Random Things

A, 8th grade (last year of junior high)

E, 5th grade (last year of elementary school)

TC, Kindergarten

Kids are back to school, and TC started Kindergarten yesterday. I spent the afternoon crying. It's super hard to let him go after having him home with me for nearly six years. He isn't a kid I usually need a break from either; he's generally easy and affectionate and hilarious, so I'd really rather keep him at age 5 forever. I took a bunch of pictures, and waved at him bravely, and waited until I got in the car to fall apart. I don't know that I'd ever be ready for him to go. This year has kept me in a raw emotional state, so it doesn't take much at this point to get the tears rolling. I just didn't know that dropping the last child off for Kindergarten would be this much harder than the first.

I am all registered for school and my first textbook is on a UPS truck somewhere right now. My first class starts on the 17th, which is coming up quickly.

My mother, who has Parkinson's Disease, is having brain surgery next week. Specifically she is having Deep Brain Stimulation done. I'm pretty much wigging out about this and trying not to think about it much or do internet research. The surgery takes six hours, and she'll be awake for the first two. That's pretty much all I want or need to know at this point.

Random Things

I realize I haven't blogged much since summer began, and I'd like to say I will blog more soon, but I don't think I will. Maybe it's just a dry blogging season or something. So here's the gist....

I dislike summer enormously, so I'm pleased that this one is going by quickly so far. Having a teacher strike in June shortened the summer nicely for me.
We had VBS last week which went swimmingly. (You can see Megan's decorations post here.) I was on the snack team again and we didn't kill anyone, so mission accomplished.
I'm going to take a meal to Kate and squeeze her new baby boy tomorrow.
I'm having some folks from my parents' group over on Wednesday night for coffee & snacks & hopefully much-needed laughs.
I saw a beautiful tribute for my Uncle Dane on his town's fair web site and cried a lot.
I'm still in the process of getting my ducks in a row to apply for college. Feeling more confident about it now.
My thyroid is still meh, but my bloodwork indicates I'm responding to the meds, so he increased my dose. I'm cautiously optimistic half the day, and cranky and negative about it the rest of the day.
I spoke at an Al-Anon meeting recently and it was a great experience.
We have baby bunnies in the front yard. Our stupid cat killed one and was eating it when we found him yesterday.
I hate election years.
The boys are enjoying martial arts classes.
My oldest will be a teenager in a few weeks. I'll be accepting sympathy cards & chocolate.

Yep, every night

College. Oy.

{gif from pleated-jeans}

This was pretty much me in college. Which explains why my transcripts are so painful to look at. After 18 years I finally requested them, and it was pretty awful to read them. It was actually worse than I expected, and I hadn't expected much. Even now after nearly 11 years of sobriety, I underestimate how much it really affected me right from the beginning. I'm going to request my high school transcripts next, which should make for a nicer read. I was a B student for the most part, except for math which I still suck at. (I can't help E with his 4th grade math homework. It's quite humbling.)

So I'm  prayerfully considering going back to school to get my bachelor's degree. I have a lot of anxiety about this, probably because my two years of college were like Animal House and I lost all ability to be a student. I have been a stay at home mom for more than a decade, and aside from bible study I haven't exactly been working the brain too hard. I don't know what kind of student I am capable of being. Tom has much confidence in me, but he's biased. I am queasy at the thought of racking up student debt now, when we have to start paying college tuition for A in five years. It's intimidating. And my list of Excellent Reasons goes on.

My friend Heather has pep talked me repeatedly this week, sometimes being reassuring and calming, and other times telling me to get over myself. I know she is right on both fronts, but it's just going to take time for me to pray & work through all of my Excellent Reasons for why I shouldn't finish my degree.

Juvenile in Justice

This just broke my heart. The boy pictured is the same age as my daughter.
Juvenile in Justice photo gallery - "Photographer Richard Ross captured images of over 1,000 juvenile inmates housed in over 200 detention centers and correctional facilities throughout the U.S. and Canada. According to his website, the "Juvenile in Justice" project explores the "treatment of American juveniles housed by law in facilities that treat, confine, punish, assist and, occasionally, harm them."
"The hope is that by seeing these images, people will have a better understanding of the conditions that exist," he writes on his website."

