December

I'm on break from school, which is a nice mental break if nothing else. It hasn't exactly been relaxing, but it's all good. A was super sick over Christmas but at least we didn't have any hospital trips this time so that was nice. TC did punch my nephew in the face on Christmas Day and loosen his tooth, so I win for parenting the Worst Redheaded Kid Ever, ughhh. Classes are cancelled over the holidays but I'll be having a conversation with his instructor when we go back to martial arts in the new year. I think a lecture from him will have more impact on TC than mine did.

I finished the fall semester with a 4.0, which is pretty surreal to me. I hold no illusion that I'll keep that up in the long-term, but it sure felt nice to start off so well. My next class is a Bible one and then in the second half of the semester I'm taking my next Psych class which is Intro to Research. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but as Kate pointed out, at least I don't have to go to the library and hunt stuff down to photocopy, since the LU library is all online.

I'm still sick with stomach problems and finally made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. I'm really looking forward to that, because I'm sure he's going to want to do the test I've been putting off for about ten years. Tim Hawkins has a nice song about it that I'm sure I'll be humming that day. I'm assuming he won't find anything wrong, since every test I have ever had done has shown nothing, but it will make Tom happy if I go. He's tired of me being sick & cranky I guess???

So today's the last day of 2012 and I can say mostly good riddance. The good always outweighs the bad, but this wasn't my favorite year to say the least. I am thankful though, that I can still say that it is well with my soul.

Relay for Life

This weekend was Relay for Life, which benefits local cancer patients through the American Cancer Society, along with furthering research and advocacy for patients.  My friend's daughter wanted to do Relay in memory of Miss Debby, so she and her mom became team captains. It was a great experience and we're hoping to do it again next year.

The premise of Relay is that cancer never sleeps, so for 24 hours we won't either. A member of our team was walking the track at all times from 11am Saturday to 11am Sunday. I walked 8 miles yesterday, and A walked 22! We had 30 total members on our team and raised almost $6,000! The total amount raised by the event was over $133,000!

{Our team tent:The kids created the 'stained glass windows' and decorated it like a little church.}

{Flower ribbon & picture collage in honor of Debby. Donations on the left for Hope Lodge. Bibles on the right to give out free.}

{Luminaries surround the entire track at nightfall, each one with a name on it in honor or in memory of someone who had cancer.}

Struggling

I started taking a generic form of Synthroid a week ago, in an effort to bring down my TSH levels and get my thyroid to function correctly. I had high hopes for this because I have struggled with fatigue for as long as I can remember. In the past six months or so it got worse, combined with heart palpitations, hair loss, forgetfulness and muscle tremors.

After seven days I called my doctor today to tell him that not only am I not feeling any better, I feel about fifty times worse. I am so exhausted all day that I can barely keep my eyes open, and I have nausea all day long. I'm also non-stop starving and have gained two pounds. The muscle tremors are out of control. I mopped the family room today and afterwards couldn't stop shaking for hours. I'm on an emotional roller coaster where I'm joyful one minute and hysterically crying the next. I feel as if I'm going mad.

My doctor told me to stop taking the medication, and let it clear out of my system for two weeks. He said to call him after that and we'll talk about the options.

I just keep praying to God, and all I can say is 'Help.' I don't know what to ask for. There seem to be no answers or solutions and I just feel defeated. I don't feel that way all the time, because the emotional roller coaster is great that way. I was at the chiropractor yesterday, completely in knots and he was very concerned. He said I didn't even feel like me. He asked me how my stress level was and I said medium? I don't even know. It was the longest adjustment I've ever had, with deep tissue massage, this technique and that technique, and much pain. He finally got me all straightened out, and I told him that I had started taking a medication for my thyroid. He told me that the thyroid is 'his thing' and he loaned me a book. He's concerned that I could have Hashimoto Disease. I can't even let my mind go there at this point. He said it would mean giving up some things. I said you don't even know all that I've already given up. I quit smoking and got sober and lost weight and eat whole grains and tons of vegetables and I still feel awful. The unfairness of it just sucks.

