Changing How We 'Do' Christmas

We are changing how my family does Christmas this year: We had already made the decision to limit the kids to 3 special gifts each, in memory of the 3 gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus, and also to teach them about gratitude for what they have. A friend posted this video on Facebook and I'm reposting it because it really drives home the message that, now more than ever, we should be caring for our fellow man, the way that Jesus did.

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's Day and I've been thinking about my grandfather Raymond all morning. I never knew him, as he died when my mother was only 14. He was one of many men in my mother's family tree that served in the military. I thought it would be nice to honor the vets from her family today. I regret that I don't have any pictures from my father's side, as many of his uncles and his father also served. When we moved my grandmother into a facility last year, I took my laptop and was able to scan a lot of her pictures in that transition. Any military pictures from my dad's family would be in his posession, and I'll have to make sure I ask to borrow them so I can honor them in the future.

This is my great-great-grandfather, John Conrad. He served in the Civil War and was wounded.

My grandparents in 1942. My grandfather served in the Army.

My mother says that sometime during my grandfather's military service, he was one of the only survivors when his ship went down. He floated with debris for several days before being rescued. I wish we had more information, but this was something my grandfather did not like to talk about. I'm hoping to do some research and find out the name of the ship.

My Great Uncle Keith, 1942, home on leave.

My Great Uncle Ord, near Germany, 1942

My Uncle Noel, served in the Army.

My grandfather, top right, in Hawaii, 1938

Sitting on top of an anti-aircraft, 1938, Hawaii









Thank you to all of our veterans. There are many more in my family, including cousins who have served and are serving now. I'm extremely humbled by their service, and honored to call them family.

*note* I apologize for the spacing being off. I edited the post about fifty times and blogger refuses to cooperate.

New Fangled Toys

I find myself in an interesting paradox lately. I am a fan of technology (the blog being a good case in point) and I am not generally afraid of new things or trying to learn them. But these days I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, and honestly, quite pretentious.

It started with the new van that closes the doors for me. While I truly enjoy being able to push a button and watch the door close on it's own whilst I hoist a small person and a purse and a bag of groceries, there is still just something ridiculous about it that unnerves me. Who do I think I am really, that I need doors to be shut for me? What kind of person is this lazy or uncoordinated?

The Man bought a Bluetooth for his phone a while back. He works in a state that does not allow you to talk on the phone while driving, so it's either use a headset or pull over. Unfortunately, he soon found that he couldn't hear very well on it. He said I could have it, and set it up for me. (I can hear on it just fine, because I have my mother's supersonic hearing. Remind me to tell that story later.)

So I went out to run some errands the other day, and took the new toy with me. I put it in my ear and immediately felt important, because clearly unimportant people would not need to have something this dandy. The Man said I looked like the Borg. I went about town, doing my errands, and wondered who I could call to try it out. This was when I realized that the new toy fell into my pretentious category. I only talk to probably four people on my cell phone, and one of them had just reminded me that resistance is futile. (If you aren't a Trekkie that was totally not funny, I know.) I finally decided to call my best friend to ask her a question about some plans for the weekend. That's it. Haven't used it since. I just do not lead a life that requires me to be that plugged in to other people 24 hours a day. And while I joke about it, at the same time I do find it very sad that people use this kind of technology to 'communicate', and miss the reality that they close themselves off to the real live people in front of them. I see it everywhere: a man and wife having dinner out, and the man has his ear plugged in to some other person.... a mom picking her kid up from school, also plugged in to some other person who isn't in front of her. And I wonder, how does that wife feel? How does that child feel? To be the person who is so uninteresting to you, that you can't even be bothered to talk to them while you share a meal? That you can't hang up and greet your child that you haven't seen all day? Unplug people, seriously! What the heck do you have to talk about that is more important than the person you are with?

