December

I'm on break from school, which is a nice mental break if nothing else. It hasn't exactly been relaxing, but it's all good. A was super sick over Christmas but at least we didn't have any hospital trips this time so that was nice. TC did punch my nephew in the face on Christmas Day and loosen his tooth, so I win for parenting the Worst Redheaded Kid Ever, ughhh. Classes are cancelled over the holidays but I'll be having a conversation with his instructor when we go back to martial arts in the new year. I think a lecture from him will have more impact on TC than mine did.

I finished the fall semester with a 4.0, which is pretty surreal to me. I hold no illusion that I'll keep that up in the long-term, but it sure felt nice to start off so well. My next class is a Bible one and then in the second half of the semester I'm taking my next Psych class which is Intro to Research. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but as Kate pointed out, at least I don't have to go to the library and hunt stuff down to photocopy, since the LU library is all online.

I'm still sick with stomach problems and finally made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. I'm really looking forward to that, because I'm sure he's going to want to do the test I've been putting off for about ten years. Tim Hawkins has a nice song about it that I'm sure I'll be humming that day. I'm assuming he won't find anything wrong, since every test I have ever had done has shown nothing, but it will make Tom happy if I go. He's tired of me being sick & cranky I guess???

So today's the last day of 2012 and I can say mostly good riddance. The good always outweighs the bad, but this wasn't my favorite year to say the least. I am thankful though, that I can still say that it is well with my soul.

Senior College Student

{best of the senior college student memes here}

I started college twenty years ago this month, and I love that God timed it so I would start again now. When I applied to college the first time I was looking for an education, but what I wanted in the short term was Christian community. I chose a small, Presbyterian school that I had visited during some missions conferences, and was thrilled to be accepted. I had always wanted Christian friends and craved those kinds of relationships. I was sure this was finally going to be where I found a circle of friends that I could pray with, be real with and grow with in our faith.
It didn't take long to realize that I had made mistake, and there was really no Christian community to be found there. My roommate was a believer, but she turned out to be a complete psycho who wanted me out of the room. (She eventually moved out.) There was one tiny club for Christians but it just seemed nerdy and there wasn't anyone there I thought I could connect with. I gave up on Christian friends and just tried to make any friends I could. This was the beginning of my problem drinking, downward spiral, etc. In hindsight it's easy to see that I should have left and gone home, or applied elsewhere and tried to transfer. But at 18 I didn't think I had a choice, and assumed I was stuck there. I did what I could to fit in, somehow still always being alone and isolated, my faith fading.
So twenty years later, I am starting over and I get my first message from one of my new professors. She went over some basic information for the course, and then closed with this:
"I can't wait to see what God has for us together this term. I am looking forward to meeting each of you and getting to know you. I am already praying for you, but if you have specific prayer requests that you would like to share with me, I would welcome your emails. I like to be able to pray for you with specificity. I pray that God will bless each of us as we work together, learning and strengthening our daily walk. I look forward to hearing from you.  I urge you to commit yourself to live out this verse: The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.  Proverbs 21:5"
I cried when I read that. I never thought that I would be able to go back to finish my degree, and I certainly never even sought to find that Christian college community again. To get my first message from a professor and read about prayer and scripture was just overwhelming. I love that God gives us gifts like this. I'm excited for this new chapter, and feel so blessed that I can do it the way I wanted to twenty years ago.

10,000 Reasons

This song has been on the radio lately, and I can't get enough of it. It just fills me up with such joy, praising God and thanking Him for all the '10,000 Reasons' in my own life. They don't play it enough on the radio so I'm thinking I need to go buy the CD.

I've been getting all my ducks in a row for college, and today went to my old high school to request my transcripts from TWENTY years ago. I gave the secretary the fax number for the college, and she said she would fax them over there today. One more little step that just feels HUGE to me. I can't say enough that this is GOD moving in my life, because I really could not do this on my own. I am terrified about doing this. I am not an anxious person and have really never been a fearful person, but every time I face another step in this process I can feel panic rising in me, and I get super agitated. So I just keep plowing forward, trying not to dwell on all my fears, and all of the reasons why this will clearly not work, and how I'm going to waste our money, and never have time to study raising three kids while Tom is working 75 hours a week, etc etc etc. I am not exaggerating when I say that I cannot see how in the world we are going to make this work.

When I left the district offices today I felt a bit lighter, one step closer. I got in the car and the 10,000 Reasons song came on and I just burst out laughing and crying. I sang it loudly (aren't you glad you weren't in the car with me?!) and then listened as the DJ talked afterward. She said sometimes we just need to be reminded that God will do what He has said He will do. That we sometimes need to think of our own 10,000 reasons to be thankful and remind ourselves of all that He has already done in our lives. And that whatever we may be facing, He has promised to care for us and watch over us. I'm telling you, I swear that woman was only talking to me. God definitely led her to speak to me, because I needed to hear it. I keep feeling so discouraged lately with my health, and as much as I try to be optimistic, it has been near impossible to believe that I am ever going to feel better. I really needed that encouragement today, thank you Lord.

College. Oy.

{gif from pleated-jeans}

This was pretty much me in college. Which explains why my transcripts are so painful to look at. After 18 years I finally requested them, and it was pretty awful to read them. It was actually worse than I expected, and I hadn't expected much. Even now after nearly 11 years of sobriety, I underestimate how much it really affected me right from the beginning. I'm going to request my high school transcripts next, which should make for a nicer read. I was a B student for the most part, except for math which I still suck at. (I can't help E with his 4th grade math homework. It's quite humbling.)

So I'm  prayerfully considering going back to school to get my bachelor's degree. I have a lot of anxiety about this, probably because my two years of college were like Animal House and I lost all ability to be a student. I have been a stay at home mom for more than a decade, and aside from bible study I haven't exactly been working the brain too hard. I don't know what kind of student I am capable of being. Tom has much confidence in me, but he's biased. I am queasy at the thought of racking up student debt now, when we have to start paying college tuition for A in five years. It's intimidating. And my list of Excellent Reasons goes on.

My friend Heather has pep talked me repeatedly this week, sometimes being reassuring and calming, and other times telling me to get over myself. I know she is right on both fronts, but it's just going to take time for me to pray & work through all of my Excellent Reasons for why I shouldn't finish my degree.