Recovery Walks! 2012

Today was Recovery Walks!, a walk to "raise awareness that drug and alcohol addiction is a public health concern; overcome stigma; put a positive face on recovery; provide hope that people do recover; honor the people and organizations that provide services for the recovery community; show solidarity; and honor those who have not survived this disease."

Because I have 11 years of continuous sobriety, I got to be in the Honor Guard (for 10 years & up).  Being in the Honor Guard feels a bit like your birthday. People make a little fuss over you, give you a sash with a numbered badge on it, make you all stand together for a group picture, and then have you lead off the Walk. I'll be honest, it feels pretty awesome.

I volunteered for Pro-Act this year, so I was at the registration table for a three hours before the Walk began. Once it started I joined the Honor Guard at the front and off we went. There were 6 or 7 people carrying the Walk banner right in front of me, and after a minute I realized that the man right in front of me was Ted Williams, also known as The Golden Voice.

If you aren't familiar with him, this video gives a synopsis of his story. It's really incredible.

We walked for several blocks, and then one of the men carrying the banner turned around and said he was going to step back and I should take his place. I was surprised but said ok. I got to chatting with the men on either side of me. The man on my left introduced himself as Dave, and asked where I was involved. I told him where I was from and that I was currently a homemaker but going back to school in the hopes of becoming a substance abuse counselor. He said he thought that was great and that he loved hearing what different people were doing to get involved. I then asked what he did. He told me that he was the Deputy Director of Demand Reduction for the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy (David Mineta). I'm not often speechless, but this came pretty close. I also chatted with the man to my right, who introduced himself as Gary. It was a delight chatting and walking together. After I got home I discovered that Gary is actually Gary Tennis, Secretary of Pennsylvania's Department of Drug & Alcohol Programs. I'm pretty sure by tomorrow I will find out that the other man walking with us was the Pope. It was absolutely humbling, amazing and surreal.  (And something else that's amazing; if you watch that video and you see Ted's sober living coach, Eric? He took this picture for me; how cool is that?)

I love this Walk, and everything it represents. And being blessed to walk with people who have the power to truly make a difference in the lives of people seeking treatment was beyond words. And the funny thing was that as I walked with them, I felt like we could be equals. I realized that as I was driving home, and it brought me to tears. For eighteen years I have regretted that I didn't stay in school and get my degree. My disease of alcoholism took that from me. I never really thought about trying to finish because I believed myself unworthy of a college education. I wasted the chance I was given. But now I'm doing it, finally doing it, and I can walk tall on this journey, and know that it's ok to believe in myself, and to imagine that I can help people find long term recovery.

Recovery has given me many gifts, and I love that it continues to surprise me. Plus, I get to wear the super cool sash, which I really think I need to wear on grocery store trips or when I'm picking up the kids from school.

Foggy

I didn't remember to write anything on the calendar for this weekend. I thankfully still made it to some events since someone else remembered them, but it does make me wonder when my brain will return from it's state of distracted oatmeal. I mentioned this to my mentor this morning and she said that I'm still just in the fog. She's definitely right, I just wish I could break out of it. It's been weird for our family how one thing has happened after another the past few months. I will think that life will calm down soon, and surely nothing else is going to happen, and then something else does.

I went to a meeting the other day and my sponsor gave me my 11 year coin. A young man in the program died last week, and many were sharing in the meeting about that. I had thought a meeting would distract me from my grief, but it was all about grief. The good thing is that we can comfort each other, and that the worst days help us to see our best days in a new light. We all cried, but it was a good meeting.

I mentioned a while back that a friend of mine is facing the end of her marriage and that I'm just sick about it for her. The 'friend' is actually my sister. We've been on the phone so much that I actually used up all of my minutes last month which is a LOT of minutes. It's a very surreal time for our family. I love my sister beyond words, and I'm so heartbroken for her. I'm going to visit her next weekend to celebrate her birthday. I told her that not even an apocolypse could keep me from coming this time!

