Friday, March 7, 2008

Squidging About

I've been involved in a particular ministry for four years that I am currently praying about leaving. I've been squidging about in my mind the last week or two, not sure of what to do, and asking God to show me where I need to be. So please pardon the rampleyness of this blog, as I'm feeling very torn.

When I first became a mom 8ish years ago I had all kinds of grand plans for my mom job. I started a journal for the Princess before she was even conceived, and now have journals for each of my kids, including my heavenly little ones. I have little projects and big projects that I've started over the years but never finished, like quilts and scrapbooks and schtuff. I am an average and boring cook because I don't have time to learn new things. I have wanted to be a writer my whole life, but the book I started years ago still sits barely even begun. I want to go back to school, maybe for writing, maybe for Biblical studies, but can't see that happening until the Barnacle is a bit older and I'm not so insane.

I read my favorite blogs and it's like they are living the life that I was meant to, but somehow got sidetracked from. I'm creative and crafty, or I used to be, but my life does not reflect that. It's like I got sober, got involved in serving others, and somehow left myself out of the picture. I'm a Christian, I'm supposed to serve others, but somehow I have shortchanged myself all along without even realizing I was doing it. I haven't taken care of myself, and I think that my insanity of last week was a clear reflection of that. We went and put money down on a mini-van tonight, because I have to give up my truck (long story). I told the Man that I feel like I'm giving up the last little bit of me that was left. That I'm a woman who drives a truck, who wears jeans and cowboy hats and dirt, and I'm giving in to the soccer mom ponytail lifestyle, and losing yet another part of who I am. I know it's just a vehicle, but it means more than that to me. I don't know who I am anymore. When I was in college one of my professors told me that I was one of the most creative students he had ever encountered. What happened to that girl? I was drinking so much, yet I was so creative.... and now years later I'm sober, and my creativity has wilted. I used to read books all the time, but I never do anymore. There are so many books that I want to read. I want to be a writer, but I never make time to write anymore. I have lost myself in serving others. I don't know how to change this, but I can't keep going this way. I remember watching Wynonna Judd on Oprah once, and she said that as Christians we are so focused on DOING, and we don't know how to just BE.

I just feel torn, just so twisted up about what to do and who I am and what He wants of me. I don't know how to fix this. I keep praying and I just feel like I want to crawl inside myself and not come out. It's hard to let go of something that you felt called to do.

I know in the short-term what I need to do: Pray and pray more until He shows me what He needs me to see. The long-term remains to be seen I suppose.

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