Lord, show me the light in this darkness. Lead me out, because I don't know where I'm going or how to get there. I trust you, but I'm lost. Amen.

ps

I just ate four Twix bars. Lest anyone think that Tom is not taking good care of me during my foray into insanity.

I wonder if I glow in the dark

The Newman thing has not worked. That's all I have to say about that right now.

I had the first part of the nuclear medicine study this morning. I have to go back this afternoon to have another ten minute scan done. I survived getting the injection, which if you don't know, I don't handle well. It's embarrassing as heck but I get flushed and woozy when I have to get blood drawn or an IV put in. Thank God this was one injection and done. Then I laid with my shoulders on a pillow and my head tilted back. You have to lay perfectly still but it's only ten minutes. They want me to drink plenty of fluids before I go back to flush out the radiation liquid. They also told me that I should not hold TC on my lap today at all. That will be tough, since he's a lap-kid for sure. Some side-hugs will have to do.

Mary asked me to help her do a workshop at the women's in-house retreat. It'll be on thriftiness and organization, both of which are things that make me all warm and fuzzy inside. And speaking of Mary, our families are going together to see Tim Hawkins next month - so excited about this!

Random & Cranky. You've been warned.

Theresa reminded me that I've been silent for nine days here. It's good that she reminds me, because I get myself up in my tree and am too busy festering to come back down.  There's just too much life going on lately. I know I have to accept life on life's terms, but frankly I'm sick of life interfering with my peace & quiet.

No answers on my thyroid yet. The ENT didn't seem to think that my symptoms or test results were any big deal, which ticked me off right off the bat. He said we could repeat the ultrasound in six months. I said, ummm, no. So he said I could get the nuclear medicine study, which I agreed to and just have to call & schedule. The nodule is too small to biopsy, and the questionable tissue on the parathyroid doesn't seem like a big deal. He said that the parathyroid controls your calcium and my calcium levels are fine. So good news, but also doesn't get me the answers I'm looking for, so I'm just feeling frustrated.

E is still having a rough time at school and I'm still talking with the guidance counselor often as she tries to get him to tell her what all is going on with him. We both feel it goes back to his social issues and not having friends at school. He told her that he didn't take his meds today, which was odd since I stood there and watched him take it. So either he was lying to her, or spit it out when I wasn't looking.  She also said that he told her that every day when he wakes up, it's already a 'blah day'. It makes me worried that he's depressed, but I also know that he hates waking up because he doesn't sleep well, and is always so tired.  My focus lately has been on spending one on one time with him, talking with him. We snuggled under a blanket and did his devotional book tonight. He seemed to enjoy it. I've also been playing more games with him lately, to get him to interact with us more. (Farkle is a favorite!)  Tom heard something on the radio recently about a social skills class for kids at a local hospital, so I'm looking into that for E. I also bookmarked some information about cyber schools for him, should it ever come to that. I'm just trying to stockpile ideas and resources, but at the same time I feel like I haven't got a clue how to parent him or help him.

So there it is, cranky that life isn't going the way I want it to. I know I need to get over myself. Tomorrow is another day. It is what it is. You have to have some rain before you get the rainbow. yadda yadda. I get it, I know. I swear I'm trying. I'm just really super good at being cranky.  It's my father's fault really.

OH! But in good news I've lost 21 pounds total and feel like a rock star when I put on jeans in a smaller size. I'm already dreaming of what it will feel like after the next 20 come off. :) I may need a new tattoo to celebrate that day.

I spoke too soon

Yeah, Kate does blame me, hahaaaaa: I blame you.  It's ok though, because once people find out that I have this super power, they may not be so quick to cross me.

So my thyroid does have a nodule and some weird looking tissue, so I have to go see my ENT. Boooo! Seriously, thank God we don't have any caps or limits on our health insurance because we have had way too many appointments lately. Tom has the sleep study tomorrow night. At least I got to have my doctor write E's prescription for this month while I was there, so that saves me a trip next week. (It's a controlled substance so it can't be called in nor renewed.) (You know, to prevent ADDICTS from getting their hands on it, hardy har har!)

