Step Work

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I've been slowly working my way through the list of people that I need to make amends to. I admit I have been dragging my feet on some people. I mean really, overall, I've been sober for nearly 7 years, so I'm way overdue to be DONE with this already, but I also know that God has timed things specifically for certain reasons. I have been extremely blessed this past week, as I was able to make amends to three men that I went to college with. The first one found and contacted me on Facebook and I was thrilled. I wrote back to him, and felt a bit braver about making amends since he obviously didn't hate me or he wouldn't have contacted me. From there I found two others on his friend list that I then wrote to as well. Of the three of them, the first two were incredibly gracious and fully offered acceptance of my words, while also saying that they weren't even needed. And the third.... the third overwhelmed me by not only accepting my amend, but by telling me of his own recovery from alcoholism.

I have been so blessed as I have made amends, as one by one people have accepted me and loved me and encouraged me in my journey. But I also know that I have not had to make the hardest amends yet. I have done the easy ones so far and I am not naive enough to think that I won't get rejected at some point in this process. And I'm afraid. I know that I have to do this. I must. I cannot skip out on my step work. If I want to stay sober, I have to do this. I pray that God will give me strength to do it, to face people that may not accept my apologies. I know that He will be with me, and that even if the worst happens, I will make it through with His help. I keep singing the Casting Crowns song in my head, East to West... It reminds me of where I have come from, the depths that I sank to in my alcoholism, the woman that I allowed myself to become. I don't ever want to end up again where He found me.

East To West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other