I'm trying to keep busy, as boredom = depression as we know, at least for me, and sitting around being sad isn't going to help me move on. Our school district is on strike though, so there's no routine for the kids to get back to, and there's lots of bickering for me to preside over, blech. We've made two library trips in one week, and I feel a third coming on shortly.

I'm okay. And the parts of me that aren't okay will be soon, or someday. Writing about this helps me to find peace about it, so don't worry that I'm wallowing or anything. I find ways to laugh with my kids, and enjoy the joys of my life, and try to accept all that comes my way. The 'new normal' seems to change pretty frequently around here. The good news though, is that Jesus still loves me. And I'm still sober. And life goes on. I am blessed.

Alcoholism as an Illness

BILL WILSON’S RESPONSE TO A QUESTION CONCERNING
CALLING ALCOHOLISM AN ILLNESS

Q. How do you justify calling alcoholism an illness, and not and not a moral responsibility?

A. Early in A.A.’s history, very natural questions arose among theologians. There was a Mr. Henry Link who had written The Return to Religion’ (Macmillan Co., 1937). One day I received a call from him. He stated that he strongly objected to the A.A. position that alcoholism was an illness. This concept, he felt, removed moral responsibility from alcoholics. He had been voicing this complaint about psychiatrists in the American Mercury. And now, he stated, he was about to lambaste A.A. too. Of course, I made haste to point out that we A.A.’s did not use the concept of sickness to absolve our members from moral responsibility. On the contrary, we used the fact of fatal illness to clamp the heaviest kind of moral responsibility on to the sufferer. The further point was made that in his early days of drinking the alcoholic often was no doubt guilty of irresponsibility and gluttony. But once the time of compulsive drinking, veritable lunacy had arrived and he couldn’t very well be held accountable for his conduct. He then had a lunacy which condemned him to drink, in spite of all he could do; he had developed a bodily sensitivity to alcohol that guaranteed his final madness and death. When this state of affairs was pointed out to him, he was placed immediately under the heaviest kind of pressure to accept A.A.’s moral and spiritual Program of regeneration--namely, our 12 Steps. Fortunately, Mr. Link was satisfied with this view of the use that we were making of the alcoholic’s illness. I am glad to report that nearly all theologians who have since thought about this matter have also agreed with that early position. While it is most obvious that free will in the matter of alcohol has virtually disappeared in most cases, we A.A.’s do point out that plenty of free will is left in other areas, it certainly takes a large amount of willingness, and a great exertion of the will to accept and practice the A.A. Program. It is by this very exertion of the will that the alcoholic corresponds with the grace by which his drinking obsession can be expelled.
N.C.C.A. ‘Blue Book

Whitney Houston

Autopsy Reveals Whitney Houston's Body Ravaged - We all knew, or suspected, that Whitney Houston had been under the influence when she died. I had hope for her during the brief time she had gotten sober and appeared on Oprah looking healthy and finally of sound mind. Reading this report broke my heart a little. It's a grim picture of what addiction does to you.

Sources said the temperature could have been as high as 150F (66C) when she got into the tub. Six hours after her death, the water was still 91F and medical sources said she may have been so high she did not notice how hot her bath was. Traces of cocaine, cannabis, anxiety pill Xanax, muscle relaxant Flexeril, allergy medicine Benadryl and painkiller Ibuprofen were found in her body. The 48-year-old was also scarred by decades of cosmetic surgery, alcohol-fueled fights and falls. She had marks on her stomach, chest and upper left thigh believed to be from cosmetic procedures. A scar on her left forearm may also have been self-inflicted. Houston's lifestyle also had weakened her heart so badly that one of her coronary arteries had narrowed by 60 percent.

She talked & sang about Jesus, and I truly hope that she did know Him, and is at peace now.

Faces of Addiction

There is an amazing Flickr album by a photographer named Chris Arnade, featuring addicts and alcoholics. The pictures are beautiful and heartbreaking. Each picture has a description underneath of who the person is and a bit of their story.

Faces of Addiction

One of the stories:
"Chris Bishop was drinking in front of a liquor store when we met. A resident in the local homeless shelter he told me the following.

