Step Work

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I've been slowly working my way through the list of people that I need to make amends to. I admit I have been dragging my feet on some people. I mean really, overall, I've been sober for nearly 7 years, so I'm way overdue to be DONE with this already, but I also know that God has timed things specifically for certain reasons. I have been extremely blessed this past week, as I was able to make amends to three men that I went to college with. The first one found and contacted me on Facebook and I was thrilled. I wrote back to him, and felt a bit braver about making amends since he obviously didn't hate me or he wouldn't have contacted me. From there I found two others on his friend list that I then wrote to as well. Of the three of them, the first two were incredibly gracious and fully offered acceptance of my words, while also saying that they weren't even needed. And the third.... the third overwhelmed me by not only accepting my amend, but by telling me of his own recovery from alcoholism.

I have been so blessed as I have made amends, as one by one people have accepted me and loved me and encouraged me in my journey. But I also know that I have not had to make the hardest amends yet. I have done the easy ones so far and I am not naive enough to think that I won't get rejected at some point in this process. And I'm afraid. I know that I have to do this. I must. I cannot skip out on my step work. If I want to stay sober, I have to do this. I pray that God will give me strength to do it, to face people that may not accept my apologies. I know that He will be with me, and that even if the worst happens, I will make it through with His help. I keep singing the Casting Crowns song in my head, East to West... It reminds me of where I have come from, the depths that I sank to in my alcoholism, the woman that I allowed myself to become. I don't ever want to end up again where He found me.

East To West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

My cup runneth over

I am on fire for Jesus! It's been so amazing, since 2008 began I have just felt so motivated to get closer to God, to read His Word, to pray, and hopefully to witness when I have the chance! After all these years Tom and I are praying together! Not every night, but on a regular basis and as needed when things come up. We have the Night Light devotional book for couples and we've been doing that sporatically as well. And, drum roll please... we've started doing family devotions! I had bought a book of them ages ago and I asked the Princess if she'd like to start doing them. She not only wanted to do them, but she got out the Bible and looked up the verses and read them to us. We did it as a family Saturday night and then just she and I this afternoon. I'm incredibly pleased about doing this as a family, and I know that the Man and I praying together will bless our already good marriage. I feel so blessed, so abundantly blessed to have my perfect and precious little family. I can imagine God smiling down on us as we sat together, reading His Word and talking and praying together. I prayed first, then the Princess, and then the Boy and the Man closed. The Boy prayed about getting batteries in his Hess truck and my heart was just full with joy at his innocent little chatter.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service

Tomorrow we're holding our 7th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service at church. I started this service in 2001 after my ectopic loss. I cannot even begin to describe what an amazing gift this service has been to me and how blessed I feel to be a part of it. God definitely gave me beauty for ashes, and the oil of joy for mourning (Isaiah 61). As much as the preparation can stress me out, I know that He is going to do amazing things tomorrow and touch a lot of hurting hearts.

Each service is very simple, but very powerful. Someone with a testimony of how God moved in their life and brought them healing after loss will share their story. We read scriptures such as Matthew 5:4, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.' The Signing Choir is performing a Steven Curtis Chapman song titled 'With Hope', about the hope that only He gives us, in knowing that we will see our lost children again someday.

For those who have lost children to miscarriage or stillbirth, I pray that you would find comfort in Him. For anyone out there who reads this, who has an abortion in their past, please know this -- God longs to reach out to you and comfort you, and forgive you. You don't have to live with the pain and the shame any more.

With Hope
This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for youwe had so many dreams
And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the painthe pain of losing you
We can cry with hopewe can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope
because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
Never have I known anything so hard to understand
Never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free
We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
We have this hope like as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true
So we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place
By God's grace
There's a place where we'll see your face again
~Steven Curtis Chapman, from his 1999 album 'Speechless'

I choose....

God has been speaking to me a lot lately about being a fearless witness for Him. I am feeling more and more courage to talk about Jesus, to post more Jesus 'stuff' on my MySpace page, to just be a light for Him wherever I go. I'm really enjoying the study on Abraham that my Thursday group is doing, and I'm hopeful that my folks will start a Bible study group on Sunday nights. I love my church, but it doesn't feed me or the Man. If they do start it, the Man has already said he will go and I have high hopes for it. Something has to give, because we can't keep giving to a church that doesn't give back. I like the things my kids are doing there, but that can't be enough, not when their parents are stagnating.

I've been emotionally out of sorts since the Barnacle's surgery. I thought I would feel so relieved afterwards, but instead I still couldn't sleep..... I felt haunted for days, imagining the surgeon coming out to tell me that something had gone wrong and my son was dead. I replayed it again and again in my mind, haunting haunting haunting. I let myself stew in it, dwelling on that mother's fear. I forgot.... I forgot that my God is bigger, my God is stronger, and my God is NOT the author of fear. My God is NOT the author of confusion. He is my hope, He is my strength. I know that it is not His will that I be haunted by this, and I am choosing to not be. When it returns to my mind, I send it away, reminding myself of all of the good that God has done in my life, all of the times that He has protected my kids. The Princess could have died when she got into my grandmother's pills. The Boy could have been strangled in his umbilical cord and been stillborn. The Barnacle could have never even existed because of my damaged reproductive system. But my children are healthy and strong and my God is reliable. I choose faith over fear. I choose peace over haunting.

