In which I describe my high levels of book nerdery....

I read 66 books in 2015. The shortest was more like a booklet, a 27 page read by Ted Dekker about his faith journey. The longest was one of the Harry Potter books, at 870 pages. So I figure just count each one and somewhere it balances out.

60. When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man by Edward T. Welch. If you think you don't need to read this book because you don't struggle with this area, I assure you that you do need to read it and you probably do have a struggle in this area. On some level I think all people fear others; I certainly do and knew it, but didn't know how deep that ran. This was an insightful book but also offers some good practical advice on how to stop being a weenie about all the things.

61. Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult. Great story and characters, an enjoyable read. I didn't love that the point of view kept changing from 1st to 3rd, and the story at times was predictable. But her insight into the mindsets and thinking of the Amish was really interesting.

62. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them by Newt Scamander (JK Rowling). Charming and informative, a fun read for any devoted Harry Potter fan. I loved the entries on the Yeti and Loch Ness Monster especially.

63. The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith (JK Rowling). This is the 2nd book in her Cormoran Strike series and really good. Definitely more sweary than I would prefer, but a great murder mystery.

64. Page After Page: Discover the confidence and passion you need to start writing and keep writing. by Heather Sellers. I loved this book! Incredibly insightful and both helpful and encouraging.

65. Waking Up - How I Found My Faith By Losing It by Ted Dekker. Dekker is an odd duck and his books always reflect that. I generally have loved his books. This was a booklet and it was okay. I understood what he was trying to do, to share his own struggles with his faith and how God led him back. I honestly just found it mostly boring, and a bit presumptuous. Dekker believes that all Christians are struggling with living out what they claim to believe, and I disagree. I think he's missing that sanctification is a lifelong process, that as we yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit, He is faithful to change us and grow us in ways we couldn't have dreamed possible. It seems that no one ever explained this to Dekker when he was a new/young believer, which is a shame.

66. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. This is a classic for good reason. If you're not familiar with it I highly encourage you to check it out.

Now on to 2016!

January Books

I read 8 books in January! Feels good to be reading so much. Towards Zero by Agatha Christie was # 6. I started reading N or M? by Agatha Christie but took a break from it and read the first two books of Karen Kingsbury's Bailey Flanigan Series. I just needed something easy and fun to read, which these are. I do have a love/hate relationship with this author's books if I'm being honest. She writes great stories about faith and family, but they are often cheesy and predictable. We have to suffer through the lengthy inner monologue as characters work out their feelings and decisions, and the mom & child conversations with baby talk are just torture. I end up skipping over long sections like this because they make me a bit stabby. That said, I'm still reading them and enjoying them as crazy as that sounds. It's nice to have something a bit mindless to breeze through and they do have a good message about living out your faith.

maybe

From time to time I think about resurrecting the blog. This is about as far as I get and then I bail. Maybe I should just start.

I'm out of school right now. It was a very hard decision but I think I just need to get E through middle school and then revisit the idea. My grades are still really good but this past school year was just too much and I felt hysterical way too often. Plus I really couldn't wait to write that student loan check every month, and why deny myself that pleasure?

So when we last left off, life was hard and I was sad and please Jesus just come back and get us already. I still feel that way about many things. I've always been a cynic but I feel like a much darker and twistier person in the last two years. Still working on that. I've found myself walking more and more with Jesus every day though, something that brings me joy. That time with Him is sometimes awesome and sometimes convicting and sometimes boring, but I'm trying. I love keeping a prayer journal and writing down verses that comfort or or doodling little colorful pictures that amuse me. I like talking to God this way. (I started a Pinterest board for inspiration.)

The holidays are over and we're on the last few days of winter break. I'm ready to get back into the routine and madness. I had the flu for Christmas so I wasn't exactly in one-horse-open-sleigh mode this year. I already put most of the decorations away. Time to start focusing on 2015?? Is it seriously 2015? My daughter turns 16 this year. My son will become a teenager this year. Maybe now is not the time to start blogging again....

Grief

It's been ages since I blogged, obviously. I've been avoiding it, not wanting to deal with a multitude of negative feelings and crummy attitudes. It's been a good year in many ways, and God is always faithful. But there has been so much grief that I just could not write about for fear it would just overtake me.

