understanding that these large trucks cannot stop quickly. I will pray for the driver from this morning. I don't know who he is or anything about him. Whatever is going on in his life, I think it's likely that God got his attention with this. He could have killed us. I don't doubt that he knows this. I know God wants me to pray for him, and I will. And here's hoping that the rest of my week is quiet and uneventful!

Friday, October 14, 2011

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Inspired by SouleMama.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Love Worth Fighting For

Last month Tom took me to meet my first love, Kirk Cameron. Ok, so he really took me to a marriage seminar, but he agreed that he knew ahead of time what he was getting himself into by surprising me with these tickets.

Aside from making a fool of myself when I got to meet Kirk and shake his hand after he signed my book, it was a perfect evening. And really, even making a fool of myself was ok. Fourteen year old me is so proud of 37 year old me.

The message was good and directed mostly towards the husbands, which was a surprise. It was kind of refreshing though, because I have honestly read a ton of books and heard a ton of speakers on the topic of what wives should do. Not often have I heard strong messages about what husbands are supposed to be doing.
If you get a chance to attend this, go. It's not earth-shattering but it is meaningful and we really enjoyed it. Kirk has a great message, as does Warren Barfield who provided the music.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


TC: I want to play Epic Failure of the Races
Me: I don't think we have that game.
TC: It's also called Mario Kart.

TC: Mom, when I grow up I want to be a scientist of worms and live with you.

TC: Look, a squirrel!
Me: Yep
TC: He's looking for a mate so he can lay babies.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Blog Traffic

I always find it interesting to see how visitors found my blog.

Searcher of 'ashes snack', I worry about you.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

13 Things my ADHD Child Wishes You Knew

I was reading this list recently called 10 Things My Autistic Child Wishes You Knew. I love this list; I think it's up to us as parents to educate others about who our kids are.  So here is a list of things my son needs you to know about him, and to be honest, things I need you to know about me & Tom as his parents. A quick disclaimer: This list is about our son, and it is not all true about all children with ADHD. Many kids have co-morbid conditions or their ADHD symptoms are milder or more severe. There is a wide spectrum for this disorder.

13 Things My ADHD Child Wishes You Knew

1. I may not meet your eyes when we are talking. That doesn't always mean that I'm not listening or that my parents haven't tried to teach me manners.

2. My impulse control is 3 to 5 years behind that of other children my age. Take my age and subtract 3 to 5 years, and think about what a child that age is like. I may be 9, but my ability to control my impulsive actions is that of a 4 to 6 year old. I need you to be patient with me.

3. I don't have ADHD because of too much sugar or lazy parenting. ADHD is a neurobehavioral developmental disorder. You cannot prevent it or cure it. I have a long road ahead of me to learn to live with ADHD.

4. My mom says this man named Ben Glenn has ADHD and teaches other about it. He says my thoughts are like airplanes circling an airport, just going and going and unable to land. You know how sometimes you can't turn off your mind to fall asleep at night? I have that problem every night.

5. I take a medication every morning to help me settle my thoughts and emotions, and to help me sit at my desk. My parents thought about the decision for a long time, and did a lot of reading and talking to doctors before they started giving it to me. Before I took medication I could not sit still long enough to do my homework. I was like this and it was really frustrating for me and my parents. Please don't judge my parents for giving me medication or suggest that I could be 'cured' if I ate less gluten or more vegetables or only organic foods. The medicine helps me. Mom says it's ironic how judgmental people are about medication for kids like me, when those are the same people who would complain if I can't control myself in public. I don't know what ironic means, but I like that my medicine helps me to do what my teachers need me to do.

6. At the end of the day, when my medication wears off I can experience something called rebound. I may lose control of my emotions and be unable to calm down for a long time. My mom & dad try to keep things quiet and routine that time of day so I am able to transition more peacefully. At any time of day I have trouble modulating my emotions and may overreact to things. Once I get upset sometimes I just stay that way, even if I don't remember why.

7. I'm not stupid; in fact, I'm actually very smart. I don't like writing because my hand cannot keep up with my mind, and I get really frustrated. I also have trouble spelling. I use a writing tool called a Neo, which is a lightweight word processor. I enjoy using it and love that I can get my ideas down quickly.

8. I have a best friend who has Asperger's, which is on the Autism spectrum.  We get along really well. My mom had to have me screened for Autism because ADHD can be like it sometimes. I'm glad that he is my friend because I don't have any others. Most kids think I'm weird. Sometimes I get made fun of and I cry. I'm not allowed to go play with kids in the neighborhood anymore because they bully me and make fun of me. I don't understand why other kids don't like me. I think a lot of kids are my friends when they really aren't. I don't get invited to playdates or parties. I'm glad that Z and I are friends. We play computer games and go to Stockade (Awana) together.

9. I have an amazing memory. I can tell you a lot of details about things that I'm interested in. I saw an infomercial for an organizing purse once, and I told my mom all about it, including all the reasons she would find it useful and what colors it was available in.

10. Once I start talking about something that I'm excited about, I usually can't stop. Even if you interrupt me or walk away from me I will just continue talking until I'm finished.

11. I'm a great problem solver. I can figure out puzzles really well. My mom and I play games together on the computer and she always tells me how smart I am for finding the clues or solutions.

12. I'm really bad at organizing things. I lose jackets and notebooks a lot, and have no idea where I've left them.

13. I'm funny and sweet and I love my family. I like to laugh and play games with Mom like Battleship, or work with tools with Dad. I make my big sister crazy but she still loves me. I like to play with my little brother; we have fun together!