At the age of thirteen, Chris killed his father, stabbing him with a knife after a childhood of abuse. He spent the next eighteen years in correctional facilities. 'When he was drunk and mad he would hold me out the apartment window and threaten to drop me to the street, eight floors below. He beat me and my mother all the time. I have been drinking ever since. To forget.'

When I asked how he wanted to be described, his eyes teared up and he said "I am human, like everyone else."

There are more than fifty others there, and well worth reading and viewing. 

This & That

Whitney Houston - Everyone's talking about the recent death of Whitney Houston. I can't add much to what's already been said across the web. I'm just so sad to see another person succumb to their addiction. I liked what this writer had to say about celebrities having a harder time staying clean because they don't have to worry about the same things that an Average Joe has to think about.


Alcoholic.org - "Alcoholic.org, a newly re-launched website devoted to providing help and information on alcohol addiction and alcoholic rehab programs, offers easy-to-use support and assistance to people who are concerned about their alcohol use. Visiting the website enables people to determine whether they have a problem, and it also connects them with alcoholism treatment centers."  {Quote from PRweb.com}

You Are Not Alone

"A new video campaign, "You Are Not Alone," aims toinspire and encourage the families of young addicts."

Barbara Eden (I Dream of Jeannie), Everclear frontmanArt Alexakis and skateboarding legend Christian Hosoi are among the famous faces talking about how drug addiction has affected them in a campaign for The Partnership at DrugFree.org, entitled "You Are Not Alone."

There is another video on their Youtube channel of Andrew Zimmern, offering some words of encouragement along with his story.

You can see the rest of the individual videos here: You Are Not Alone  They are so powerful, so moving and I really recommend that you watch them. Even if you think this has nothing to do with you, please watch some of them. It's so important that everyone be educated about addiction. You really never know when someone you care about might need help.

Meetings

So last week I mentioned that I was speaking at my home group's anniversary meeting. Based on questions from my best friend and husband, I thought I would explain some things. There are anniversary meetings, and then there are anniversaries of the meeting. The first is when we celebrate people's sobriety time, usually done once a month. People are acknowledged for how much sober time they have, and given a coin (medallion).

The second is when we celebrate how long that actual meeting has been in existence. My home group has been around for over 30 years, and that's what we were celebrating last week. When we do that, it's a huge crowd, kind of like Homecoming, where people come back who have moved away, everyone brings food for potluck and there are two speakers who sit up front with the meeting chairperson. Family members often come to this as well. Hence my crazy nervousness since I knew it would be a hundred-plus people.

God was sympathetic to me, as my sponsor was chairing the meeting and she gave me the most beautiful introduction. At one point I mouthed to her, 'You're going to make me cry!' I mostly focused on her while I spoke, and she just has such peace about her that I felt much calmer. It was great to have Tom with me, since he has never gone to an AA meeting before. It's much easier to understand me if you go to a meeting with me and see what it's really like. I am always intrigued when I see fictional AA meetings done on tv or in a movie, because they aren't always realistic. There are also many different kinds of meetings too, such as open or closed. My home group is an open meeting, which means anyone can attend. A closed meeting would be only where alcoholics can attend. You may wonder why someone would go if they weren't an alcoholic, but we do get family members who are curious, or medical students or people writing on the topic.

There are Big Book discussion meetings, which is the format of mine. We take turns reading from the Big Book (actually titled Alcoholics Anonymous) and talking about what we read or sharing whatever is on our heart and mind. Other meetings use the Grapevine or As Bill Sees It or some other AA approved literature. Some are Step meetings where they focus on a particular step each time and how it can be lived out. There is a women's meeting I sometimes attend that uses the Joe & Charlie tapes, listening to a portion each week and then sharing on the step or topic.

Any questions, feel free to ask. I'm happy to educate people about this program, because it saved my life!