When the people you love suffer terrible loss, and when you yourself are one of those people who have high empathy, it can be devastating. Last year when my Uncle Dane died I grieved terribly for the loss of him in my life, but even more so for what I knew the loss was like for my Aunt Candy and my cousins. As my cousin Ross said at the funeral, "What are you doing, God?!"  It was such a shocking, sudden loss and my heart was flooded with grief.

When my sister's marriage ended my heart was broken for her, for the loss of all that could have been, for the life & marriage that was taken from her, the grief that was left behind and for the two small children in the middle of it all. None of us ever saw this coming and my heart aches for my little sister.

This year my mentor and dear friend went through her own shocking and sudden loss when her daughter was killed in a car accident. I cried constantly for weeks, unable to comprehend the death of a 24 year old woman with so much life ahead of her. I thought of the stupid things I was doing in my early 20s, and wondered why God had spared me and not her, she who was so good and sweet and doing all the right things. My cup overflowed with grief, my heart was shattered for those I loved and what they were going through. I sat in my grief for them, wishing I could sit with them, feed them, do something, anything that would give action to my grief. I went to the memorial service with hundreds of other people, clenching my husband's hand and waiting in line for an hour so I could hold my friend for just a moment as she sobbed. I sent a salad for the funeral luncheon and tried not to cry into it. I left muffins by their door. I prayed without ceasing, something I had never quite understood before.

For my own selfish part, I lost the counsel and friendship of someone I love very much. I needed someone to give me wisdom on how to walk this road, but the very person I needed was the one suffering herself. I should have seen sooner what God was doing and how He was using this. He used it in that most exasperating way, where He uses pain to teach us to rely on Him fully, and to grow patience and resilience in my heart. I fought Him and railed against Him and sobbed at His feet. How could He let this happen to them? How could He leave me so full of grief for others that I could not get through one day without crying?

I spent time with Him daily somewhat out of spite, asking Him to FIX THIS because I did not know how. I saw my friend from the distance which she now held me at, and I asked Jesus to come back now and take this cup from us all. I watched my sister from hundreds of miles away as she packed up her things and moved into an apartment. I thought of my uncle and how much He loved Jesus and how his family must go on without him. I yelled at God repeatedly. When my tantrums were done, I found new peace in Him. He waited until I got over myself, and showed me how closely He had drawn me to Him in the past year. I know He holds my friend in His hands. She always told me to remember what I know is true and all of His promises. I'm holding on to that as a lifeline; I know she's right. I don't know where God is taking her. I don't know what this is like for her beyond unimaginable pain. I know that none of us can go with her on this journey, but I trust that our Jesus is walking it with her. Because in the end it isn't about me. It's not about her. It's about Jesus. This is the comfort to which I have to cling, even if I do so at times with angry or bitter hands. I am finding peace, day by day, and I know that only comes from Him. God is good.

Senior College Student

{best of the senior college student memes here}

I started college twenty years ago this month, and I love that God timed it so I would start again now. When I applied to college the first time I was looking for an education, but what I wanted in the short term was Christian community. I chose a small, Presbyterian school that I had visited during some missions conferences, and was thrilled to be accepted. I had always wanted Christian friends and craved those kinds of relationships. I was sure this was finally going to be where I found a circle of friends that I could pray with, be real with and grow with in our faith.
It didn't take long to realize that I had made mistake, and there was really no Christian community to be found there. My roommate was a believer, but she turned out to be a complete psycho who wanted me out of the room. (She eventually moved out.) There was one tiny club for Christians but it just seemed nerdy and there wasn't anyone there I thought I could connect with. I gave up on Christian friends and just tried to make any friends I could. This was the beginning of my problem drinking, downward spiral, etc. In hindsight it's easy to see that I should have left and gone home, or applied elsewhere and tried to transfer. But at 18 I didn't think I had a choice, and assumed I was stuck there. I did what I could to fit in, somehow still always being alone and isolated, my faith fading.
So twenty years later, I am starting over and I get my first message from one of my new professors. She went over some basic information for the course, and then closed with this:
"I can't wait to see what God has for us together this term. I am looking forward to meeting each of you and getting to know you. I am already praying for you, but if you have specific prayer requests that you would like to share with me, I would welcome your emails. I like to be able to pray for you with specificity. I pray that God will bless each of us as we work together, learning and strengthening our daily walk. I look forward to hearing from you.  I urge you to commit yourself to live out this verse: The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.  Proverbs 21:5"
I cried when I read that. I never thought that I would be able to go back to finish my degree, and I certainly never even sought to find that Christian college community again. To get my first message from a professor and read about prayer and scripture was just overwhelming. I love that God gives us gifts like this. I'm excited for this new chapter, and feel so blessed that I can do it the way I wanted to twenty years ago.