E's learning support teacher emailed me today about scheduling his IEP meeting. She also said that she noticed E had glasses today and she wondered if they were new. Apparently he took an old pair of mine from my desk drawer. He told me that they helped him to see the whiteboard better and to concentrate better. So I guess I'd better get his eyes checked, lol.

This & That

Pen removed from woman's stomach still works after 25 years. How is this not the lead story on the 6 o'clock news?! I would watch more of the news with stories like this.

I found this great video while searching for info on Weight Watchers. My thanks to Heather at Leading the Weigh, it's an excellent video and worth watching. I especially liked what he said about reducing hypertension (after minute 6) since Tom was put on medication for high blood pressure a few months ago.

Certainly there was nothing Tom could have done to prevent getting appendicitis, but it was a big reminder of how important it is to take care of our bodies. He works too much, sleeps too little and knows that he needs to lose a few pounds. But that's all easier said than done, as we all know. He needs to have a sleep study done because the ENT thinks he has sleep apnea. Add that to the list of fun things we can do while he's off from work for a few weeks, haha!

Anyhoo, I'm sure I'll be making Tom a to-do list very soon that includes taking charge of his health. I do so love a project. :)

The New Normal

I said to my father yesterday that I just want to get life back to normal, as I'm tired of the chaos we've been living the last few weeks. He said that won't happen. This annoys me, even though I know he's right. The new normal is that my grandmother is gone. The new normal is that my husband is not bulletproof.

As I watched my husband sweat and shake and groan on that hospital bed, and I thought about what it must have been like when my grandfather died at the age of 43, I wondered at what Gram's new normal must have been like.

What I don't want is for the new normal to be run by fear. Tom wanted to drop his car off for an oil change today, and he needed me to pick him up once he did this. I didn't want him to drive since he's not supposed to yet less than a week after surgery, but he said it's a short drive and no big deal. He left the house first and I got the kids into the van. I went to the dealership, but he wasn't there. I thought, 'oh duh, wrong one' because I had gone to where we get my Kia worked on. I headed over to the Chevy dealer where they would service his Cruz. He wasn't there either. I called his phone; he didn't answer. I drove back to the first place, not there. Then back to the second, still not there. I went inside and had them look his car up in case he had gotten in quickly and already left. He hadn't. They called Chrysler next door to see if he was there. He wasn't. I called his phone again, no answer. Nearly an hour had passed and I couldn't find my husband. I felt sick to my stomach and the kids were hungry and antsy, since we were supposed to be at the mall for lunch by now. I went to the first place again and called his phone again. I was panicked, where was he? Did he get sick while driving? Was he pulled over somewhere, unable to drive? I drove home, near tears.

Once inside my daughter got on the computer and found a coupon for Goodyear on the screen that he must have printed.  I left the kids and flew up to Goodyear, where he was watching tv in the lobby. I wanted to throw things at him. He was baffled, and said that he had told me he was going to Goodyear. I hadn't heard him. I don't hear a lot of things lately that are said to me, because I'm in the fog. I noticed it while still at Gram's nursing home, when a nurse asked me if I was getting on the elevator. The doors had opened and she stood in there waiting, while I stood in front of the open doors staring into space, completely lost in my own thoughts.

I spend so much time thinking about everything that I am lost inside my own head.  Maybe this is a way to protect myself too, I don't know. Like I can draw myself away from the chaos into a peaceful place. I did that when we made a second trip to the emergency room on Monday, after Tom had spent the day throwing up. His throat was raw and swollen from being intubated during surgery, and he couldn't get any food down or keep it down. We were in the ER for 4½ hours and I lost myself playing games on my Kindle as much as I could while we waited.

I don't want to live my life in fear. I need to pray about this, a lot I think, because in my heart I know that God is sovereign and has me in His hand. But my head takes over with practical facts and reminds me of the frailty of our bodies and the brevity of life. Whatever happens, I know I can trust Him. But do I? I have to keep repeating to myself that He is faithful. He is to be trusted.