Keith Richards

Breaking the Silence

Today was PRO-ACT's 11th annual walk to celebrate recovery. The Walk celebrates individuals who have sustained long-term recovery and honors people and organizations who make recovery possible. I LOVE this walk and I'm already thinking about next year's walk and how I can motivate people to get involved and participate. I walked two years ago for the first time. (I had to miss it last year since I was still recovering from sinus surgery.) I walked with Livengrin, the Foundation for Addiction Recovery. My sponsor works at Livengrin and I am planning to start volunteering there sometime soon. (I wanted to wait until TC was in school, and he's now doing three days a week.)

I want so much for the stigma and misunderstandings about recovery to be wiped out. I avoided getting help the first three years of my sobriety because I didn't want 'the stigma'. I barely made it through those white-knuckled years, and I should have gone to rehab and started a program of recovery from the beginning. I let other people's ideas about recovery affect my decision, and that was a mistake. I thank God that I never relapsed, because I was doing everything wrong.

Now that I have some time under my belt, I have thought more and more about how I can help to remove the stigma, so that people will stop being afraid to get help. I didn't have to suffer alone, and I want to share recovery with others.  I was reading on the Faces & Voices of Recovery web site and this line struck me: "By our silence we let others define us."  I don't want to be silent about my success in recovery because my story can help someone else.

There are more than 20 million Americans in long-term recovery. Isn't that amazing? What we have is worth talking about and worth sharing. I recently heard Warren Barfield, a musician, talking about mistakes he had made in his marriage and he said, "I don't tell my story to relive my shame. I tell my story to relive my victory." Amen, brother.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Non-drinker inundated with nosy questions

I found this little letter to Miss Manners and was thinking about my experiences with this. My friends and family know that I'm in recovery, so it's not too often that I'm either offered a drink, or questioned about why I don't drink. But honestly, it really doesn't bother me when either happens. I'm comfortable with who I am and where I am.

I was at a gathering recently and an acquaintance was having a glass of wine. We were chatting, and she suddenly remembered that I'm an alcoholic. She was apologetic, and felt very badly for not having considered my feelings before drinking in front of me.  This is very sweet, but completely unnecessary.
I have come across this kind of thinking before, where people worry about tempting someone by drinking near them. I don't want to to sound snooty, as if I have my life all nailed down, but if all it took for me to go back to the hell of alcoholism was the mere presence of alcohol, I'd be screwed.

Years ago I was at a dinner for Tom's work, and one of the other wives offered 'helpful' advice that maybe I could drink again someday. I guess she thought that some time off would give me back control over alcohol. This is not only misguided, but very dangerous and stupid advice.

Alcoholism is not the only reason that some people choose not to drink. As mentioned in the link, there are other health issues (my husband has one) or family history that lead people to abstain. It's none of anyone's business why someone doesn't drink. I also find it silly when people try to convince me that I could drink again, or just have a little, or whatever other harebrained idea they've got. I know my friends are smarter than this, but if someone out there has ever had that thought, let me relieve you of it now. If your friend or loved one is an alcoholic, their disease already tries to convince them that they could drink successfully again someday. Please don't tell them that they are not an alcoholic. Even if they are wrong, it doesn't hurt them to think it and not drink. I have accepted that I can never drink again and other people need to accept that too, and let it go.

Just a reminder....

The Death of Amy Winehouse

I was incredibly sad to read of the death of Amy Winehouse. She became famous with her 'Rehab' song, and flaunted her refusal to go to rehab herself. She did, in fact, go to rehab four times, but each time checked out after a very short stay. She could clearly not get through Step 1 and it ultimately killed her.

Could Amy Winehouse have been saved? There are always accusations that the family or friends of a famous addict enable them rather than help them, in order to keep their own gravy train moving. If everything in this article is true, then this was not the case with Winehouse's entourage, in fact quite the opposite.

Russell Brand - "We have lost a talented, beautiful woman." I was very impressed with what Brand had to say here. I wish his sobriety had been an example that Winehouse followed. I liked what he had to say about the need for addicts to be treated not as criminals but as sick people who need care. Not that we shouldn't answer for our crimes, but that if the goal is to make someone a productive member of society, then jails & institutions are not the answer.