Women of Faith

I can't stop singing this! It was one of the finals songs we sang at Women of Faith this weekend, and I can't describe how it moved me. If you've never gone to an event like this, please do. There is nothing else like it; the experience of worshipping our Lord with 11,000 other women is so moving, so powerful. It is like a tiny glimpse of what Heaven must be like, praising Him together. There were many speakers, in particular women like Christine Caine, who have such a painful & beautiful testimony of God's love and redemption.

Oh, and also, there's this:

Like my tiara?

Hell Sucks

About 90 seconds on why hell sucks and why we've done a poor job of marketing heaven.

10,000 Reasons

This song has been on the radio lately, and I can't get enough of it. It just fills me up with such joy, praising God and thanking Him for all the '10,000 Reasons' in my own life. They don't play it enough on the radio so I'm thinking I need to go buy the CD.

I've been getting all my ducks in a row for college, and today went to my old high school to request my transcripts from TWENTY years ago. I gave the secretary the fax number for the college, and she said she would fax them over there today. One more little step that just feels HUGE to me. I can't say enough that this is GOD moving in my life, because I really could not do this on my own. I am terrified about doing this. I am not an anxious person and have really never been a fearful person, but every time I face another step in this process I can feel panic rising in me, and I get super agitated. So I just keep plowing forward, trying not to dwell on all my fears, and all of the reasons why this will clearly not work, and how I'm going to waste our money, and never have time to study raising three kids while Tom is working 75 hours a week, etc etc etc. I am not exaggerating when I say that I cannot see how in the world we are going to make this work.

When I left the district offices today I felt a bit lighter, one step closer. I got in the car and the 10,000 Reasons song came on and I just burst out laughing and crying. I sang it loudly (aren't you glad you weren't in the car with me?!) and then listened as the DJ talked afterward. She said sometimes we just need to be reminded that God will do what He has said He will do. That we sometimes need to think of our own 10,000 reasons to be thankful and remind ourselves of all that He has already done in our lives. And that whatever we may be facing, He has promised to care for us and watch over us. I'm telling you, I swear that woman was only talking to me. God definitely led her to speak to me, because I needed to hear it. I keep feeling so discouraged lately with my health, and as much as I try to be optimistic, it has been near impossible to believe that I am ever going to feel better. I really needed that encouragement today, thank you Lord.

Uncle Dane

1947 ~ 2012

“O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

But O heart! heart! heart!

O the bleeding drops of red,

Where on the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead."

~ Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

My Uncle Dane died suddenly last Friday. He was a healthy, active, strong man with a heart that suddenly stopped. He was my mother's brother, younger than her by 18 months. He had a wife of 42 years, a son, a daughter, and four grandchildren. His obituary lists the many things he was involved in, giving of his time selflessly.

Literature is a part of my family legacy. My Gram was losing her short-term memory at the end of her life, but could still quote large passages of poetry that she had memorized years before. My Uncle's pastor, during his eulogy, talked about using Dane like a reference book when he needed to know where a line from Hamlet was or what book a favorite quote was from. I am nowhere near as well read as them or my mother, but I do love to read and collect books. I love this about my family, that books are lifeblood to us.

The pain is still too near for me to ponder all the mysteries of life, why Uncle Dane was taken now, or how my Aunt Candy will face life without him. The short and dirty truth is that this is life, and we live it on terms that are not our own. My Uncle Dane died much too young, but he had 20 more years than his own father had. There are no profound answers to be had about why he is gone, just profound loss.

