Marriage

I haven't talked about this for a long time on the blog, so here goes.... marriage is hard work. Here endeth the lesson. Ok, so really, it's hard to talk about, but the Man and I have had a rough year or two. No divorce talk or anything that awful, but just having a hard time of it. I know people sometimes call that 'going through a rough patch,' but I really hate that expression. It implies that the circumstances are outside of us, when in reality most of us create our own issues within our marriages. I have bad habits, the Man has bad habits, we don't deal with our stuff in healthy ways, we take things out on each other.... all that normal marriage stuff that you let fester when you are busy raising kids and having lives that involve jobs and pets and gym memberships.

We had come to a point a year ago last summer that we knew we had to make some major changes, which is how we finally came to the decision to leave our old church. A year into life at the new church, we have somehow found ourselves still in an unhappy place in our married life. I'm not looking to air our dirty laundry (an overused expression that I do happen to like), but I think it's important to talk about how we're handling it.

We made an appointment with one of our pastors and met with him tonight for about 90 minutes. Hands down, this is the smartest thing that I think any couple can do when they are struggling. Pastor Cam was incredibly helpful & insightful, and gave us both a lot to think about. One of the issues we deal with is the spiritual leadership of our family. With the work schedule that the Man keeps, he is not at home for huge amounts of time, and when he is, he's exhausted and just wants to relax. I get that, and most of the time it didn't bother me. But with the onset of my season of depression last year, the burden of being a single mom 95% of the time became too much for me to carry any longer. I didn't handle that in a healthy way, and the Man in turn did not respond to me in a healthy way. I have all of the home responsibilities & chores, child rearing, homework, sports, music lessons, church activities, dealing with an ADHD child & all of the school services & meetings that go with that, doctors appointments, birthday parties...... the list is absolutely endless, and yet somehow I am also supposed to find time in there to be a helpmate & lover to my husband and a spiritual leader to our children. *SYSTEM OVERLOAD*

I want the Man to be the spiritual leader of our family. The Man wants to be the spiritual leader of our family. But neither of us have ever really thought of constructive ways to make that happen. Cam suggested that a mentor could show the Man how to do this, and asked if he had ever had one. The answer is no; he has a great relationship with my dad, but he really needs someone who isn't family to fill this need. Cam said he would be glad to help the Man find the right person for this, and I really felt a weight beginning to lift from me. I never wanted to be the nagging fishwife, but I didn't know how to motivate the Man to do what he needed to do. What a relief to realize that I don't have to, and that's not my job!

I am not Super Woman. I am not interested in being Super Woman. Unfortunately one of my major character defects is that I don't ask for help when I need it. My sponsor and I have addressed this in the past, and I've gotten a lot better at it. But it's a struggle for me. I dislike being codependent on any level, and I'm on my own here most of the time anyway, so why bother? It's hard not to sink into that crummy attitude, especially when you're depressed already. I'm on my third medication and I'm heading back to the doctor to switch yet again, as this one isn't working very well now.

The point is that I'm not giving up. I'm continuing to try, asking my doctor for help, asking our pastor for help, expressing my needs to my husband. I HATE doing these things but I do them because I have to. I don't have a choice, it's either ask for help, or continue to let my life crumble until I pick up a drink again. I'm not going to flush eight years of hard work down the drain, so I choose to fight for myself and for my marriage.

Kate told me that when I feel like I can't go on, God will go on for me, and that God will fight for my marriage. That has been a huge comfort to me, knowing that He has my back. I love and adore my husband, but marriage isn't easy, especially with a recipe like ours. I can't imagine how people live without the knowledge that He is on their side, and I'm glad that I don't have to.

I get an email every day from dictionary.com with a word of the day. Today's word was intrepid, and it means fearless, bold, brave, undaunted, courageous..... I may not feel like that lately, but my God will be those things for me until I do.

Did I mention that I'm not a morning person?

I have a feeling that this morning is one of those times that I will be able to laugh about later, but am too annoyed to find the humor just yet. I woke up to the sound of the Tyrant banging the toilet seat closed repeatedly. Not sure why, but when I got up to check on him, he grinned at me, and said, 'GOOD MORNING MOMMAY!' He was wearing nothing but a diaper, don't know where he left his PJs. I then proceeded to the living room, following him as he reported to me on the dog's activities. Apparently he wanted to use the dog biscuit container as a garage for all of his 412 matchbox cars, so he dumped the biscuits on the rug. There weren't too many left, so I would imagine that my 19 pound beagle had quite a full belly. If I wasn't sure of this, it was confirmed by the Great Dane sized poo that she left in my office and the guilty look on her face. I'm so ready to go back to bed.

Operation Christmas Child

My church is a regional collection center for shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. If you've never been involved with this before, make sure you do it next year! It's such a great ministry. Thousands of boxes came through our church during the past week, and they are all being shipped to Charlotte to be checked before going overseas. I don't know the final numbers, but over 7,000 boxes came through our doors this week! So many kids will be blessed with a box full of toys, candy, school supplies and the love of Jesus - what a great way to say Merry Christmas.