Random Stuff

I have my shiny happy laptop back. Yay for me. :)

I am slowly feeling better but finding it surprising at how long this medicine stays with you. Blech. I'm still praying for answers, and trying to not let it continue to get to me. I'm thankful for friends who pray. :)

We celebrated Tom's 40th birthday yesterday. It was an amazing day with friends & family. We asked guests to bring their spare change to donate to our Relay for Life team, which benefits the American Cancer Society. The donations came to $229! We're so pleased about this. Our team, Debby's Sweet Angels, will walk in the Relay this June.

Yes, TC is wearing a pumpkin costume. He really loves that thing and wears it often. This was his second costume of the day, as he wore his tiger one first. Such a character. :) 

Hiatus

I think I forgot to mention that my laptop is in the shop yet again, hence the quiet blog. I should have it back in 2 to 4 weeks, oy. In the meantime, I'm of course using the disgusting family computer. I feel like I should get a tetanus shot after each use. I'm so glad we have a rule that no one can eat in front of this computer, otherwise it would have a keyboard with keys that stick because of all the crumbs and junk under them, or a sour milk smell from a drink that was spilled on it. Yeah, thank God we have that rule.

What I Actually Do

Have you seen these? They've been very popular on Facebook lately, as everyone jumps on board to describe who they are too. (Sorry it overlaps the sidebar, but if I made it any smaller you wouldn't be able to read it.)
I sent this one to my friend Laura, who has triplets:

And all my church friends are enjoying this one....





But this one is definitely my favorite....

Random

While we were getting E's glasses the other day a young woman walked through with long dark hair streaked with royal blue. We eyed each other up, and as she passed me I said, "Nice hair." She smirked and said thanks.  It felt kind of weird. It made me wonder if that's how celebrities feel if they arrive on the red carpet and find that someone else is wearing the exact same dress. I'm pretty sure it's exactly like that.

TC is on this kick where he talks constantly about his future house. (He also calls it his museum.) It started out with just ideas for his man cave but has grown from there. And for some reason, all of this discussion seems to come out while we're in the car. Everywhere we drive, I hear about the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the electric money machine, how robbers will be kept out, where he will sleep and how he will still love me and I can visit anytime. This has led to statements such as, "Mom, the best thing about my museum is the teeny, tiny Bigfoot. But don't touch him; he bites." or "All the animals in my museum are free, becepts the Bigfoot. He costs 150."

Geriatric Monday

So I'm not feeling great today, sore throat, etc., and I'm sad for a friend whose marriage is failing. So I admit to seeking out a bit of comfort food. And as I'm eating my reduced fat Wheat Thins with hummus, it hits me. I'm old. I'm really old. When did low fat crackers and whipped chick peas become my COMFORT FOOD? How did this happen?

Obituary

This is the picture that the family provided for the obituary of a local man. Seriously, how great is this picture? That look is so shifty and awesome; I love it. And it made me think that I need to be sure that someday my family picks a good picture of me for mine. Not the most flattering, where all my grandkids say 'Oh look how sweet Granny looks', but where I look awesome in an insane kind of way.  If Tom outlives me, I know he'll be on board to do this for me.

And then my tombstone could read like, "Phoebe Buffet: Buried Alive".

I know, who thinks about this stuff? Stay at home moms who have been stay at home moms for more than a decade which is clearly too long, that's who. 

Random & Cranky. You've been warned.

Theresa reminded me that I've been silent for nine days here. It's good that she reminds me, because I get myself up in my tree and am too busy festering to come back down.  There's just too much life going on lately. I know I have to accept life on life's terms, but frankly I'm sick of life interfering with my peace & quiet.

No answers on my thyroid yet. The ENT didn't seem to think that my symptoms or test results were any big deal, which ticked me off right off the bat. He said we could repeat the ultrasound in six months. I said, ummm, no. So he said I could get the nuclear medicine study, which I agreed to and just have to call & schedule. The nodule is too small to biopsy, and the questionable tissue on the parathyroid doesn't seem like a big deal. He said that the parathyroid controls your calcium and my calcium levels are fine. So good news, but also doesn't get me the answers I'm looking for, so I'm just feeling frustrated.

