Friday, January 25, 2008

I choose....

God has been speaking to me a lot lately about being a fearless witness for Him. I am feeling more and more courage to talk about Jesus, to post more Jesus 'stuff' on my MySpace page, to just be a light for Him wherever I go. I'm really enjoying the study on Abraham that my Thursday group is doing, and I'm hopeful that my folks will start a Bible study group on Sunday nights. I love my church, but it doesn't feed me or the Man. If they do start it, the Man has already said he will go and I have high hopes for it. Something has to give, because we can't keep giving to a church that doesn't give back. I like the things my kids are doing there, but that can't be enough, not when their parents are stagnating.

I've been emotionally out of sorts since the Barnacle's surgery. I thought I would feel so relieved afterwards, but instead I still couldn't sleep..... I felt haunted for days, imagining the surgeon coming out to tell me that something had gone wrong and my son was dead. I replayed it again and again in my mind, haunting haunting haunting. I let myself stew in it, dwelling on that mother's fear. I forgot.... I forgot that my God is bigger, my God is stronger, and my God is NOT the author of fear. My God is NOT the author of confusion. He is my hope, He is my strength. I know that it is not His will that I be haunted by this, and I am choosing to not be. When it returns to my mind, I send it away, reminding myself of all of the good that God has done in my life, all of the times that He has protected my kids. The Princess could have died when she got into my grandmother's pills. The Boy could have been strangled in his umbilical cord and been stillborn. The Barnacle could have never even existed because of my damaged reproductive system. But my children are healthy and strong and my God is reliable. I choose faith over fear. I choose peace over haunting.

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