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

"Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The 'Wave of Light' that marks the day is an international affair, something everyone can be part of. At 7pm local time, across every time zone, all are invited to join in lighting a candle in remembrance and honour of little ones loved and missed.
A wave of light around the world may only go a small way to brightening the darkness and silence of babyloss...both as an individual experience and as a taboo subject. But it is a beginning. May the light illuminate and honour, and if it is bright enough, foster discussion, research and prevention, empathy, and support for those who grieve." (Quote from the Loss Directory)

When we held the first Remembrance Service at my church, we did it on October 15th. (The service was later moved to January, to coordinate with Sanctity of Human Life Sunday.) This date is very special to me, and to so many others who have faced the heartache of child loss.

A very dear friend of mine had a miscarriage this week. My heart is heavy for her, wishing I could do something for her but knowing all too well that I cannot spare her this pain. She needs to go through this alone with God, and my job is to pray her through. When I went through my miscarriage some people respected my grief and acknowledged it, but left me alone about it too. I appreciated that, because the last thing I needed was platitudes about where my baby was or what God's plan was. Losing Lily didn't make me question my faith. I just needed to be allowed to grieve for her, and I didn't need to know the reasons why. I wrote this poem at that time:

Please
Please don't tell me that it will be fine.
It won't, it will always be different.
Please don't tell me that I will get over it.
I never will. I won't even try.
Please don't tell me when it's okay for me to get pregnant again, or how long I should wait.
That's between us and God.
Please don't try to mother me.
I already have my own mother.
Please don't hide pictures of other babies from me.
I couldn't hide from this if I tried.
I don't need to be handled with care.
I am not fragile.
I don't need to be discussed in quiet voices.
I am not your sad secret.
I don't need anyone to tell me anything reassuring.
Nothing you can say will change anything.
All I need is for you to smile, and listen, and comfort me in silence.
God gives me strength, and I will survive.
Please just be my friend.

Shay ©2001

For those of you who are grieving recent losses, I pray that God would comfort you and give you the peace He has given me.

Ramblings

Hello loves, it's been a while. My life is crazy-mom-busy these days and with the Man still gone 75ish hours a week, I'm holding down the fort alone. I'm looking forward to the end of the soccer season soon, as three trips a week for that has become my undoing.

I added a new thing to the blog, if you notice on the top right. It's a clock with dancing and music. It makes me pretty happy, but you can mute it if it annoys you. It's in military time, so after noon you have to subtract 12 to know the time.

Piano lessons are still fantastic and I got glitter stickers on my completed pages today. Yeah yeah, I know it's silly, but really, I spend my life with small people, and sticker motivation has it's merits, even for the 34 year old in the house.

I signed up for Word of the Day emails from Dictionary.com and I feel smarter already. Today's word was sobriquet, which has nothing to do with being sober, oddly enough. My favorite new word so far though, is donnybrook, which I'm sure I will find oodles of ways to use around this circus.

Heroes has started a new season, and I'm finding it harder and harder to watch home alone at night without the Man. I may need to start watching it with him in the daylight, because I have Sylar and Mohinder heebie-jeebies and our cat does little to make me feel safe. He did however, reassure me of his undying love at midnight, 5:30 and 7 o'clock this morning as he lay at my bedroom door yowling. It was not euphonious.

Minimum Wage = Minimum Results

So the Princess and I are starting piano lessons. I'm pretty stoked about this. I took a year of piano as a teenager so I could get my ears pierced a year early but haven't touched one since. I always hoped to get back to it, and here we are!

Two weeks ago I took the Boy's godfather with me up to Guitar Center to get his opinion on digital pianos. He's a musician, and we really trust his perspective. We finally decided on the Yamaha YPG635. They had sold the two they had in stock that week, so they told me they could order it to be shipped to my house at no extra charge. The sales guy said it would be 4-5 days. This seemed like a good idea at the time, so I signed my life away and that was that.

