Love Worth Fighting For

Last month Tom took me to meet my first love, Kirk Cameron. Ok, so he really took me to a marriage seminar, but he agreed that he knew ahead of time what he was getting himself into by surprising me with these tickets.

Aside from making a fool of myself when I got to meet Kirk and shake his hand after he signed my book, it was a perfect evening. And really, even making a fool of myself was ok. Fourteen year old me is so proud of 37 year old me.

The message was good and directed mostly towards the husbands, which was a surprise. It was kind of refreshing though, because I have honestly read a ton of books and heard a ton of speakers on the topic of what wives should do. Not often have I heard strong messages about what husbands are supposed to be doing.
If you get a chance to attend this, go. It's not earth-shattering but it is meaningful and we really enjoyed it. Kirk has a great message, as does Warren Barfield who provided the music.

Married Life

{See the first Married Life post for explanation.}

Married Life

{See the first Married Life post for explanation.}

Married Life

{See explanation in the first Married Life post.}

Married Life

{See explanation in the first Married Life post.}

Married Life

{See explanation in the first Married Life post.}

Married Life

Tom works crazy hours that are not only long, but can change without notice. Because of this, sometimes we can go days without having a real conversation. He isn't able to spend much time on the phone, and I don't want him missing out on what goes on at home. So I leave him Facebook messages pretty often.

Drama Queens

A few months back my daughter was at the home of a friend with some other classmates. They were hanging out in the yard, being goofy as tween girls normally are. One said something jokingly to another, the other took it the wrong way and went inside to get her mother involved. The mother blasted out the front door, screamed at the girls, cursed at them and told them all the go home.

This is not normal. I don't care what was said, I don't care if someone had their feelings hurt. These were 11 year old girls having a misunderstanding. This is not normal adult behavior.  I told A at the time that I believed the mother was watching too much 'reality' tv and thought this was just how people behaved. (And by 'reality' tv I mean shows that are billed as 'Real' but are scripted & the players are encouraged to act out to get attention.

I was just reading this post about Kurt Vonnegut and his explanation of why people crave drama. It makes complete sense to me. So I won't say that reality tv is causing this kind of behavior, but that it certainly adds to it. And I think it contributes to the divorce rate as well, as people think that marriage is all about hearts and stars and flowers, when in reality it's a lot of day to day LIFE together, with bills and groceries and dog poo. If you get married (or have kids or start a career) and think that it's going to be like some fantastic movie scene every day, you are delusional. Adjust your expectations to real life, not 'reality' life.

Couple's Retreat

Tom and I had a lovely time away at Sandy Cove Ministries on the Chesapeake Bay. We went with a group of about 20 couples to hear Bill & Pam Farrel speak. It was inspiring and fun, but most of all, it was RELAXING. I felt so calm and peaceful the whole time, more than I have in a very long time. We needed that time away together.
Of course, coming back to reality is hard after a retreat, and I feel like I am more scattered than ever. I can't seem to be consistent with the good things in my life. I know I will have a better day if I pray every morning, but I get rushed and forget, and hours later I'm elbow deep in life drama, and getting nothing done. I hate that I need some kind of crisis to remind me. I need routine to make a new habit, and my life doesn't have a ton of that. I really don't want to go back to office work, but having no forced structure on many of my days isn't doing me any good. I did apply for a job last year but knew I was totally under-qualified for it, so it was no surprise that I didn't get a call. Ideally I'd love to make writing my career, but I am doubting more and more my ability to keep myself on task and disciplined. Anyone want to come over every day and order me around? I need a boss....
So enough of my rambly stream of consciousness, and on to some pictures from the retreat....

Tom and I were able to head down early, since he had taken Friday off. I packed a lunch, and we ate in between puttering in the town's antique stores. I found some new kitchen treasures, and had a great day with my husband. It was the perfect way to begin the retreat together. The time at Sandy Cove was priceless, and we really felt spoiled. It was hard to come home and realize that no one was going to serve me coffee and cheesecake after dinner!

