Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Old Me Vs. New Me

Hmm... a week since my last blog. Proof that I have a life outside of my laptop! Or, that I just have nothing interesting to say. Harumph.

I've been trying to get back in gear with Step 9. I've been talking to my sponsor a lot in the last day or two about a specific one that I am struggling with. It's to a person from my past that I had strong feelings about, and I am quite honestly afraid to contact them. I know that I have to do this, but making yourself vulnerable in this way to someone you have not seen in about 13 years is overwhelming. Thinking back to who you used to be, and really digging into what you did to harm other people is prickly business. I have to be fair, but to do so requires that Rigorous Honesty that follows me around wherever I go, pesky thing.

I got out my old diaries and letters from that time period, and found memories I had conveniently let go of. I don't recognize myself in a lot of my writing. I am so foreign to myself now. Sadly much of that comes from the fact that I was a wretched liar in those days, and would stretch things to accomodate my own purposes. I made up a lot of things in order to get the sympathy or attention that I desperately craved. It's not a pretty picture to think about, and I certainly can't say I'm enjoying the process.

I was in therapy once years ago and the doctor asked me to do an exercise where I sat in a chair and spoke with the old 'me' from college. I fell apart trying to have that 'conversation'. I knew that the Old Me would hate the New Me, and quite frankly, the New Me sure wasn't really fond of the Old Me either. It was very painful, and I don't know that it accomplished much in the end. I was able to look at my previous life, and the choices I made, and see how utterly sick and dysfunctional I was. But I was unable to really 'talk' to the Old Me, because I knew that Old Me would have told New Me to go pound sand.

I know that this journey is not always supposed to be easy. I am thankful that God comes with me on it though. If I could just learn to stop treating him like my co-pilot, and just let Him take over, things would go a lot more smoothly for me.

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