The 27 Club - I don't think I was ever aware of how many celebrities had died from their addictions at the age of 27. Oddly enough, I got sober just a month before my 27th birthday. Why that age is a turning point for so many of us, I couldn't say. It may be the amount of time that our bodies, minds or family can tolerate our disease. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful every day that I can live a sober life.

Sober Celebrities

With all the negative publicity around celebrities and alcohol/drug addiction, I thought it would be nice to focus on some celebrities who are living proof that recovery is possible.

Ben Affleck - Sober going on ten years (August 2001)

Samuel L Jackson - Clean for 20 years

Paula Poundstone - Sober nearly 10 years.

Robert Downey, Jr. - Clean & sober for 6 years. "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my fingers on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal."

(pic from http://celebs.icanhascheezburger.com)

Rob Lowe - Sober for 21 years

Robin Williams

Russell Brand - Sober since 2003. On pre-sobriety life: "When that's your daily life, it's miserable"

Steve O - Sober 3 years.  (friend and co-star of recently deceased Ryan Dunn, whose blood alcohol was twice the legal limit when he crashed his car)

Happy Founders Day

My First Decade

Today marks the tenth anniversary of my sobriety. It's still a bit surreal to me. My sponsor gave me my coin on Wednesday night. It felt so good to see the pleasure on her face as she handed it to me and hugged me.

The hard work paid off, and by the grace of God I'm a first timer. I make sure I tell people that when I share in meetings, not because I'm so fantastic, but because people who are new need to see that it IS possible to do this without relapsing. After his infamous relapse David Hasselhoff was quoted as saying that relapse was a part of recovery. He's wrong. Relapse isn't a part of recovery, it's a part of the disease. If you do the hard work you will stay sober. No one said it would be easy. But it's better than what you left behind, that's for sure. Sometimes it can seem harder to be sober, because it feels like you have more problems. You don't; it just seems that way because now you have to actually face life and deal with it, rather than medicating yourself and escaping.

There is no other feeling like this on earth. I am thankful. I am blessed.

I do enjoy anything lemony fresh

Challenging a Culture of Alcoholism

I don't want to dig too hard on this guy, because I get that not everyone on the outside looking in is going to understand. But I have to say that I actually snorted out loud at the part about lemon essential oil being a good cure for my alcoholism. Reality Check: Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, and no amount of Pine-Sol or massage therapy is going to change that. I have to change the way that my mind thinks, not the way I smell. He also references a book by Allen Carr titled, The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. I haven't read the book, so I can't give an opinion on it. I will say that anything that tells me that there is an 'easy' way to get sober, lose weight, earn money, etc, I tend to be suspicious of. But if someone has read it and found it helpful, that's great. Maybe it's geared more for people that are just heavy drinkers, rather than hard-core alcoholics.  I do disagree completely with these 'studies' that say that the success rate of AA is 90%. I'd like to know what the success rate of diet & exercise is, if we're going to put it in these terms. If you do what you are supposed to do in either of these, you will succeed. In spite of what Jenny Craig says in their ads, people DO fail and they are responsible for their own results. The 90% failure rate is on the person, not on the program.

The author makes some really excellent points about the current culture of America, and how drinking is the mode of entertainment, rather than something that simply accompanies our activities or entertainment. I went to a small Christian college, in a dry Amish town in rural Pennsylvania. All we did on the weekends was drink. There really wasn't much else to do, but I certainly wasn't looking for any other way to spend my time anyway. Binge drinking, via drinking games like Beer Bowling, Power Hours, Quarters, etc., was the norm. I would have been an alcoholic no matter what, but I can see how the culture affects young people who might otherwise not have a problem.

Those judgmental Christians

I've been thinking lately about how Christians are perceived, and what my part is in that perception. Do I put my money where my mouth is?

I'll be honest and say that I tend to stay out of conversations involving politics & hot-button topics such as abortion or homosexuality. I know what the Bible says about these and I know what I believe, but I really hate debating people. I suck at debating, hence why I like to write. I can revise & edit before putting something out there, whereas my big mouth can get me into trouble.