I went to the barn while we were at the farm, and looked at all of the things that my uncle used and worked with every day. I said goodbye to the team of Belgians that will be sold now that there is no one to drive them. I touched the tools and saddles and remembered Uncle Dane teaching me how to brush and saddle a horse. I remember being a little girl and riding on his hip, while my cousin Lori rode on the other. I remember his great booming voice when he would pray before meals at family reunions. I remember his laughter and smile, for he had such joy in life. I remember his immense love for God's creation, and how he loved to be in the outdoors. I remember going raccoon hunting with him at night, and the sound of the hounds in the woods. And I remember most of all that Uncle Dane loved and served Jesus his whole life, and I know what joy he must have now that he is with our Maker, and with so many loved ones.
When we were preparing to leave and saying our goodbyes my aunt grasped my hands and wouldn't let go, asking me to please please drive safely and how much it meant that we had come such a distance to be there. But the distance was nothing and where would we be but with our family, to share the grief and memories? She wanted to give me gas money, which I refused. She insisted, and finally I said that I wouldn't take money but would love to take a book from my uncle's library. I chose Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass.

We drove the 400 mile trip on Monday, my sister and I, and then home again on Wednesday night. It felt like we had been gone weeks, and not just three days. Monday was my sobriety anniversary; 11 years. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary; 15 years. Both of these days barely registered in the shadow of this loss. I don't know where I would be without either of them though, my sobriety and my husband. I am blessed.

Goodbye, Uncle Dane. I cannot wrap my mind around the reality that you are gone. Maybe none of us ever will.  You were too young and too good and the unfairness of it is terrible. But we have the peace that only He gives, peace in the knowledge that we will see you again. God is good.

Hold Us Together

This is my favorite song right now, for a variety of reasons....

Have a great weekend all....

This & That

3 Common Traits of Youth Who Don't Leave the Church - This is something I think about a lot, since I was one of those kids who walked away from the church when I went to college. I appreciate any insight into what keeps kids grounded in their faith when they leave home.

10 Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls - All very true and funny!

Multiple Forms of ADHD? - "Investigators believe ADHD symptoms may actually represent an entire family of disorders, similar to the classification of various subtypes of cancer."  I don't want to sound rude, but the words, "WELL DUH" came out of my mouth upon reading that. Sorry science guys, no offense meant, but it's just nice to hear that research supports what moms & dads of ADHD kids have already known for years.

Friday

I don't feel like blogging when I feel like this, but I'm making myself do it anyway because I know it always makes me feel better. I don't have much to say that doesn't involve complaining about crappy neighborhood kids who are mean to my son, or me feeling like dirt because of the stupid thyroid medication. I told Janet that I need a girls' night out pronto.  I have faith that God has His hand in everything. I have faith that He can and will work it for my good and His glory. I do. It just sucks waiting for the good part to arrive, especially when your child is lonely and sad. There is nothing more painful for me, and I fully admit to not handling it well ever.

Tom is going to night shift for a few weeks. Now that busy season is beginning he brought home the work truck again, much to all of our delight. The boys LOVE that giant truck, we save on gas money and I get to drive Tom's new sporty car. Win win!

The weather has been a bit ridiculous lately. Winter got vetoed somehow and we're fast forwarding through spring at an alarming pace. You can expect many grouchy posts if this leads us into an extra-hot summer. We all know how I feel about summer. Speaking of summer, the plans for vacation bible school are rolling. I don't know what I'm doing yet this year, but I do know that now that Janet is co-leading children's ministries, the opportunities to harass and annoy her are endless. It's good to have goals.

Struggling

I started taking a generic form of Synthroid a week ago, in an effort to bring down my TSH levels and get my thyroid to function correctly. I had high hopes for this because I have struggled with fatigue for as long as I can remember. In the past six months or so it got worse, combined with heart palpitations, hair loss, forgetfulness and muscle tremors.

After seven days I called my doctor today to tell him that not only am I not feeling any better, I feel about fifty times worse. I am so exhausted all day that I can barely keep my eyes open, and I have nausea all day long. I'm also non-stop starving and have gained two pounds. The muscle tremors are out of control. I mopped the family room today and afterwards couldn't stop shaking for hours. I'm on an emotional roller coaster where I'm joyful one minute and hysterically crying the next. I feel as if I'm going mad.

My doctor told me to stop taking the medication, and let it clear out of my system for two weeks. He said to call him after that and we'll talk about the options.