Raccoon Love

I had an interesting discussion with my sister Emily recently.  We were talking about the emotional toll it takes on us as wives when our husbands are gone for long hours at work.  Tom worked 67 hours last week.  Add to that his drive time of 45 minutes to an hour depending on if he's at a job site or in the shop, and it's a pretty significant chunk of time.
Emily said that she and her husband once watched an animal show where they separated a female raccoon and her mate in cages.  They cried for each other, going completely berserk at being away from each other.  After a time, they moved their cages next to each other.  They were able to reach through the bars and touch each other, and it immediately calmed them.
Ever since watching that show, Emily & her husband joke with each other about needing raccoon time.  And all jokes aside, this makes complete sense to me.  When Tom is gone for a really long time, I need to hold him  and touch him and reconnect with him.
I don't believe in soulmates.  Well, let me amend that.  I don't believe in society's definition of soulmates. I don't believe that there is one person that you are destined to be with that you magically find.  We make our own choices, and we work to build a marriage. I think you grow into soulmate-dom. (soulmate-hood? whatever)  God tells us in the Bible that a man will leave his parents and join with his wife. (Genesis 2:24) That they will become one flesh.  I always thought it was a metaphor, or that it meant sex, but recently I've begun to see it differently.  I am so connected to Tom that I physically feel out of sorts when I am away from him for too long.  I need to be with him because we are one.  He really does complete me, and not in a Jerry-Maguire way.  In a real, connected to each other & God way, that is the result of time & trials together, not based on fluffy feelings & stars & flowers.  When he walks in the door filthy, exhausted & smelling like motor oil, I can't wait to hold that big lug and get me some raccoon love.

Marriage

I haven't talked about this for a long time on the blog, so here goes.... marriage is hard work. Here endeth the lesson. Ok, so really, it's hard to talk about, but the Man and I have had a rough year or two. No divorce talk or anything that awful, but just having a hard time of it. I know people sometimes call that 'going through a rough patch,' but I really hate that expression. It implies that the circumstances are outside of us, when in reality most of us create our own issues within our marriages. I have bad habits, the Man has bad habits, we don't deal with our stuff in healthy ways, we take things out on each other.... all that normal marriage stuff that you let fester when you are busy raising kids and having lives that involve jobs and pets and gym memberships.

We had come to a point a year ago last summer that we knew we had to make some major changes, which is how we finally came to the decision to leave our old church. A year into life at the new church, we have somehow found ourselves still in an unhappy place in our married life. I'm not looking to air our dirty laundry (an overused expression that I do happen to like), but I think it's important to talk about how we're handling it.

We made an appointment with one of our pastors and met with him tonight for about 90 minutes. Hands down, this is the smartest thing that I think any couple can do when they are struggling. Pastor Cam was incredibly helpful & insightful, and gave us both a lot to think about. One of the issues we deal with is the spiritual leadership of our family. With the work schedule that the Man keeps, he is not at home for huge amounts of time, and when he is, he's exhausted and just wants to relax. I get that, and most of the time it didn't bother me. But with the onset of my season of depression last year, the burden of being a single mom 95% of the time became too much for me to carry any longer. I didn't handle that in a healthy way, and the Man in turn did not respond to me in a healthy way. I have all of the home responsibilities & chores, child rearing, homework, sports, music lessons, church activities, dealing with an ADHD child & all of the school services & meetings that go with that, doctors appointments, birthday parties...... the list is absolutely endless, and yet somehow I am also supposed to find time in there to be a helpmate & lover to my husband and a spiritual leader to our children. *SYSTEM OVERLOAD*

I want the Man to be the spiritual leader of our family. The Man wants to be the spiritual leader of our family. But neither of us have ever really thought of constructive ways to make that happen. Cam suggested that a mentor could show the Man how to do this, and asked if he had ever had one. The answer is no; he has a great relationship with my dad, but he really needs someone who isn't family to fill this need. Cam said he would be glad to help the Man find the right person for this, and I really felt a weight beginning to lift from me. I never wanted to be the nagging fishwife, but I didn't know how to motivate the Man to do what he needed to do. What a relief to realize that I don't have to, and that's not my job!

