October Baby

Tonight Tom and I went to see the pre-screening of the movie October Baby. I wasn't exactly sure why I was going, because this screening was intended for pastors & leaders, people in the pro-life movement, or people who work as crisis pregnancy counselors. I left the pregnancy loss ministry behind at my old church more than three years ago, so I had no reason to go see this. But when I got the email from ARIN about it, and watched the trailer, I just felt like I needed to see it. I'm not sure where God is calling me, but He's had my attention lately, letting me know that something is coming.

I won't give anything away, but there were a few times in the movie where God spoke to me clearly. One of them was the use of John 8:36, which is my life verse. He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. I am nervous & excited to see where God leads me.

In the meantime, please go see this movie when it opens on March 23rd. It is an amazing story, and so well done. Sometimes Christian movies have a great message but the acting is cheesy or it just looks cheaply done. October Baby was nothing like that at all. It was beautiful, powerful, inspiring and healing. Go!

Sanctity of Life

Yesterday was Sanctity of Life Sunday. I've talked about this many a January, and I'll let those posts speak (2008) (2009) again now. But I also wanted to add that if you are hurting from the decision you made to have an abortion, please go visit the Abortion Recovery site. There is help and healing out there.

Baptism Part II

The baptism was amazing! Truly amazing. I don't know how to describe it without sounding like a babbling idiot, because it really was just amazing!

I was nervous as anything getting into that water and reading my testimony. Here's what I said:

I grew up in a loving home, the middle child of a school teacher and a homemaker. I asked Jesus into my heart at around age 5. I was the epitome of the invisible middle child, never getting into trouble; doing what I was told.

So I would imagine it was quite to their shock when I left for college as a good & responsible girl, and came home two years later as an alcoholic flunk out. I wanted friends and freedom, and did everything that I had always thought was wrong. I drank so heavily right from the start, that by April of my freshman year I had landed myself a 3 day stay in a psychiatric ward, after an alcohol binge that be all rights should have killed me. By the end of my sophomore year I stopped going to my classes completely, and did nothing but party. I was kicked out. I had gone so far from my childhood faith, and sadly, that didn't even bother me. I didn't see any of this as my own fault; I was just along for the ride somehow.

Somehow, in spite of my own issues, I was blessed to find love in a wonderful man. We eventually married and started a family, and life was perfect on the surface. But beneath that surface was a well of pain and turmoil within me. I was still drinking, and I had no answers for why I hurt so much.

I began looking at my life with the eyes of a mother, and I knew that I had to change. I started going back to church, and one night while laying in bed I tearfully recommitted my life to Jesus. I had so much joy in my heart, a joy that grew with each passing day.

But one thing remained, and that was my drinking. I was a binge drinker, not a daily drinker, and because of that I was somehow able to continue to convince myself that this was not a problem. But in 2001 I had a traumatic miscarriage. I had no way of knowing what God was about to do in my life as a direct result of this loss. A short time later He used it to show me the truth about my alcoholism. I poured out every bottle in our house and have been sober since that day nine years ago. (At this point, the congregation applauded me, and I totally cried with joy!)

We made the decision two years ago to leave our old church and come to BFC. We're thankful to have been led here. Because I had been baptized as a baby, I was not allowed to be baptized as an adult in my old church, nor could I go elsewhere to be baptized, or I would have been removed from the leadership position I held. It is a joy to be free to be baptized here today.

My life verse is John 8:36, and I think it says the one thing that I would want you to remember about my story. "He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed."

Pastor C. then baptized me, and as I came up out of the water, I felt every ounce of the symbolism of that moment. I have been re-living it in my mind several times a day since then, and I am beyond thankful that I was able to do this, and proclaim my faith in the way that He asked me to.

The Man was baptized after me, which is when we ran into our only glitch of the day. I had emailed in his testimony to the office so it could be approved ahead of time. It must have been mixed up with the one I had emailed in when we joined a few months ago as new members. That original testimony had some things in it that we had chosen to edit out for this public event, since our children were going to be attending the baptism. Our oldest child is almost 11, and we aren't looking to talk to her about the abortion for a few more years at least. Unfortunately the one they printed and gave him to read during his baptism was the original, and being on the spot, in the tank, in front of everyone, the Man didn't realize what he was reading until it was too late. Thankfully, we believe that God protected our daughter from hearing him, because she had no questions for us later, and when I talked to her about what she thought of the event, she was very positive and happy for us. I think she was focused on using my fancy camera to record everything, and didn't even register what all was being said.