I just keep praying to God, and all I can say is 'Help.' I don't know what to ask for. There seem to be no answers or solutions and I just feel defeated. I don't feel that way all the time, because the emotional roller coaster is great that way. I was at the chiropractor yesterday, completely in knots and he was very concerned. He said I didn't even feel like me. He asked me how my stress level was and I said medium? I don't even know. It was the longest adjustment I've ever had, with deep tissue massage, this technique and that technique, and much pain. He finally got me all straightened out, and I told him that I had started taking a medication for my thyroid. He told me that the thyroid is 'his thing' and he loaned me a book. He's concerned that I could have Hashimoto Disease. I can't even let my mind go there at this point. He said it would mean giving up some things. I said you don't even know all that I've already given up. I quit smoking and got sober and lost weight and eat whole grains and tons of vegetables and I still feel awful. The unfairness of it just sucks.

Lord, show me the light in this darkness. Lead me out, because I don't know where I'm going or how to get there. I trust you, but I'm lost. Amen.

ps

I just ate four Twix bars. Lest anyone think that Tom is not taking good care of me during my foray into insanity.

October Baby

Tonight Tom and I went to see the pre-screening of the movie October Baby. I wasn't exactly sure why I was going, because this screening was intended for pastors & leaders, people in the pro-life movement, or people who work as crisis pregnancy counselors. I left the pregnancy loss ministry behind at my old church more than three years ago, so I had no reason to go see this. But when I got the email from ARIN about it, and watched the trailer, I just felt like I needed to see it. I'm not sure where God is calling me, but He's had my attention lately, letting me know that something is coming.

I won't give anything away, but there were a few times in the movie where God spoke to me clearly. One of them was the use of John 8:36, which is my life verse. He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. I am nervous & excited to see where God leads me.

In the meantime, please go see this movie when it opens on March 23rd. It is an amazing story, and so well done. Sometimes Christian movies have a great message but the acting is cheesy or it just looks cheaply done. October Baby was nothing like that at all. It was beautiful, powerful, inspiring and healing. Go!

Reshaping It All

Mary loaned me a book by Candace Cameron Bure, titled Reshaping It All. It's been a good read, and I always feel like if I take notes, it was worth spending the time on. I was reading it at breakfast today and came to this:

When you are standing in the desert of testing with your back to the sea and all you can see in front of you is the enemy closing in, be still. Stand firm, and you will find deliverance. have you ever stood still long enough to witness God do His work? Have you ever stood still in His presence and let Him fight your enemy? Be still. Because when you do, God will triumph over your enemy, release you from your stronghold, and you will know that He is God.

I must have reread that paragraph five times, and thanked God for showing me the Be Still message yet again! I seem to run into it everywhere now. I love when God reaffirms Himself to you over and over again; it's so reassuring.

Crazy Love

Crazy Love by Francis Chan has been on my 'to be read' list for probably a year or more. I really should get a copy and read it already! I do have about 20 books ahead of it though that I'm still trying to get through. Anyhoo, I ran across this excerpt from it and thought I'd share.

A Great Passage from Francis Chan’s Book “Crazy Love”

Offering Leftovers

God wants our best, deserves our best, and demands our best. From the beginning of time, He has been clear that some offerings are acceptable to Him and others are not. Just ask Cain, upon whose offering God did not look with favor (Genesis 4:5).

For years I gave God leftovers and felt no shame. I simply took my eyes off Scripture and instead compared myself to others. The bones I threw at God had more meat on them than the bones others threw, so I figured I was doing fine.

It’s easy to fill ourselves up with other things and then give God whatever is left. Hosea 13:6 says, “When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.” God gets a scrap or two only because we feel guilty for giving Him nothing. A mumbled three-minute prayer at the end of the day, when we are already half asleep. Two crumpled-up dollar bills thrown as an afterthought into the church’s fund for the poor. Fetch, God!

    “But when you present the blind for sacrifice, is it not evil? And when you present the lame and sick, is it not evil? Why not offer it to your governor? Would he be pleased with you? Or would he receive you kindly?” says the Lord.

    Malachi 1:8

The priests of Malachi’s day thought their sacrifices were sufficient. They had spotless animals, but chose to keep those for themselves and give their less desirable animals to God. They assumed God was pleased because they had sacrificed something.

God described this practice as evil.