I am not Super Woman. I am not interested in being Super Woman. Unfortunately one of my major character defects is that I don't ask for help when I need it. My sponsor and I have addressed this in the past, and I've gotten a lot better at it. But it's a struggle for me. I dislike being codependent on any level, and I'm on my own here most of the time anyway, so why bother? It's hard not to sink into that crummy attitude, especially when you're depressed already. I'm on my third medication and I'm heading back to the doctor to switch yet again, as this one isn't working very well now.

The point is that I'm not giving up. I'm continuing to try, asking my doctor for help, asking our pastor for help, expressing my needs to my husband. I HATE doing these things but I do them because I have to. I don't have a choice, it's either ask for help, or continue to let my life crumble until I pick up a drink again. I'm not going to flush eight years of hard work down the drain, so I choose to fight for myself and for my marriage.

Kate told me that when I feel like I can't go on, God will go on for me, and that God will fight for my marriage. That has been a huge comfort to me, knowing that He has my back. I love and adore my husband, but marriage isn't easy, especially with a recipe like ours. I can't imagine how people live without the knowledge that He is on their side, and I'm glad that I don't have to.

I get an email every day from dictionary.com with a word of the day. Today's word was intrepid, and it means fearless, bold, brave, undaunted, courageous..... I may not feel like that lately, but my God will be those things for me until I do.

Gratitude

The Man and I had a crabby day yesterday. I'm not sure what was bothering both of us, but we weren't kind to one another. Neither of us has been feeling well lately, and I think that becomes our excuse to be rude. He has had an achy feeling the last week or two, and my allergies have been brutal. I was having a lovely sit on my pity pot about it the last few days, asking God why He won't heal me of all of the things I'm allergic to, and how I would be a better servant, mom and wife if He would heal me. I've been watching the Todd Bentley revival in Florida on and off for weeks, and it's exciting seeing all of those people get healed. I'm sure there are some who aren't truthful, but there are many that you can just tell are genuine. The woman the other night with the birth defect for example, you could tell that her ear was terribly malformed, and I have no doubt that she had been deaf in that ear since birth. And now she can hear! A true miracle. I'm no dispensationalist, I firmly believe that miracles and healings still happen today. But I find myself praying, 'God, I believe! Help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24) More than my own healing, I want it for my mother. I have faith that she will be healed, but the waiting, waiting, waiting.... will You heal her this side of Heaven Lord? Can we all live with it if You don't?
I'm confronted with my own lack of gratitude, and I know that I must learn to ask with complete faith, but with enough maturity that I can live without what I ask for. The Apostle Paul asked God repeatedly to heal him of the 'thorn in his flesh', but it was left there for a purpose.
Gratitude... this is something we talk about frequently in meetings. It must be more than emotion, but follow into action that shows we are truly grateful. In my day to day living, I need to be showing in my actions that I am grateful. The way I speak, the way I raise my children, what I teach them - should be infused with the gratitude for all that I am given.
I was sitting in the breakfast room this morning, drinking my coffee and reading a book. The Barnacle was in his high chair, chatting in a sing song voice and eating his cereal. I was struck by how translucent his blonde hair looked in the early sun. The Princess was packing her bag for school while the Boy snoozed on the couch, escaping the heat of his upstairs room. I thought about the members of Selah, so fresh in their losses, and of the several women I know who have become young widows this past year. And I am confronted with the reality that no matter what pain my broken road has shown me, I am alive, my marriage is whole and I am abundantly blessed.
The Man called me last night from work and we both apologized. A bit of quiet and time gives the gift of perspective, and both of us sitting many miles from each other, alone in the silence of the evening was enough to show us our own ridiculousness. I don't know why we so often choose to learn things the hard way. But I can be grateful that we get there, however long it takes us.