Otherwise, the day was perfect. I felt so blessed that my family could be there. We had them all over afterwards for lunch and I just felt radiant, so thankful and happy. Yay God! \o/

Free, Really Free My Friend

As I said last week, I spent the National Day of Prayer offline. I had my bible study in the morning, where we prayed as a group for many people and things, such as government leaders, school teachers, and our families. I had a lengthy prayer list written down for the afternoon, after asking friends & family on Facebook to post their prayer requests for me. Then, in the evening, we had a 'concert of prayer' at church, which was really wonderful. We praised together, and prayed in small groups.

I felt excited and blessed to be able to spend my day this way. When I first decided to commit the entire day to prayer, I was intimidated. I wasn't sure how I could do it, if I would get bored and my mind would wander. I was surprised when this didn't happen. I kept thinking of more and more people to pray for, and my list grew as the day went on. And then at the concert, something truly amazing happened. God blessed me with something unexpected.

The past few months I have been struggling with the wreckage of my past. Most of the time I live my life in peace, having long ago dealt with the sins I committed in my past, particularly ones due mostly to my alcoholism. God has forgiven me, and I have changed my ways. I have made amends when and where I could, and most people have been very gracious to me in return. But at the beginning of March, when I attended the women's retreat with my church, I found myself suddenly very burdened and feeling very broken.

I've hinted at it here on the blog before, but never talked about it in detail. I've given my testimony many times at the pregnancy loss service at our old church, and in my bible study at our new church. But I have been more cautious about it here, for the simple reason that at some point someone from the Man's family may read this, and we have never told them. But God has done something amazing for me, and I need to testify to this.

When I was 20 and the Man was 22, I had an abortion. It was heartbreaking and horrible, and completely destroyed me in many ways. I knew it was wrong, and I didn't want to do it, but I felt trapped. I didn't understand that my alcoholism was driving this decision, but in hindsight, it clearly was. I was going to turn 21 that summer, and I could not only not fathom not being able to drink during a pregnancy, but for my 21st birthday? It was impossible. The Man and I both hid our emotions from each other, neither of us wanting me to do it, but saying nothing. I ached inside, wishing I could hide from the situation. I don't know that I can fully describe that feeling of desperation. I've heard someone describe the choice of abortion as akin to that of gnawing your foot off to escape a bear trap. It is very much like that.

I went to a city clinic with a friend, and went under sedation as the doctor aborted my 9 week old twin babies. I thought I would feel relieved when I woke up. I didn't. I felt empty. broken. ashamed. I cried a lot over the next few days, not comprehending what I had done or why I had done it. I hated myself.

Unable to cope, but unwilling to cross the line of drinking at work, I unconsciously turned to food. By the end of the year I had gained over 70 pounds. I worked in a day care and the pain of working with other people's children every day was too much for me. I eventually quit, but drifted for quite some time before I found work again. The Man and I had somehow stayed together, and got engaged that Christmas. We were married eighteen months later, and will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

God has been gracious to me, time and again, in healing my heart. I gave my heart back to Jesus after the birth of our daughter, and have been doing my best to live for Christ ever since. It wasn't until that retreat weekend that I felt myself breaking down. It was the 15th anniversary of that horrible day, and my mind had been festering; brewing up a well of guilt and angst.

I keep journals for each of my children, including the twins. I have never let anyone else read them, not even the Man. But as we say in AA, we're only as sick as our secrets, and I want to share what I've written to them. Here are the last few entries in theirs:

March, 2010 (right before I went on the retreat)

Fifteen years is a really long time. The pain is less now, most of the time. God has been so gracious to me, allowing me to heal in many ways. I pray that this is true for your father as well. We didn't talk about you at all today. Maybe he forgot what day it is. I hope that he did. I feel guilty writing that. But, I know that it is better to forget you, and to not dwell forever on what could have been. To be at peace with what we did to you, with what we lost... we need to be able to let the memories and pain fade away. The passage of time has a way of softening the edges of grief.

If I see pictures of aborted babies, I look away now. I used to torture myself, looking at photo after photo, reminding myself of this horrible gruesome thing that I had done. I don't do that anymore. I can't. I need to forgive myself and let you go.

I'm not that scared 20 year old girl anymore. I'm not that irresponsible and selfish drunk anymore. I'm not that murderer anymore.

My sweet boys, I do miss you desperately. I can smile sometimes when I think of you now, because I know our reunion someday will be amazing. I know you are at peace, and I know that I must choose to be at peace too. I love you.

March 22, 2010

I went on the women's retreat a few weeks ago. It was a wonderful and emotional weekend. I was blessed to help guide a young woman on her journey to accept Jesus as her Savior. God's presence was just so powerful over those two days.