Leftovers are not merely inadequate; from God’s point of view (and lest we forget, His is the only one that matters), they’re evil. Let’s stop calling it “a busy schedule” or “bills” or “forgetfulness.” It’s called evil.

God is holy. In heaven exists a Being who decides whether or not I take another breath. This holy God deserves excellence, the very best I have. “But something is better than nothing!” some protest. Really, is it? Does anyone enjoy token praise? I sure don’t. I’d rather you not say anything than compliment me out of obligation or guilt. Why would we think God is any different?

What He wants you to know

I found this on a tumblr full of inspirational scripture pictures. I don't endorse that site simply because they repeatedly post Joel Osteen video clips and the man is a heretic. That said, I really love this list.

Here’s what Jesus wants you to know:

1. You are my beloved. (Eph. 5:1)
2. I knew you before you were born. As my hands formed you, I whispered purpose into your bones. I can’t not love you. (Ps. 139:1-6)
3. I love you beyond human reason—even at your very worst, steeped in sin. (Rom. 5:8)
4. My love is contrary to all you know of “love.” I Love you “even though” and “deeper still.” My love reaches, pursues, remains. (Ps. 36:5)
5. My Love for you won’t walk out, fail, or ever come to an end. (Deut. 31:8)
6. No matter what you’ve heard or what you’ve come to believe, there’s nothing that can separate you from my Love. (Rom. 8:38-39)
7. I am not like people. So please—don’t put human words in my mouth or apply human behaviors to my character. You will miss me altogether. (Isaiah 55:8)
8. I’ve never ignored you. I’ve been here all along. Protecting. Loving. Waiting. (Ps. 56:8)
9. Your love of _____ (sin) isn’t worth eternity. I will break your chains. I will give you the desires of your heart. (Jn. 8:32, Ps. 37:4)
10. Please forgive some of my followers. People—even Christian people—will fail you. You live in a fallen land, where no one is perfect and all need My grace. Put your faith and trust in Me alone. (Psalm 146:3)
11. There’s no sin I will not forgive. You are the “whosoever believes in me” whom I will give eternal life … if you believe. (John 3:16)
12. As resourceful and brilliant as you are, you cannot save yourself. It’s by God’s grace and faith in Me alone that you are saved. (Eph 2:8-9)
13. I understand your pain and heartbreak. And my heart breaks with you. (Is. 53:3)
14. There’s nowhere you can go where my Love won’t find you. (Psalm 139:7-8)
15. The shame and guilt weighs you down has been taken care of on the cross. Your bill has been zeroed out. (John 3:16)
16. The addictions. The pride. The selfishness. The hate. The lust. The jealousy. The critical spirit. The greed. I can heal it. All of it. You can start fresh. Today. (Rom. 8:1-4)
17. I will forgive you. But only if you ask. And I care more about the “ask” than I do about the sin. (Acts 3:19)
18. I will not force you to do or be anything. I want a relationship with you more than I want to rule over you. (Jeremiah 31:3)
19. I will forgive your sin and I will forget it. That’s right—completely erase it from my mind. No replays, no record. Gone. (Ps. 103:12)
20. It’s never too late to turn your life around. I came to give second chances. (Luke 23:42-43)
21. I love you. Let’s talk. (Jer. 29:13)

My One Word

So I finally have My One Word for 2012. And of course, because I like to be annoying, it's not one word, it's two, and from this verse.

I have prayed repeatedly about what my Word for this year should be, but overall just felt led to be quiet and to listen to Him. To spend daily time in His Word, which is something I have always been sporadic with. I have started reading a chronological bible that is laid out to be read in a year. Along with that I've been writing in my prayer journal each time I read, and feeling His peace; the peace that I have desperately needed with all of the drama life has thrown at me the past month or so.

I let myself get caught up in life pretty much every day. I forget Him, and then throw a few minutes at Him before I fall asleep. I pray for other people, but don't take time to listen and be still. And I think overall that I need to be still in my life, not just in those moments of prayer. He helped me find my One Word by leading me to be still, and stop striving, and just be.

