Friday, June 6, 2008

Homesick for Hell

When I was at my meeting last week I was chatting with a friend afterwards about how we can sometimes have this inexplicable yearning for our previous lives. That the chaos and insanity somehow can still appeal to our now sober minds. I cannot explain save to say that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful, and that ridiculous feelings like that are WHY we need to go to meetings, be in the fellowship, do our step work, and so forth. My friend said she once heard it described as being 'homesick for hell'. I'm sure that none of my 'normie' friends out there will have a clue what I'm talking about, and that's ok. It's part of the mystery of us alcoholics, something quirky and sad that we need to admit to, so it doesn't become bigger than we can handle. I'm sure everyone can relate to having crazy thoughts sometimes!


I did fairly well with talking at the meeting when I got my coin. My sponsor was proud of me, and I felt really good about it. Sometimes I share and I can tell it's just coming out wrong or I end up going off in some crazy direction that makes no sense. But I held it together and didn't bawl and actually made sense. A friend gave me an additional coin with the Serenity Prayer on it, which was so sweet of him and very special to me. It looks almost exactly like this one.

3 comments:

Cherrymomma said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean. But for me it's not alcohol...it's witchraft. It tries to pull me back in every once in a while. I never let it, of course. But there has been many a time when I almost long for it. Even though I now know what it really is. And if I really think about it, I'll remember how miserable I was when I was in it. The devil likes to remind us of the good times and feelings that we had when we were in sin. There's still that tiny little hook in us and if we're not careful and keeping our eyes on Jesus, Satan will use that tiny little hook to reel us back into hell. So we have to keep our eyes on Jesus at all times. We're really very weak creatures without Him.

Lizzie said...

you totally just put my thoughts to words when you typed that first paragraph!!! That life seems so fun and lively... I tend to forget about all of the horrible, shameful choices I made when I was having "fun"

Laurie said...

"Normie" friends huh??? I like this one...