On Saturday evening we did a clay pot activity, which was designed to show you how willing you are to be broken by God in order to accomplish His purposes. It was very emotional for us all, and for me, just having come out of an 18 month depression, it was especially poignant. After that we took communion. It was by intinction so we could get in line as we wanted. When I was waiting in line I began to cry, thinking of you. As the line slowly moved forward, I began to come undone, and just sobbed. I stepped out of line, needing to calm myself and ask God to be with me.

I wanted to get back in line, but how could I take His communion? My unworthiness, my sinfulness just smothered me. I could hear MURDERER ring in my ears over and over. My heart felt shattered.

I finally calmed enough to get back in line, but when my turn came I stood there, unable to take the bread. The woman serving the bread was compassionate to me, putting her arm around me. The shame of my sin was too much. I didn't deserve to take His communion. Her comfort finally moved me, and I took the bread. I moved and stood before the woman holding the cup, a friend, and I just stood there and cried. She prayed and asked God to show me that I'm forgiven of my sins. I cried on her shoulder, my broken heart once again unwilling to accept the forgiveness that He has offered me all along. I could barely swallow the elements.

After, I went behind a pillar to gather myself. As I then made my way to my seat, a friend stopped me and hugged me. She knew about you, and I told her that it was the 15 year anniversary. She held me and prayed, thanking God for the 15 years that He has been doing a work in me. I can't say that I felt better afterwards. I am able to calm myself by putting you in a box, and convincing myself that I somehow have peace about you. But I'm only fooling myself after all.

May 6, 2010, National Day of Prayer

You have been on my mind daily since the retreat. I have told myself repeatedly that I have to let you go. How can I be of service to the Kingdom if I am tied down with this never-ending grief? I'm no fool, I know the devil taunts me about you, reminds me always of what I did to you. But I felt I deserved to suffer, no matter how sorry I was. I felt that I had to hold on to my shame & grief, because it's all I have left of you. And outside of that, I felt like I had no control over these emotions anyway. I can't help missing you. I can't help being heartbroken that you are not in my life. I can't pretend that I don't feel guilt for the choice I made. I can't help missing you desperately. I can't stop feeling guilty.

I can't. He can.

He can, and through Him, I can.

I can choose.... This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. ~ Deut. 30:19

I didn't choose life 15 years ago. But I choose it now. Tonight at church, Pastor J. said that with the incredible price that Jesus paid for my freedom, it would be an insult to choose to live as a slave. I cannot be a slave to my past sin anymore. I have been forgiven, and I must choose to embrace that and LIVE that forgiveness.

Years ago, when my brothers & sisters in Christ laid hands on me, and His Spirit quickened within me, I felt the overwhelming power of evil and good at war within me. I felt that battle so keenly, as Jesus FOUGHT for me, and WON. I lay on the floor as limp as a dishrag, crying my eyes out, feeling every bit of my grief. I know that He healed me that day. It was my choice to go back against His will. I will disobey Him no longer.

We sang this song tonight...

One name under heaven

whereby we must be saved

Searched for a long time

Searched both night and day

then somebody showed us Jesus is the way. He's that...

One name under heaven

whereby we must be saved

Forgiven of my sin, baptized in the water

Filled with the Holy Ghost and

Washed in the blood of the Lamb. By that...

One name under heaven

whereby we must be saved

God's gonna move this place

God's gonna move this place

God's gonna turn this place upside down. By that...

One name under heaven

whereby we must be saved

Free, really free my friend

Free by the blood of the Lamb

Free by the blood of the Lamb. By that...

One name under heaven

Whereby we must be saved

(You can find this song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZzPDLcBznk)

I know this is true, and I know that I must choose daily to live in that truth, that He has set me free. As we sang, 'free, really free my friend', I was awestruck by His love and grace, that He would reach out to me yet again, and show me that I'm forgiven. I no longer want to be a slave. I am free from my past sins. I thought it was about emotions & feelings, but I've realized it's more about obedience and faith. Emotions & feelings are unreliable. If I choose to obey, and to accept His forgiveness, then I will be free indeed. I trust Him with my heart. All praise be to Him.

He whom the Son sets free is free indeed! ~ John 8:36

Sanctity of Life Sunday

Today would have been my 8th Remembrance Service at my previous church. As I've said in a previous post, I had a hard time letting go of doing this, even as I knew that my heart needed to move on. I spoke with my mother earlier this evening (who still attends that church), and she told me about the wonderful message that was delivered today, and how Sanctity of Life Sunday was recognized there. My heart is full, knowing that the service has continued on, and that my former pastor feels passionately about it. They didn't do a candle-lighting, which I do hope that they bring back someday. But I'm just glad that the Day was recognized, and that losing my Lily has changed that church forever.