My One Word 2012

It's New Year's Resolution time for a lot of us. I did My One Word last year, and am doing it again for 2012. I think 'Reckless Abandon' worked well for me, even if it didn't accomplish what I thought it would. I chose it believing it would help me to lay aside fears I had about writing, losing weight & witnessing about my faith in Jesus. It did work for the latter two, but not the first. I made the decision to lay aside the writing dream for now. The harder I tried to pursue it with reckless abandon, the more I found I didn't want to do it, didn't have time to do it and just was not ready. I hope I can come back to it in a few years, but we'll see what God has planned.
Theresa told me that her One Word for last year was 'rest', from Matthew 11:28-30. I am praying about what my Word should be this year, but I'm already feeling like God is directing me towards something similar. Time and again I find myself praying in the foxhole, but neglecting that daily quiet time. I've been looking for a verse today and found this article on doing quiet time. I like the acronym of 'ASPECT' and how you can use that as a tool for bible study. I'll post again later when I have my One Word.

A – About God – What can you learn about God through this passage?

S – Sin – Does it talk about any sin?

P – Promise – Is there any promise in the word?

E – Example – Is there any example, I can follow?

C –Command – Which command I need to obey?

T – Teaching – What can I learn from this passage?

The New Normal

I said to my father yesterday that I just want to get life back to normal, as I'm tired of the chaos we've been living the last few weeks. He said that won't happen. This annoys me, even though I know he's right. The new normal is that my grandmother is gone. The new normal is that my husband is not bulletproof.

As I watched my husband sweat and shake and groan on that hospital bed, and I thought about what it must have been like when my grandfather died at the age of 43, I wondered at what Gram's new normal must have been like.

What I don't want is for the new normal to be run by fear. Tom wanted to drop his car off for an oil change today, and he needed me to pick him up once he did this. I didn't want him to drive since he's not supposed to yet less than a week after surgery, but he said it's a short drive and no big deal. He left the house first and I got the kids into the van. I went to the dealership, but he wasn't there. I thought, 'oh duh, wrong one' because I had gone to where we get my Kia worked on. I headed over to the Chevy dealer where they would service his Cruz. He wasn't there either. I called his phone; he didn't answer. I drove back to the first place, not there. Then back to the second, still not there. I went inside and had them look his car up in case he had gotten in quickly and already left. He hadn't. They called Chrysler next door to see if he was there. He wasn't. I called his phone again, no answer. Nearly an hour had passed and I couldn't find my husband. I felt sick to my stomach and the kids were hungry and antsy, since we were supposed to be at the mall for lunch by now. I went to the first place again and called his phone again. I was panicked, where was he? Did he get sick while driving? Was he pulled over somewhere, unable to drive? I drove home, near tears.

Once inside my daughter got on the computer and found a coupon for Goodyear on the screen that he must have printed.  I left the kids and flew up to Goodyear, where he was watching tv in the lobby. I wanted to throw things at him. He was baffled, and said that he had told me he was going to Goodyear. I hadn't heard him. I don't hear a lot of things lately that are said to me, because I'm in the fog. I noticed it while still at Gram's nursing home, when a nurse asked me if I was getting on the elevator. The doors had opened and she stood in there waiting, while I stood in front of the open doors staring into space, completely lost in my own thoughts.

I spend so much time thinking about everything that I am lost inside my own head.  Maybe this is a way to protect myself too, I don't know. Like I can draw myself away from the chaos into a peaceful place. I did that when we made a second trip to the emergency room on Monday, after Tom had spent the day throwing up. His throat was raw and swollen from being intubated during surgery, and he couldn't get any food down or keep it down. We were in the ER for 4½ hours and I lost myself playing games on my Kindle as much as I could while we waited.

I don't want to live my life in fear. I need to pray about this, a lot I think, because in my heart I know that God is sovereign and has me in His hand. But my head takes over with practical facts and reminds me of the frailty of our bodies and the brevity of life. Whatever happens, I know I can trust Him. But do I? I have to keep repeating to myself that He is faithful. He is to be trusted.

I'm so thankful for the friends & family we have that have called to check on us, prayed for us, sent cards of sympathy or get well messages, or fed us. Two girlfriends took the boys for playdates yesterday too, giving them some time out of the house and giving us some much needed quiet.  Mary called while I was writing this and asked if she could do anything for me. I told her that her phone call was what I needed most; that emotional support, knowing that our friends are holding us up when we cannot stand on our own.... that is priceless to me. ♥