Thursday, June 19, 2008

Losing Lily: Part III

It took a long time to wake up. The Man told me later that it was about two hours. I would start to wake up, but my eyes were so heavy, I just couldn't. I felt heavy and emotionless. I finally was able to force myself to keep my eyes open. I could see my husband and friend standing over me, in the distance. I realized that she must have come back from the hotel. It's very blurry, but eventually I know that my husband told me what I was waiting to hear.

Our baby was gone.

She had been growing in my fallopian tube. The tube had ruptured, and I had been bleeding internally. They told my husband that if we hadn't gone to the ER, that I would have collapsed by the time we got to the wedding, and that they wouldn't have known what was wrong with me. I would have continued to bleed internally until I died. They removed the baby and my entire tube.

I didn't cry. I guess that I just couldn't. I had literally cried all day, through it all, and now it was suddenly over. I had to get up, to get moving. I wanted to just lay there in the bed. I didn't want to move. They told me that if I didn't get up, that it would make me feel worse later. What could be worse than this? I wondered. The recovery nurse was mean, which she told me was her job. She said she had to make me get up and get moving, to get the gas out. No one had ever told me about the gas pain. When they do the surgery, they expand the belly with gas, so they can see everything. As they work, the gas is absorbed by the blood. The pain from this is unbearable. It was the worst up in my shoulders. She and the Man took me to the bathroom, but all I could do was moan and complain about the pain. They took me back to the bed I had been in. I tried to get up and get moving like I was told, but it was so hard. Evil Nurse told me that my insurance wouldn't pay for me to stay the night, so I had to get up. I eventually was able to move enough to be checked out, and we were able to get to the car. I was in a daze, feeling shoved out the door and unable to process anything beyond putting one foot in front of the other, with my husband holding my arm.

I managed to sit in the seat, with it put back a little, for the ride back to the hotel. We stopped at a drugstore to get my prescription for Percocet, and for Mylanta Gas to try to help with that pain. (Didn't help.) We got back to the hotel, and they had a wheelchair waiting for us. The ride up to the room was horrible, I felt so nauseous. We got to the room and the Man wheeled me inside. I immediately threw up. I threw up several more times before the night was through. They got me into bed.

My girlfriend left to go back to the hospital to pick up my husband's family. They had taken a taxi over there after the wedding, and none of us had known when I would be checked out, so they missed us.

They eventually made it back to the hotel. I was pretty hazy by then, since I had taken some painkiller. My sister-in-law came in, still in her wedding dress. She looked beautiful. My daughter was happy to see me, and I was so happy to see her. I held her as best as I could, so glad to be able to hold my child in my arms, stroke her hair. I knew I was happy to have her with me, but I felt nothing beyond that. There was no emotion. I felt vacant.

We spent the next day in the hotel room. The family took the Princess with them and went to see the sea life over at the Mandalay Bay. I don't remember much about the day. I tried to sleep some, but I don't know how well I did. We had to check out by 11am, but our flight wasn't until late that night. The Man called the front desk, and they agreed to let us stay in the room until 5pm. At that point, we had to move to my sister-in-law's room. She and her new husband were staying an extra day, so they still had their room. We were able to stay in their room until we had to leave for the airport.

I tried to eat, but didn't do too well. They had told my husband to give me soup or broth, but he couldn't find any. He got McDonald's for our daughter, and got me some too. I was able to keep down about half of a burger.

We eventually had to leave to go to the airport. Somehow we survived this trip. We got on the plane, and I took painkillers just before takeoff, so I would sleep. Our toddler was well-behaved, and we both slept most of the flight. We got to the Philadelphia Airport in the early morning hours. The airline had a wheelchair waiting for us, but it only took us to baggage claim. I had to sit and wait forever while my husband tried to find someone who could help us. Someone finally came with a chair, and took us outside to the shuttle. I was able to climb onto the shuttle, which would only take us to designated drop-off spots. The Man unloaded us, and I sat on a suitcase while he hiked to get the van. He was gone for a very long time, and I started to worry. The Princess was patient, thankfully. He finally arrived, and we packed up into the van. He said that he had taken a long time because the car wouldn't start, and he'd had to get a jump. I had left a light on in the van before we left, trying to amuse the Princess on the drive to the airport.

We got onto 95, and drove home. I told the Man that I never thought that I would be so happy to see that dirty old city. Even Philadelphia looked good at that point. We got to our house at 9am. We were finally home.

Part IV

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