E is still having a rough time at school and I'm still talking with the guidance counselor often as she tries to get him to tell her what all is going on with him. We both feel it goes back to his social issues and not having friends at school. He told her that he didn't take his meds today, which was odd since I stood there and watched him take it. So either he was lying to her, or spit it out when I wasn't looking.  She also said that he told her that every day when he wakes up, it's already a 'blah day'. It makes me worried that he's depressed, but I also know that he hates waking up because he doesn't sleep well, and is always so tired.  My focus lately has been on spending one on one time with him, talking with him. We snuggled under a blanket and did his devotional book tonight. He seemed to enjoy it. I've also been playing more games with him lately, to get him to interact with us more. (Farkle is a favorite!)  Tom heard something on the radio recently about a social skills class for kids at a local hospital, so I'm looking into that for E. I also bookmarked some information about cyber schools for him, should it ever come to that. I'm just trying to stockpile ideas and resources, but at the same time I feel like I haven't got a clue how to parent him or help him.

So there it is, cranky that life isn't going the way I want it to. I know I need to get over myself. Tomorrow is another day. It is what it is. You have to have some rain before you get the rainbow. yadda yadda. I get it, I know. I swear I'm trying. I'm just really super good at being cranky.  It's my father's fault really.

OH! But in good news I've lost 21 pounds total and feel like a rock star when I put on jeans in a smaller size. I'm already dreaming of what it will feel like after the next 20 come off. :) I may need a new tattoo to celebrate that day.

Random

So Kate finally announced her pregnancy, and I can finally relax and stop worrying that I might accidentally tell someone. And she was gracious in her post about it, but I know she blames me for saying she would be pregnant by Thanksgiving. I do so enjoy being right.

I had my thyroid ultrasound and am waiting on the results. The tech said nothing during the scan and I didn't ask. I figured if there were gnomes living in there, her face might've given something away. I'm guessing I'll have to call my doctor tomorrow to find out, since his staff never seems to get around to those phone calls.

TC is still obsessed with the man cave idea and talks about it daily. He's also taken to reminding me that even when he lives in the house with said man cave, he will still love me. Good to know.

I got our church on Facebook: BFCHURCH  I'll be launching a page for Women's Ministries soon too. Now I just have to think of something profound to say on the page every day. I did not think this through.

I went ahead and ordered Crazy Love, even though I don't think I have time to read it just yet. While I was at it, I ordered Forgotten God, also by Francis Chan. Heather and I were talking about trying to do it in a small group together. Her Care Ring is doing it now and she loves it. I can't wait to read it, which means it may get bumped to the head of the line.

I couldn't sleep last night because there were hoot owls outside talking about politics. Or whatever, but they were LOUD either way. And it's odd, because outside my window is a shed and shrubbery, so I'm not sure why they were there. I considered going out with a baseball bat, but it was really frigid cold so I opted for ear plugs.

There's a meatloaf in the crockpot right now, and a lovely hot fire burning and we may see some snowflakes tonight. Here's hoping!

Profile pic

This is my current profile picture on Facebook. It KILLS me.

Random

January seems to be slipping through my fingers somehow. I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged since the beginning of the month until Theresa asked me about it.  I'm greatly distracted this past week as our teachers are out on strike. I'm praying there will be a resolution and a contract soon, but for now the kids are home for two weeks. We've done some fun things, like going to the Academy of Natural Sciences with my in-laws. The kids loved that, and E was soaking up all the scientific information like a sponge. One of the museum volunteers said that he should get E his own apron, since he was repeating back all he knew to another child, acting like her own personal tour guide.

I had bloodwork done and it looks like my thyroid is out of whack. This could explain a whole lot of annoying symptoms! I still have to get an ultrasound done, though, so we'll see what the doctor says after that.