Overheard

Some things heard 'round here lately...

'Mommy I'm cold! My hands, my belly and my back belly are all cold!' (Tyrant, age 3)

'I had 2 testes today and I got A's on both of them!' (the Boy, age 7)

Oh and one more thing

I forgot to mention this too, haha, that I got this when my sister was visiting this summer. We like to do things together for our birthdays instead of buying gifts, since our birthdays are close together. So this year we decided to both go get our third tattoos. It's the Man's initials on my right shoulder. Next Up: Full sleeves, ahahaha! I kid I kid, but if I had the money, and didn't get super queasy during tattooing, I would totally have a big arm piece. In the meantime, I'm trying to talk the Man into getting some ink for Christmas...

Out of the Blue

It just occurred to me that I never mentioned that I have changed my hair color.... I think it suits me.... what do you think?

Recovery Walks!

Last weekend I was blessed to participate in Recovery Walks!, which honors organizations providing prevention, treatment and recovery support services; shows support for individuals in need of treatment and their families, and celebrates those in recovery.

I walked with a group from Livengrin, and there were so many other groups represented, such as Addictions Victorious, NET, and Libertae.

I could not have been more proud to walk with my sponsor, and the atmosphere was just incredible. The joy of long term recovery; it's hard to understand it if you don't live it, but it's amazing. I loved walking with all of these other men and women who are either in recovery, or have a loved one that they support in recovery. It felt like one big family reunion.

Witnessing for Jesus

Above the doorway of a local church there is a lovely little sign that says, 'PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD.' I'm no PR expert, but is that really the best way to attract people? It just sounds like you are ABOUT TO DIE when you walk through their doors. I don't have the gift of evangelism, but I do try to talk to others about my faith. I know it's intimidating to a lot of people, as we worry too much about what others think, and not enough about what God thinks. But at the same time, I have seen one too many an over-zealous Christian push people away with their version of the Gospel. I don't know about you, but I didn't come to know Jesus because someone made me take their tract, or because I opened the door to someone who knocked on my door, or because a man with a sandwich board on the corner informed me that the end was near. I just think that we make these assumptions about how to witness to others, and we forget how we first came to God in the first place.

So in my most loving, Christian-church-lady voice, I must say, 'LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE!' Most of us got to know Jesus through a family member or friend, and we were open to hearing about Him because we ourselves were already searching. So don't be afraid to talk about Jesus. He rocks! He loves you more than pancakes, as I always tell the Boy, and all He asks is that you tell other people about Him. Sounds like a sweet deal to me.

Remembering Mary Jo

You know, I'm not one to usually speak ill of the dead. I find it tacky. But what I find even more tacky right now is the disgusting flood of love and squishyness coming from the media in regards to the late Teddy Kennedy. President Obama and many others have spoken fondly of Kennedy's passion for his beliefs, his speaking presence, his accomplishments..... Yet I can only find myself thinking of the trail of destruction he left behind him after a life of clearly doing whatever he dang well pleased. He was a womanizer, a boozer, an adulterer, a cheat, a liar and a murderer. His numerous affairs led his heart-broken wife to alcoholism, for which he mocked her. I'm sorry that I can't get on board with eulogizing someone who was a hideous human being and should have been in jail a long time ago.

John Lofton over at American View wrote a piece several years ago when the Senator was on a Senate Judiciary Committee, and I think it speaks volumes about what the man's true accomplishments were in his lifetime.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to the family of Mary Jo Kopechne, whoever they may be. Her parents have both passed in recent years, and she had no siblings. I hope that they know that there are many of us who still care about the death of a Boiler Room Girl, and hope that she rests in peace.

In The Gutter

I ran into a friend on Facebook recently that I hadn't talked to in the last few years. We exchanged all the usual pleasantries, and it was nice to reconnect with him. A bit later my phone rang, and it was him. He said that he felt he had to confess that even though he had said he was fine, he was not, and that he was just coming back to the rooms. After almost 13 years of sobriety, he had gotten injured and addicted to pain medication. He was just home from rehab. I love and respect this man, and it broke my heart to hear this. I hurt for him, but I'm so glad that he has found his way back, and is going to meetings daily. He said that his downfall was self pride, plain and simple. It's very easy to get confident in our own abilities, and think that we have this thing all wrapped up. The truth is that we never 'have it' and never will. 'It' has us, and when we start thinking otherwise, we are on very dangerous ground. The first step was admitting that we were powerless. We don't have that power, only God does, and until and unless we give up this fight to Him, we will never stay sober.

"Pride is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.

Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts."

- As Bill Sees It, p. 12

I read this article today about a drunk found laying in a gutter, clutching a bottle. Know the difference between him and I? Nothing. There is nothing special about me that keeps me sober. I've done the work, sure, worked my steps and gone to meetings and talked to other alcoholics. But I am only able to do this by the grace of God, and without Him, I'd be laying in the gutter next to that man. But for the grace of God go I.