After patiently waiting for a week I called and very politely asked where the wayward keyboard might be. I was transferred from one stoner dude to another who said he would find out the tracking number ASAP and would call me back in 'like, 45 minutes, k?'. I waited, forlorn, by the phone. Ok, I didn't, but my phone never rang. The next day I call them back and get connected to my same guy, who is 'totally sorry that he forgot to call' me back. He misses the part where I am reaching through the phone to strangle the Pearl Jam out of him. He says he will get the tracking number for me and puts me on hold. Five minutes later (which, as you know, is an eternity to wait on hold listening to Marilyn Manson) he comes back breathless to ask if I would mind waiting a while as he tries to find it. I acquiesce and go back to listening to thee worst version of Sweet Dreams Are Made of This ever. I take the phone with me while I move laundry to the dryer, correct math homework and remove the cat from the pantry.

My BFF finally returns and he does not have good news. Apparently the guys at the other store dropped the ball, and it's totally not his fault but they didn't ship it yet and he sent them the confirmation twice and they lost it and he is really frustrated with those guys and it's shipping out today and he's sorry and it will probably not arrive until this Friday. I asked about my parting gifts but only received a bright shiny apology and that was it. I'm not feelin' the love.

The next day, as I wrote out the list of things I would need to plot the demise of the ball dropping other guys, my knight in shining brown armor arrived with the blessed piano. My UPS guy never lets me down and even got it into the house for me. The Man assembled it later and the sounds of the children fighting over it now fill my happy home.

New Books

I love new books. The smell, the feel of crisp pages, the dream of reading an entire page without being interrupted. It's all lovely. I recently ordered some new books for my recovery journey. I have started reading them and hope to actually finish them soon. I say 'hope' of course, because there is just something about a phone or a book in a mother's hand that attracts small children like moths to a flame.

As Bill Sees It - "Selected writings from the cofounder of A.A. touch nearly every aspect of A.A.'s way of life. An aid to individual meditation and a stimulant to group discussion, As Bill Sees It contains 332 short writings with topics indexed for quick access." I really love how they have collected helpful & powerful things that Bill Wilson said not only in his books, but in his personal letters as well. This man was no doubt divinely inspired.

12 Step Sponsorship: How It Works - "Passing it on is a key concept in the Twelve Step community and many of the traditions and knowledge of the Twelve Step recovery program have been passed down by word-of-mouth from one generation of sponsors to the next. Twelve Step Sponsorship effectively takes this knowledge and tradition and applies it to a working manual for sponsors, guiding them through their role in reaching out and helping new program members."
I have never had a sponsee and I recently talked with my sponsor about the possibility in the future. I know how to stay sober, but I worry that I don't know enough of the details of the program or where to find certain things in the Big Book. I later had a realization; the same fears I have about being someone's sponsor are the same ones we Christians share about witnessing. We think that we don't know enough Scripture or that we will say the wrong thing. We forget that it isn't about us or our fragile egos, but rather about Him and what He can do through us if we are just willing.

God & Me, Devotions for Girls (Ages 10-12) - We found this book at an outlet yesterday and the Princess is very excited about it. They had one for boys as well but I wasn't sure that the Boy would actually sit still for it? I was rethinking it this morning and I may go back and get the one for him as well. I also got her a Bible cover so she can carry her Bible and Awana book all in one place.

I realized that as much as I love books and love to read, I don't think I ever post about that? I will point out, however, that I do use Shelfari to keep track of what I've read, and if you look down my right sidebar you will see a shelf with what I'm reading. (You can view my Shelfari Profile here.) I'm currently just finishing up the first in the Sunrise series by Karen Kingsbury. Her books are a quick read but I can't seem to put them down. Her ability to bring characters to life truly impresses me. I have literally found myself starting to pray as I read of someone's trials, then stopped myself as I remembered that they were fictional characters! Kingsbury has a gift, no question.

This & That

Sleepin’ in Omelette - This is a beautifully written recipe, accompanied by helpful pictures to teach you all you need to know about making this omelette. That said, do not ever make it. You will die of a heart attack within five minutes of eating it. You have been warned.

Never End Game - If you have an hour or 19 to kill, try this game.

Followers - If you look on the top right of this page you will see where the Followers section is. I am forlorn and lonely here folks, so throw me a bone. It's Monday and I need to feel loved! Click over there to Follow me!