I slacked off with my food choices over the holidays, no shock there. I am SO thankful though, because I didn't regain any of the pounds I have lost. Lots of holiday food and lots of chaos in our house made me sure my weight would go back up. Kate said that my body is probably more efficient now and that's maybe why I didn't regain even though I ate poorly. Whatever the reason, I'll take it. And I'm going back to the gym today, and can honestly say that I can't wait!

Tom went back to work this past Monday and is doing well. He has to have one more follow-up with our family doctor, but the surgeon cleared him for work. He flipped from day shift to night shift and then back to day shift this week because of bad weather. I hate that; night shift is unhealthy enough for you without going back and forth like that. Which reminds me, I need to call and schedule his sleep study...

Random Grumblings

I have the Mondays again. Not feeling good, just blahhhh. A longtime online friend of mine passed away, which is just heartbreaking. She was in her mid-40s, had 3 teenage children. Some of us are sending flowers. I co-managed a message group for Christian SAHMs with her for a few years, and was so fond of her. I called her once for advice about something or other, and she was so encouraging to me. I'm so glad she's with Jesus; happy for her. Just sad for us, and so very sad for her kids and husband.

The vanities of life have felt very painful to me lately. I don't like feeling like this; melancholy and wishing Jesus would just come back already. Not because I'm longing for His return, but selfishly because life is hard and I hate seeing people hurt.

We're having a hard time with A lately, as her grades suck and she hasn't been too bothered by it. It was so much simpler when I could just put her in time out or take away her binky. We don't want to take away good things from her like youth group or student council. So for now she has lost her screen time during the week, her phone goes on the kitchen counter until homework is done, and we want more open communication weekly about what she's doing, what's due, etc. Tom and I have struggled with this because we don't agree on how to handle it. Which is also hard, because since he's frequently not around, I have to make the decisions on my own and then tell him later, which isn't fair to him. I had a good chat with Mary about it and she was very helpful. I feel very unprepared for this new phase of parenting, and Mary hasn't killed even ONE of her kids, so I'll listen to any advice she has to give.

I'm very thankful for my Jesus today. He's such a comfort to me when I'm having a pity party, just the right balance of patting me on the back while also smacking me and telling me to get over myself. He's good like that.

Land of Confusion

I've been a hot mess of indecision lately, and it was making me crazy. It's all good things, but good things that I can't choose between and feel immobilized by. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound manic or stupid. I have too much free time during the day, and even though I have plenty of things I can and should be doing in that time, I waste a lot of it with stupid stuff. I have no accountability during the day and it's not good. My youngest is going to kindergarten in a year and I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. I did decide that I'm not going back to school to finish my degree, at least not at this stage of life. A will start college herself in six years and I just can't see spending the money now when we need to be saving it for her. And I'd really like it if my husband could get a 9 to 5 job. His hours are ridiculous. I'm thankful he has a good & secure job, don't get me wrong. But yesterday he got up for work at 3:30am and didn't get home until 9:00pm. And his whole week looks to be the same, just as it was last week. I just don't see how his body will take that abuse indefinitely, and I would rather go back to work and get ourselves in a position for him to work less. I know that won't happen overnight or anything, but it's something we have agreed to work towards.

I started reading the Dave Ramsey book again (Total Money Makeover) and the good news is that we make a lot of good financial decisions. We don't have credit card debt, just house, cars & camper. Tom's car was a leftover so it was a bit more, but mine was used so the payments aren't terrible. I just want Tom to come have a life with us, rather than visiting us.

I'm pondering medical transcription, since I could do that from home. Jill's sister is awesome and got me some contact info for the one she works for. I need to touch up my sparkling resume (ten years at home, oy) and give them a call. I'm a bit worried because the office is an hour away and I don't know how often I'll need to go there. We shall see; it's a good opportunity that I won't waste.

Thanksgiving = going off plan with my food choices, as I posted about earlier. I need to really focus on it, or I will slide right back into bad habits. I am allowed to have dessert, I just can't eat a piece of pie and then cake and then cookies and then some more turkey with gravy. It's so easy to mindlessly eat when you're sitting around with family all day....

A lesson in genetics

This is my sister. In a bikini. After having two children. I know, right?