Anniversaries

I somehow magically lost my internet on the laptop. Don't ask me how it happens, it's a total mystery. It tells me that I have a network cable unplugged which is confusing given that it's wireless. Who knows. At any rate, it puts a cramp in my blogging style, as I have to use the family computer which is sticky and has very few of my bookmarks. Such trials I must endure!

So today is my anniversary - seven years of sobriety. My wedding anniversary is also this weekend - eleven years. Both of these are surprising to me somehow, as I don't know how I could be old enough for either of these. Oh wait, that's right, I'm not 25 anymore. Not sure when that happened either? Maybe there really is something to that Momnesia.

I'll be getting my coin tonight which means I have to talk. And as much as I like to gabble away here, doing so out loud and in front of other people always makes me twitch. And by twitch I mean it makes me want to throw up on my shoes. It's just my least favorite thing to do, which is hard given that part of my recovery is taking what I have learned and sharing it with others in meetings. I'm trying not to over think it, but I need to at least have some semblance of thought or else I babble and then shut up mid-sentence when I forget where I was going.

The main thing I like to share on my anniversary is that even though I was sober for three years before I came to AA, I don't recommend doing it that way. White-knuckling your way through early sobriety is hell, and an unnecessary one at that. When you have to go through something hard, it's a simple premise in life to find other people going through the same thing who can support you. When I stopped drinking I just did what my father had done. He has been sober for nearly three decades and has never gone to meetings. I didn't know anyone who went to AA. I had a friend, a woman many years older than me, who said that she didn't go to meetings because she didn't want 'that stigma'. I blindly latched on to that sentiment. But the problem is that every person is different, and although having no support worked for my friend and my Dad, it did not work for me. It wasn't until nearly three years later, when I was on my Walk to Emmaus, that a pastor talked about Alcoholics Anonymous, a place where grateful beggars could find grace on tap. I was struck by that statement, knowing how hard it had been for me to go it alone. Not much later a friend invited me to go with her, and I did. I got my three year coin at the second meeting I attended. All I could do was weep and say that I was thankful that I could do it for my children. I still feel that way, but have come far enough that I can actually speak without breaking down.

Without the program of recovery of Alcoholics Anonymous I would not be sober today. Many times I have struggled, only to find the wisdom I needed in the Big Book or from another alcoholic. Many times I have made an amend to someone I wronged, and found that redemption heals the soul. Many times I have called my sponsor and found solace in sharing my struggle with another. I cannot imagine life without this program, and living out the principles in my daily life.

As the Man and I get ready to celebrate eleven years together, I could not be more thankful for his support. He has always said that I should do whatever I needed to do, and never questioned me on it. We have watched as the marriages of friends have disintegrated over the years, and wondered how we were the chosen ones who stayed together. True, we work to have a good relationship. But the foundation for our marriage is God. If we relied simply on our love to stay together, we would fall apart. "The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever." ~ Isaiah 40:8

Happy Anniversary babe.... you still make me smile.

Night Shift

The Man went back on night shift yesterday. It's a good thing (money-wise) but it's also a hard thing (sanity-wise). We will now not see very much of each other during the week, and I will be back to single-mama duty for bedtime. This job is only a week though, so we aren't sure if he'll be back to days next week. There's another night job coming up that they may roll right into, so we'll see. They don't tend to tell him until the. last. minute.

Nothing else going on, except that I'm very happy with the banner I made for up top. I know, we're heading into spring, and yet there are autumn leaves on the trees. But it made me happy.

Ah Winter, I hardly knew ye!

Much to my chagrin, winter is pretty much over. Anyone who knows me knows that I love the winter-time, and look forward to wearing heavy sweaters and snow boots. Alas, this winter is fading and I don't think I got to wear my snow boots more than once. We have been cheated! Boo! I am thankful though, that the kids did get that one good snow day where the Man could take them sledding. :) And the wonderful trade-off of losing my favorite season, is that soon it will be warm enough for camping.