I'm so thankful for the friends & family we have that have called to check on us, prayed for us, sent cards of sympathy or get well messages, or fed us. Two girlfriends took the boys for playdates yesterday too, giving them some time out of the house and giving us some much needed quiet.  Mary called while I was writing this and asked if she could do anything for me. I told her that her phone call was what I needed most; that emotional support, knowing that our friends are holding us up when we cannot stand on our own.... that is priceless to me. ♥

Well, that was fun

Because we didn't feel like our December had been exciting enough yet, what with funerals and last-minute packing & traveling hundreds of miles, we decided it would be fun to cancel yet even more Christmas plans, and head to the hospital instead. Or rather, Tom's appendix decided that we would.  Tom had an emergency appendectomy on Christmas Eve. It was all we'd ever dreamed it could be, and more. Honestly, I was thankful that it was his appendix, because when he was lying on the hospital bed, sweating, shaking with chills and excruciating pain, writhing and groaning, I thought he was having a heart attack and was going to die in front of me. So I'll take acute appendicitis for the win.

We are blessed with wonderful family & friends, who have cared for us so lovingly through this. I admit that I burst into tears when my friend Keri walked into the surgical waiting room with a hot coffee & bagel for me, saying that no one should have to sit in that room alone. I think that was the first moment that I felt it was okay to stop being strong and just cry and admit that I had been scared to death.

{opening presents with Daddy}

I have not the slightest idea why God had all of this in store for us at this time, and I don't care. I was mad at first, since I was already grieving for my grandmother and really couldn't believe that this was happening less than a week later. But it is what it is, and it could have been so much worse. His appendix was about as bad as it can get before it ruptures, which it thankfully had not. He was able to have it removed laparoscopically, which shortens recovery time. And I'm so thankful it happened while we were at home, and not travelling. We went through that in Vegas when we lost Lily, and I never want to deal with a situation like that again. Thank God it happened after we had come home from the funeral, and before we were supposed to travel to my sister's house 8 hours away. (Which of course is cancelled now.)
Tom's recovering but in pain, and his throat is raw and hurting from being tubed during surgery. He's thrown up a lot today, either from the throat irritation or what feels like a lot of phlegm that's lodged in there. Not sure if that's a side effect from the vicodin or what, but he's a bit miserable. He's thankful though, as he feels a million times better than he did beforehand.
During Gram's funeral the minister said that she was faithful, courageous and loving. I have always felt that she was amazingly courageous, facing the loss of her young husband and going on to raise their children alone. She was strong and faced the hardships of life nearly always alone. My step-grandfather died three years after they got married. She never let anything stop her, and was always active, involved in her church, traveling all over the globe.
Gram left me this legacy of being a courageous woman, and I very much want to be like her. I feel like the past few days have been my very ungraceful initiation into that role. I see more and more how that courage comes from God, because I sure didn't feel it on my own. I just keep whispering these quick prayers, asking God to give me what I need to face it all. I was leaving the pharmacy this morning and when I turned the car on, 'Courageous' by Casting Crowns was playing. I cried, because it felt so affirming. He gives me strength, again and again. We were made to be courageous - I have that line from the song in my head, and I think it over and over.
Now someone stick a fork in me, because I am DONE.

dieting

I know I've talked about this a lot lately, but whatever, it's my blog.  So I started Weight Watchers in July. I'd been trying to take of the 'baby weight' for a long time and making no progress. (Yes, the baby is five. Shut up.) I tried to eat right, and I tried to fit exercise into my schedule. I walked a ton with a friend. But the scale had yet to move in a few years, so it was time to face facts.

I was down to a lovely weight after I had E. I felt great and life was manageable. When we decided to try for our third child, I foolishly let the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive throw me off course. I gained 20 pounds by the time I got pregnant. Then during my period of depression a few years ago, I took an antidepressant that shot my weight up another 20 pounds. Needless to say I wasn't taking that prescription ever again, but by then the damage was done.

