So apparently I am having some sort of berserk hormonal crisis? As I said a few days ago, I recently weaned my youngest child. I didn't go through any kind of crazy changes with my previous baby, so I'm not sure what the deal is this time around. But I've been super weepy and ridiculous. It's not endearing. It's also an easy road from there to STEW. My ability to stew is legendary in our house, as I pile on the issues and insist on being upset about every single thing in the universe that bothers me at one time. But after 36 hours of this I finally got smart and asked for help. I talked to the Man, who consoled me. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to my sponsor since she would be at work, so I wrote her a long blathery email instead to at least let her know what was going on with me. I have a long history of not asking for help, and assuming that no one would want to help me, or that I 'need' to do things on my own. So I have to force myself to do these things.
In the meantime, I thought about everything I have in my 'kit'. Alcoholics have a kit, you get it in your welcome packet at orientation. Ok, so that's a lie, but that doesn't make it less effective.
(I know, I'm wondering why they used a Disney font for this graphic too. How odd.)
What we have are things that we can do to get through life's curve balls. The number one thing that will help an alcoholic get through a hard day or a craving is to go help another alcoholic. That's why service is so key to our recovery. I didn't have anyone I could go help today however, so I thought about the list of people I still have to make amends to. I've been dragging my feet about making amends, mostly because I know many of the ones I have left to do will be painful. I knew that I needed to just go for it though, so I wrote an email to an old friend, asking her to call me.
I wrote out a list of things I needed to apologize for, times that I was a horrible friend, things I said and did. By the time she called my stomach was in a knot, but I was ready with my list. We talked for a while, catching up, before I got up my courage to tell her why I had wanted to talk to her. I started talking and just went on and on, afraid of stopping for fear of losing my gumption. She very gently stopped me at some point though, and said that it was ok; that she knew I needed to do this for my recovery but that she did not need an apology. I'm getting all vaclempt thinking about it now. We had a really good conversation. We have both missed our friendship and I'm having her over for dinner very soon. I feel really blessed to have this chance to start fresh. And I am thankful for a program of recovery that gives me a clear way to straighten out my own head, by making amends for who I used to be, and always working to become a better person.
On another note, tomorrow the Man and I are going to say our goodbyes to a dear man who is dying of cancer. He's a lovely gentleman that we go to church with, and it's so heartbreaking to let him go. So maybe my tears this week aren't all about my hormones, or my youngest child leaving babyhood. First Thessalonians 4:13 tells us not to be sorrowful like those who have no hope, for we know where we are going. I am very grieved, but I know that he will soon be free from pain and suffering, and amongst my own sorrow, I can be truly happy for him.