Girl Day

Yesterday was simply divine. My 8 year old daughter and I had a Girl Day. We do this every once in a while - maybe twice a year? We should do it more often but time gets in the way somehow. Anyhow, we went to see Enchanted. I stopped at the store first so we could load our pockets with contraband snacks and drinks. We picked perfect seats, right in the middle, and the movie was awesome! We both laughed a ton, it was really a funny and sweet film. Afterwards, we went to the mall to make some returns and look for a new backpack for her. An hour later our feet were tired and still no backpack. We went to WalMart and found what we wanted immediately. Why do we not learn to always check there first??

It was a perfect Girl Day. The Boy was jealous and fussed when we left yesterday. So he and the Man are having Boy Day later today. They're going to see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie and do whatever else it is that boys do. Boys don't shop really, but maybe they could go to Pep Boys or the RC store and beat their chests or something.

It's really quite simple

I'm out of my pot and feeling better. Had a good talk with my friend and we seem to have soothed the issues we were having. I think things will always be changed, but that's ok, as we both are a work in progress. I guess that's the crux of it, always trying to be more Christ-like, spending our whole lives in the refining and sanctification process, means that sometimes our growth is painful. We can't stay the person we have been, and sometimes He must break us in order to change us.

Today's a cleaning and laundry day. Trying to get the house in some sense of sanity, as I cannot think straight in chaos. I love having the kids home for the Christmas break, but it does mean more mess than ever. The decorations stay up for another week though, until after Epiphany, so at least I don't need to worry about that today.

Yesterday the Princess was explaining to me how to do something on the WebKinz site. She began and ended the tale with, "It's really quite simple." I'm not sure where she picked up that expression but I found it both amusing and ageist at the same time, as I felt like a doddering old person being told how to press the elevator button.

Stew

I'm in my stew pot today. Not a big pot, just a medium one, but still. I hate feeling like I don't have a friendship that I thought I had with someone. Like we're friends, but my perspective of the relationship is different than the other person's. I have expectations of how I will be treated, and they weren't met today. I know it's not the end of the world, there are bigger things to worry about in the world. Just doesn't feel great, and I don't like it. I hate when you suddenly get a new view of who someone is, and realize that things won't be the same anymore. You can't go back to not knowing this facet of someone else, realizing that they wouldn't have treated you the way that they did, if they thought more highly of you. Stew stew stew....

Rusty

I think my whole thing with wanting this blog is just that I want to write, I need to write, and I am so rusty it's pathetic. I always wanted to be a writer, and I know the Lord has given me some talent in this area. I just have allowed myself to hear the negative voice instead of the positive one, that tells me I am not good enough, I am not able, I will never be published... If I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I really do believe that, then why do I make excuses for this? Why do I still assume that when my kids are all in school, that I'll go back to doing data entry for 11 bucks an hour, instead of writing? Why is it that when I think about going back to get my degree, I consider Biblical studies instead of writing? I really do feel passionately about Biblical study, and I do want to learn so much more of the Bible, but I know it's also a way to avoid writing, which is what I really want to do.

So for now I'll use the bloggity for whatever writing pops into my head, and have no excuses. No worries about what anyone will think when they read it, because for now no one will except for me and God. I'm sure I'll share it at some point, but at least for now I'm getting the ball rolling....

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Well, it isn't your birthday really, but since we don't have an exact date, 12/25 will do nicely. Today was a long and beautiful day, and I'm not sure why I'm still awake, other than trying to think of something bloggy. Lots of splenda gifts were exchanged today, including a coffee grinder to me from the hubs, bless him. I really want to try it out, and am refraining from grinding the only beans I have, which are pinto and would make terrible coffee. *note to self*- coffee bean shopping trip tomorrow!

My folks gave me an old copy of Little Women, a book I've been thinking would be nice for the Princess and I to read together. They also gave us a deep fryer. We'll be taking it out for it's maiden voyage for Little Christmas next month, when we make the whiting.

A beautiful day, all in all. Celebrating the birth of our Savior becomes more meaningful to me every year. I could barely contain my tears of joy at the 11pm service last night. The glowing candles, the thick greenery, the choir in their satiny robes, all of us singing of our joy for Him. How blessed we are.

The very first blog

Well here it be. I have wanted a blog for a while now, but kept thinking that I didn't need one. And I don't really, as I have a family web site where I gabble on about all of our comings and goings, and I have MySpace to keep in touch with friends and use adolescent sparkly graphics. So I really don't need a blog, another thing to keep up with and fuss over. Maybe it's an early Christmas present to myself. Maybe it's where I can *really* let my hair down. Maybe I just don't need a reason?? Maybe I'm too lazy to find my journal file on my old computer?

It's Christmas Eve. The kids and I are all still in our jammies. We put together and decorated the gingerbread house today. The Man did most of the work with them, and then I helped use up the last of the bag of toothpastey icing. Got lots of icing on our hands and into our mouths, mmm. The tree looks festive, with most of the ornaments hanging the requisite 30 inches from the ground, to protect them from the Barnacle's little hands. The cat keeps drinking the water out of the pot thinger and the Man and the kids take turns swatting him. I gave up; like I really need someone else to yell at about something fruitless, as we all know he can just climb under there and suck it all up while we sleep. Much like he comes and lays his bum on my countertops when I'm not there to throw things at him. It's a futile fight to disagree with a kitty.
We'll go to church at 7pm tonight, and the kids will sing - well, the Princess will sing anyway, the Boy isn't interested in the stage, whether for lack of interest or courage we don't know. It's always noisy at that 'family' service since there's no nursery coverage and the toddlers don't know what to do with themselves. The paparazzi (read: mothers with video cameras) will do their best to sit on the aisle near the front to get barely lit footage of their child. I love our church videos, even if they are so hard to see. :)
Welp, off to run bath water and get us moving. More later.

*note* all the entries before this date were transferred from elsewhere.