I've been watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew recently. There is controversy about this show, and in general the sober community is not exactly on board with how rehab is presented on it. For me, I like to watch any show about recovery because I can learn from it, and discard what I don't agree with. I have to be careful though, because I know that I get jealous of people who went to rehab. That may sound sick, who would want rehab?? But it's true, I do wish I had gone to rehab. I wish that I had realized on May 28th, 2001 that I did not have to do it alone. I wish that I had reached out for help, and gone and taken the time for myself to get into recovery. I have over seven years of sobriety, and although I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others on this journey, I do not believe that I am where I should be. I hid myself away for three years, white-knuckling my way through any situation that made me want to drink. That's no way to live. I'm very thankful that a friend invited me to go with her to a meeting. It opened up a whole new world for me, of freedom in recovery, rather than enprisonment.
On this one particular episode of Celebrity Rehab, the doctor was doing intake interviews with patients. One of the women was talking about her drinking habits, and that she was a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. This was a light-bulb moment for me. I had never made that distinction between two types of drinkers. I could completely identify with her statement. Dr. Drew pointed out to her that it's harder for binge drinkers in some ways because they are capable of staying sober for periods of time, and it lulls them into a false sense of security about their ability to control their drinking. THAT is definitely me, and this was a very surprising thing to realize about myself. I was never a daily drinker, and I always thought it was because it was early in my disease, or because my self-control was just that good. I never drank before work, and I hadn't had an early morning drink since college. I didn't have a drink with dinner every night. I thought that somehow that meant I still had control on some level. But a binge drinker? That was me without question. Once I started, I could not stop. One more, and one more, and just one more. One was too many and a thousand wasn't enough.
I'm thankful for this realization. One more layer of the onion, as they say.