Didn't sleep well last night, or any recent night really. I can't seem to turn my brain off for some reason. So today is a caffeine day for sure.

So it's Monday, and I'm puttering. Got some things done around the house, and then was quite surprised to see the Man walk in the door before noon! Apparently he is starting night shift tonight, and no one told him. So he is sleeping now, and will have to make that fun time adjustment on very short notice. We aren't complaining though, because night shift is very good money. Thank you Lord for always providing!

The Barnacle is sick yet again, so he's needing a lot of cuddling and tissues. Not much more to say about that, as it's been our swan song all winter really. I guess that can be my other silver lining to the end of winter; hopefully his lungs will finally clear up.

A love like Johnny & June

I was driving my son to school this afternoon and I heard this song on the radio by Heidi Newfield (originally from Trick Pony) about Johnny & June Cash.

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line, Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love, Love ya that much,
Cash it all in, Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too, Like Johnny and June

And it kinda gave me pause, and I thought really? That's the kind of love you want? I suppose if you only look at the end of the story, and not the beginning, they definitely had a love worth admiring. But the painful journey it took to get them there is something that we shouldn't glamourize, even if Walk the Line was an incredible movie. Adultery, addiction, divorce... these are not things we should have to go through to find true love. And I know that I don't want my kids to look back at the life I lived and envy any part of how I lived.


I remember being challenged once by a friend who said he could outdrink me. I knew he couldn't, even though he had me by probably 5 inches and 70 or so pounds. So one night we were having a party and he matched me beer for beer for the whole night. I clearly remember at the end of the night, standing over his passed out form on the living room floor, while I finished the beer I had and opened another. For a long time in my early sobriety I had to remind myself that this was not behavior worth bragging about. I should never be proud of how much I used to be able to drink. It was something the Man had to deal with too, because he had an odd sense of pride over it too.

I can't say I care for that last line of the song, about wanting to die when our spouse dies. I love my husband, but I wouldn't want to die if he died. As much as I love him, my husband is not my reason for living. Jesus Christ is my reason for living, and as long as I am able to serve Him, that is where my worth comes from, not from being a wife.

Date Night

The Man and I had a date last night! Shocking, I know! It's been simply ages since we have gone to eat a meal without any small people with us. I literally could not recall the last time we had done it, how sad is that? We had our couple's group scheduled for 7pmish, and my pop was watching the kids for us. I asked if he would mind coming two hours early and he was happy to oblige. Getting the Barnacle to this point of not needing to be nursed before bed is HUGE people, and I am so so happy about it. It was stellar to be able to leave all three kids for the whole evening.

I had assumed given our budget as of late that we would be dining at MickeyD's, but the Man had done some 'creative financing' and we instead went for Chinese. We went to a little place that I had actually never been to, but have decided it must forever be our date night location. We sat in a little 'bambooth', where we were closed in on 3 sides by bamboo, creating a romantic little nook just for us. The chandelier above our heads was an inflated puffer fish with a light bulb inside. I loved it! I ordered a ridiculously expensive seafood meal and moaned over each perfect bite. Real food that I didn't have to share. Bliss.

The best part of the evening though, was just the time that the Man and I had to spend together, uninterrupted. We have shamefully let too much time go by where we pay little attention to one another beyond basic pleasantries. But our date night worked out so well that we're planning to shoot for doing it every month before couple's group. It's odd how we just never get around to doing things, but now we're suddenly doing them. The bigger examples of this of course being that we have been praying together and doing family devotions as well. Why we didn't do this sooner escapes me, and truthfully, why we are somehow able to do it now escapes me as well. It's clearly a GOD thing because we're a couple of loons who can't get our acts together on our own. I feel so so blessed with our family life, now more than ever.