I worked hard to lose weight in my 20s, but honestly it just came off. I did the right things and every week the scale would move a tiny bit more. However, I'm now 37 and those pounds didn't want to budge. I had been encouraged by many friends on the program to join WW, but I honestly didn't think it would work for me. First off, I need to attend more meetings like a hole in the head. And with my digestive problems, any increase in fiber is difficult for me to tolerate. The first two weeks on WW I complained to Janet that it was like being in the first trimester: I was cranky, hungry and constantly had to pee. However, I soon figured out (thank you Google) that I wasn't drinking enough water. I started pushing 100 ounces a day, and suddenly the scale was my friend.

I'm hoping to hit the 20 pounds lost mark by Christmas, and I'm really really hoping to maintain over the holidays. I don't have any pants that fit, which is great but annoying. I don't want to spend the money on transition pants, but everything is hanging off me so I'm in sweat pants a lot. Which I just realized makes me look like a slob, lol.

Weight Watchers

Debby has been gone six months. I've been thinking about her the past few days, finding that the passage of time has not made me miss her less, but has brought the peace that God promises.

Debby was one of those people who lived to serve others. She never married and had no children, so her church was the central focus of her life. She gave a lot, worked hard, and no doubt received the, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant' greeting upon entering Heaven.

The downside of this is that Debby didn't take care of herself as well as she should have. She was morbidly obese up until the cancer treatments began taking pounds from her. Having fought my weight for many years now, I know that struggle all too well. When my emotional pain overwhelmed me in my early 20s, I was not at a point where I was willing to drink at work yet. But I could eat. I would get takeout from a pizza place several times a week. A pizza was not enough, since I shared with a coworker. We would also order potato salad and fried side dishes like broccoli bites. I gained 70 pounds in a year.

I don't know what impact Debby's weight had on her health. She was healthy as far as I knew up until her breast cancer diagnosis. I know there are statistics that say cancer rates for the obese are higher. I don't know if this is true for her, and it doesn't matter in the end.

The good that I can take from this loss is that I have to take charge of my health. I must pursue the healthiest life that I can, in order to serve God the best I can. I must take Reckless Abandon seriously, and it was that which led me to join Weight Watchers. I hate having to rely on a method or tool to lose weight, but on my own I made no progress. But my Reckless Abandon plan means doing something that makes me uncomfortable now, in order to achieve my goals later.

I reached my first ten pound goal this morning, and it felt really good. Really, really good. I know Debby would be proud.

Update on the Little Guy

First, some housekeeping: I'm switching from calling my youngest T, to TC.  My husband is Tom and I call him T for short ALL the time.  So calling our non-Tom son by his father's nickname was confusing, even if it was only on the blog.  So I'm going with his middle initial too, to make it TC, and you can imagine him choppering Magnum, PI around town.
So TC had a doctor's appointment yesterday, wherein she confirmed my ear infection suspicions.  He does have infection in both ears in fact, and she's worried about his lungs developing pneumonia with all the junk in there.  So back to the nebulizer which we haven't used in ages.  Every four hours, even nighttime if we can manage it, and she wants to see him again on Thursday.  She must be pretty concerned about the possibility of pneumonia to be that pro-active about it, so I'm praying a lot about TC's lungs.  I'm pretty much keeping him in the house and away from other people as much as possible so he doesn't catch anything else in the meantime. The timing is good, since there will be no school, MOPS, bible study or small group in the next two weeks, and I can keep him in a bubble.

Tis the Season....

Two weeks ago at school A. jumped into what she thought was the deep end of the pool. She did a pencil-point, where you put your arms at your sides and shoot straight to the bottom.  Unfortunately she was actually over the slope to the deep end, and hit bottom fast.  She fractured her foot. She's in a lovely green cast until next week, hopefully not longer.

This past Monday we were eating dinner and E. asked me to scratch his itchy back.  As I did, I noticed some red blotches behind both ears.  I lifted his shirt and was horrified to find that he was absolutely covered in red spots. I imagined having to move Tom in with my parents for 10 days as he swears he's never had the chicken pox.  Thankfully it turned out to be hives; just a weird reaction to the viral infection (colds) we're all getting over.  A few days of steroid and he was fine.  Tom has had it the worst of us with the cold turning into some flu-like symptoms.