Random

I just ate what had to be the fattiest pork chop ever sliced. Seriously, I felt like I was dissecting something with all the work I had to do to cut all the fat off. And then I could still feel it here & there, somehow lurking between sections. What the crap, Redner's? It's my own fault, really, as I swore long ago to stop buying meat there. My laziness takes over, however, and I just don't feel like going to another store.

I'm speaking at my home group's anniversary tomorrow night. I really love public speaking; I just can't decide if I should vomit before or after. I'm leaning towards before due to time constraints, since I have to go straight from the meeting to pick the boys up from Awana. Ugh, why did I let myself be bamboozled into this? And I do mean bamboozled, because a woman nominated me out of nowhere during the business meeting a few months ago. I have never seen a faster vote. I considered throwing a tantrum to get out of it, but that didn't seem like it would go over well. This is when having 10 years of sobriety works against you; people expect adult behavior.

I'm feeling a bit better about driving the past few days. Not loving it, but surviving. I will say though, that it's hard when everyone decides to drive like a moron around here. I'm sure I've complained about all of the construction before? It's really swell how they decided that all of the major roads around my hood need to be repaved at the same time.

E had a rough day at school last week and the principal called me. I can only conclude that I must have forgotten to medicate him that morning, based on the colorful description she gave me of the day he'd been having. And I may be cheap, but I'm not throwing his shirt out just because he cut the cuff off of one sleeve. It gives it character, really. She was quite grateful when I offered to come pick him up. I'm betting she's thinking that next time she'll call me earlier, because this was at 2pm and school ends at 3:30. The whole thing made me laugh; what can ya do?

In happier news, my master plan to get my church on Facebook is finally coming together. *twirls mustache* The funny thing is, after being shot down for two years for various reasons, they're all acting like this isn't a big deal and of course we'll get the church on Facebook. I'm pretty sure they're toying with me.

Red Light

I pulled up to the red light and waited. In the back seat were my 5 year old son and the 3 year old son of a friend. The light has a long cycle. The boys were chattering away to each other while we sat. The light turned green just as a car was coming from the right. I hesitated for an instant, as she didn't seem to be slowing enough to stop for the light. She did stop though, and I moved forward, about to turn left.
I heard the truck before I saw it. The giant dump truck had blown the light, probably not even seeing it as it was next to another busy intersection. I heard his wheels locking up and then saw him as he turned to the left to avoid me. I was pushing the brake pedal through the floor, sure that we were going to collide. His tires were smoking and screaming as he stopped.
Then silence. Deep breath. He hadn't hit me. Our vehicles were so close that I couldn't even see the driver above me. The boys were still chattering. I thought I was going to vomit, but as he moved out of the intersection, I moved too. We were okay.
A minute down the road, I pulled over. I didn't think I should drive until I stopped shaking and crying. The boys continued to be unaware of what had happened. I pulled myself together and took them to school.

That moment could have changed our lives forever. It didn't; God spared us. I thought about what this could have done to my family and the family of the child whose care I had been entrusted with. I thanked God for the brand new brakes in my husband's brand new car that I was driving. I thanked God for the woman who hadn't been slowing down for the light, which made me hesitate before going through the intersection. I doubt that that woman knows she may have saved our lives. The young men in the car behind me were undoubtedly stunned by what they saw, as I saw their eyes wide and mouths hanging open in my mirror at the next light. Did God use what they saw to remind them to be safe & alert drivers?

We have a logo for our church, of a cross touching a pool of water, creating ripples. It reminds me that God can use everything that happens to us to impact not only us, but those around us. I don't know what that truck driver was thinking after we had both come to a stop. My husband works with large equipment and I know that he fears hitting someone when he drives his enormous work truck. He's had people pull out in front of him many times, not understanding that these large trucks cannot stop quickly. I will pray for the driver from this morning. I don't know who he is or anything about him. Whatever is going on in his life, I think it's likely that God got his attention with this. He could have killed us. I don't doubt that he knows this. I know God wants me to pray for him, and I will. And here's hoping that the rest of my week is quiet and uneventful!