Her dog's name was Magnum

I wanted to change the temperature here today, to bring back some laughter after the sorrows of this past week. But first, I need to talk about something that is weighing very heavily on me today.

A week and a half ago I was in my kitchen and I noticed a dog in my yard. I went out and greeted him, and he came to me. He was big and white and very friendly. I led him to the back yard so he wouldn't run off, and checked his tags. After I gave him a dish of water, I called the number on his tag and left a message for the owner. A short while later she called me back, and when I told her where I lived, she said that she would walk over, as she lived just around the corner. When she arrived we introduced ourselves, and chatted about her dog. He had an invisible fence collar on, and she figured the battery must have died in it. The woman was very slim and pale and I felt an urge to be extra kind to her. She thanked me repeatedly and I told her it was my pleasure and he had been no trouble at all.

Yesterday I found her name on my caller ID. I hadn't remembered her name. It was the young suicidal woman who was shot to death last week. My heart broke when I read the name, realizing who I had had in front of me just a week before her death. I know I could not have prevented what she did. I know that she was not my responsibility. But still.... I had this woman in front of me, and I have the peace in my heart that she was so desperately unable to find. How I wish now that I had been able to give it to her, to share my Jesus with her, to be a friend to her.

I am blessed to have found my way out of the pain and turmoil of my past, and into the life of freedom and peace that I have today. I know the kind of pain that girl felt, and it hurts me now to think of how she must have been suffering. I don't know why God led her into my life for that brief moment, but if nothing else, I will choose to think of her whenever I feel homesick for hell. I don't want to go back to the pain I used to live out each day. I don't know why she was depressed, or what struggles she faced that led her to her decision, or if addiction played any part in her problems. We may have nothing more in common than pain. But I do know what it's like to wish for death, to not know how to cope with that pain for one more day. The difference is that now I know how to live my life free of those burdens. I can only hope that she is resting in peace, and pray for the hard days ahead for her family.

Remembrance

Today was a sad day in many ways. I watched some of the coverage of the 7th anniversary of 9/11 this morning, and my daughter is old enough now that she asked me a lot of questions. Not hard questions, just looking for information, but.... I found myself unable to finish some of my sentences as I choked up, remembering how it felt that day. I live in a central location to where the four planes crashed, but was not in any danger. I did not personally know anyone who died that day. I was not affected in any way except the most common one, which is that I was an American who fell to my knees in complete horror when I turned on the tv that day. I prayed fervently, rubbing my pregnant belly where I carried the Boy, and feeling afraid in my own home for the first time in my life. Without my faith in God, I do not know how I would have coped with all the swirling emotions of that day. I wonder what it is like for those who feel they have no one to cry out to when life does not make sense.

Today was a reminder of the evanescent quality of life in other ways as well. A suicidal woman around the corner from us barricaded herself in her home, and then shot at police who were forced to return fire and kill her. I live in the suburbs where these things are very rare, and very shocking.

When my husband left for his evening shift at work, he had to take a longer route to avoid a huge accident that had shut down a highway. Several people were killed. He called only a few hours later to say he was on his way home. A car had crashed into one of their sweeper trucks at 70mph and four adults in the car were killed. A newborn baby in the back seat survived, along with the driver of the truck who was taken to the hospital. My husband spoke to one of the passengers in the back, who was still alive at that point. The man was groaning in his pain. My husband cleared broken glass from the baby girl's face as she screamed. When I watched the news coverage an hour ago, I could see him standing near the wreckage of the car, it's roof sliced off and the entire car crushed. He said it was one of the worst accidents he has ever seen, and he saw many when he was a volunteer firefighter for a dozen years.

These tragic things happened on the anniversary of tragedy. I think about the families of those who died today, and wonder what it will be like for them on 9/11 in years to come. I wonder if any of them knew Jesus, and I shudder to think of those who did not. I just ache for them. I have no wise or thoughtful words for times like this, and can only rely on God, and ask Him to show us the way through the valley of the shadow.