I was talking to a brother in Christ recently, a man I like and respect but who has completely different political views than I do. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, because he's a Christian. To me that means my time is better spent trying to witness to someone bound for hell, rather than convince him that he's wrong about a specific political point. I know that there are those who are called by God to be involved in politics, but I'm just not one of them. My dad is super passionate about his political views, and I think that's great. It's just not my thing.

I was reading this article: The Key to Changing Judgmental Attitudes in the Church
It was very timely for me, since I was feeling this way already, but wondering if I was just chickening out. There's a verse in Romans that says we should do what we can to live at peace with others (Romans 12:18). I took this to heart a few years ago, and found that it fits nicely with living in recovery. I did what I could to make amends, but also left some people off my list that I knew would only cause me more pain. Step 9 asks us to make amends, but only when to do so would not injure that person or others. I'm part of the 'others'.

The article's closing line was this, "So, again I ask, what is better: to criticize wrong, or not to do the good that we ought to do? Let’s make our lives more characterized by what we stand for, not what are against."

I don't believe that it's a black & white issue; that we can pick our battles when it comes to politics or theological debate. But I know that I have no peace when I'm involved in that stuff, and that I find I am much more effective for Christ if I am focused on being of service to others, and showing them the love of Jesus.

Mike Starr

Mike Starr dead at 44

I watched Mike Starr get sober on Celebrity Rehab. He was hard to watch, very rough and angry and heavily addicted. The story of his heartbreak over the death of his friend and band-mate Layne Staley (Alice in Chains) was just raw.  I just watched this video of him when he was on the show, and talked about his regret over not doing more to save Layne. Near the end, Dr. Drew says to Mike that his life could be saved as a tribute to Layne. That Layne would want him to get clean & sober.  It's an incredibly touching scene, but one that is now all the more tragic, since Mike's addiction won out in the end. Now more than ever, as we watch what addiction does to celebrities, I am grateful for my recovery.

Edited to Add: Loveline: Celebrity Rehab’s Mike Starr Bounces Back  This was just over two weeks ago.

Carlos Estevez is not Winning

So are we collectively sick of Charlie Sheen yet? My word it's like the media forgot that there are 7 billion other people on the planet. I know he's news-worthy to a point, but I'd love it if we could move on and stop giving him attention. I'm pretty sure it's only feeding the monster. I'd love it if the next headline was that he was going to rehab for real.

Found a great list of recovery tools and wanted to share: 90 Tools for Sobriety

#64 - Watch out for the RED FLAGS ... things that give excuses for poor behavior and inevitable relapse.  I could easily get caught up in my pity party about Debby. We left our old church a year before she got sick, so I rarely saw her. She only lived 15 months from the date of her diagnosis, and her decline was sudden at the end. We really thought she would beat this, just like she beat the MRSA last fall. But whether or not my brain can accept what has happened, I need to keep my head on straight. I can't start down that path of excuses and complaining. Relapse doesn't happen suddenly; your choices & behavior lead up to it.

#88 - Handle what you can and leave the rest, don't overtax yourself. You can only accomplish so much in a given 24 hours. I am not going to achieve perfection in motherhood (or anything else) at any point. If I get myself all twisted up about every detail of raising my children and making them into perfect little law-abiding Christians, I am going to make myself crazy and miss out on the fun of their childhood. I have to trust that I'm not carrying this responsibility all on my own.

#10 - Be active - don't just sit around. Idle time will kill you.  This is a hard one for me. I have too much free time. Sure, I'm a busy mom and there are days when my head spins. But there are other days when the kids are all at school and I have idle time. I'm not great at disciplining myself. I make lists but don't always work through them. Not having a boss to direct your time is bittersweet.

My heart is a shade lighter today. The grief isn't any less, but I can feel myself becoming willing to move forward. I had such joy while reading the Word this morning, and felt Him encouraging me. He is so faithful.