My new church is currently holding a fund-raiser for a local crisis pregnancy center. They support Choice One on a regular basis, and right now are collecting spare change in baby bottles. I'm really glad to be able to help in this way, to give support, and not have to lead anything this year. I have such peace today with where He has led me.

*note: Sanctity of Human Life Sunday is traditionally marked on the 3rd Sunday of January. Because of scheduling issues in the past, we usually held our event on the last Sunday of the month instead.*

Beauty for Ashes

So, where to start, where to start.... I usually dread March 1st, thinking it will be painful and I'll spend the day sad and small. However, I don't think I had five minutes to spare to myself today in which to spend regretting the past. My day officially began at midnight when I thought about what it used to be like when I could go to bed and actually STAY THERE. The Boy couldn't sleep because of growing pains in his knees, so he was up several times before I got him settled with ice packs in the recliner. The Barnacle coughed most of the night, and I got him out of bed around 1am to give him a treatment. I went to sleep sometime after 1:30.

I had already known I would have to miss MOPS this morning since the Barnacle's eye funk has not cleared up and he's on the drops 3x a day yet again. (mental note: write a blog about the joys of putting drops into the eyes of an angry 17 month old who has octopus arms)(another mental note: buy a catcher's mask) So I was bummed about missing out on adult conversation and snacks. I didn't have time to really fuss much about it though, as I had a mountain of laundry to catch up on, cleaning, dishes, and the never-ending housewife list. I got the Princess and the Boy both to school (at 9 and 1) and the Barnacle down for a way-too-short-nap, grabbed a shower and then was out the door. The pediatrician confirmed that the Barnacle does indeed have junky lungs as I suspected, so he's back on the nebulizer yet again. Since he has been sick like this so much this winter, she has also now put him on a steroid. So he gets treatments four times a day, two of which have the steroid along with the Albuterol. Have I mentioned that the Barnacle hates these treatments? No? Well he hates them. A lot. And he has to be on the steroid for 1-2 months. Booyah.

So off we go to the pharmacy, then run out of time because they have to call the pediatrician since they can't read her chicken scratch, so I leave and go pick up the kids from school. Back to the pharmacy yet again to pick up all three prescriptions since the Albuterol you mix with the Pulmicort is not the same as the regular Albuterol. Did you get all that? So now we're home again and kids need snacks and dinner needs to be started and the Barnacle is throwing matchbox cars at the cat. Oh, and called my father who is out of state visiting my sister, because his birthday is coming up.

And really, I could go on and on, but the point is -- I was so busy with my full and crazy life today, that I did not have time to spend my day moping about in my pajamas. I needed today to not be excruciatingly painful and it wasn't. I made the worst decision of my life 13 years ago today. I will never recover from it, I will bear the scars for the rest of my life. But the Lord continues to give me beauty for ashes, and today He blessed me with a bustling kind of day that left me smiling at my happy little life, and not filled with pain and grief. I lit two candles tonight, and thought about how far I have come since that day 13 years ago. I am thankful, so thankful that my heart is bursting, with the love and peace that He has given me. I do still have days where the pain overwhelms me, and I don't know how to cope with it. But today was not one of those days. He has given me beauty for ashes.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service

Tomorrow we're holding our 7th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service at church. I started this service in 2001 after my ectopic loss. I cannot even begin to describe what an amazing gift this service has been to me and how blessed I feel to be a part of it. God definitely gave me beauty for ashes, and the oil of joy for mourning (Isaiah 61). As much as the preparation can stress me out, I know that He is going to do amazing things tomorrow and touch a lot of hurting hearts.

Each service is very simple, but very powerful. Someone with a testimony of how God moved in their life and brought them healing after loss will share their story. We read scriptures such as Matthew 5:4, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.' The Signing Choir is performing a Steven Curtis Chapman song titled 'With Hope', about the hope that only He gives us, in knowing that we will see our lost children again someday.

For those who have lost children to miscarriage or stillbirth, I pray that you would find comfort in Him. For anyone out there who reads this, who has an abortion in their past, please know this -- God longs to reach out to you and comfort you, and forgive you. You don't have to live with the pain and the shame any more.

With Hope
This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for youwe had so many dreams
And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the painthe pain of losing you
We can cry with hopewe can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope
because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
Never have I known anything so hard to understand
Never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free
We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
We have this hope like as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true
So we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place
By God's grace
There's a place where we'll see your face again
~Steven Curtis Chapman, from his 1999 album 'Speechless'