T. has been hacking and snotting for over a week now, and doing asthma treatments along with cold medicine. Then yesterday he suddenly added a fever of 103° and glassy, bloodshot eyes to his symptoms.

This afternoon A. started getting a headache, and is now in bed with a migraine.  I don't remember ever having so many weird sicknesses back-to-back like this before. I'm so ready for Christmas vacation!  We all need to be cooped up and away from public germs for a week.

A Diagnosis: Better Late Than Never

The Tyrant, whom I was considering re-nicknaming on this blog, but changed my mind since he really has been a complete TYRANT lately, has been diagnosed with asthma.  And really, I'm pretty POed about the whole thing.  The short version is that he was on the nebulizer for his first two winters pretty much non-stop, due to bronchiolitis. Last winter he got a cold, which developed into a cough that never left.  I lost count of how many times he would cough all night, and I would take him to the pediatrician.  Every single time I was told that his lungs were clear, and that this was just 'his cough'.  After the 912th visit about this cough, I asked if I should take him to a specialist.  I was told that there was no point, since it was, again, just 'his cough'.
So for going on two years I have had to explain this to anyone who was a caregiver or parent, that it was in fact okay for my hacking son to be around other kids because he wasn't contagious, etc.  Four weeks ago he had a fever and some cold symptoms, and the dreaded cough began.  After a month of draining bottles of Mucinex and running the humidifier while he slept, I made an appointment.  I dreaded it, because I KNEW they were just going to tell me what they always tell me.  I determined in my mind that I would be firm about asking for a better answer about this.  I was pleased that I got him an appointment with one of my favorite doctors, and not with the PA who is completely useless.  And lo and behold, after listening to him breathe for several minutes, he took off his stethoscope and informed me that it was asthma.
I had a very mixed reaction to this, and actually almost laughed when he said it.  I also wanted to cry, because I KNEW something wasn't right and no one ever believed me.  I wanted to go find that stupid PA and tell her to go pound sand.  He called in prescriptions for various inhaler drugs and a 'breathing chamber'.  I gave him the treatment last night before bed, and he slept.  All night.  Not a single cough.  And yes, I'm about to cry just typing that.
He's never had an attack, and this it's quite possible that he'll outgrow it. As far as overall health he is fine and this is not a gigantic thing. I'm slowly getting over being mad & upset about it, and am so thankful that we finally have an answer and a treatment that works.

This & That

The Farm Chicks - This gal Serena works for Country Living Magazine and I so love her. She embodies all things country & farmy & good to me, and I'm devouring her blog.

Country Living - The Princess is selling magazine subscriptions and I gave in and ordered one. I've been well-behaved with our finances lately (see next link) and I'm working to cut out any expenses that we don't need. So this goes against that, being that I certainly don't need a magazine. But I gave in & made my daughter very happy, so that's that. Anyhoo, I am excited about this magazine. I'm looking forward to reading every bit of it, and then cutting out pictures to go in my journal. Christin inspired me recently with some fresh ideas on journaling, and I'm excited to try. I don't do much handwritten journaling anymore because carpal tunnel makes my hand cramp terribly. But I love that kind of expression so I'm going to try it.

Steven Curtis Chapman - The Man surprised me with tickets to go see SCC! It'll be a road trip too, since the venue is a few hours away. I'm already researching hiking & flea markets for the area in case we can get there early & have time for other things.

Surgery Update: I'm still recovering, and the ENT was not exaggerating when he said I would need a week to recover. This has been much harder than I could have imagined. I forgot to mention earlier that he did not send me home 'packed'. He said that he doesn't do that unless the bleeding is really excessive. So that's good, but the bad news is that I did come home with those splints that are holding my new septum in place, and they feel about as good as you're imagining right now. My post-op appointment is Wednesday afternoon, where they'll take those out. They warned me to take pain relievers ahead of time and have someone drive me home. So I have that to look forward to.

Quick Surgery Update

The surgery went perfectly. I have plastic splints up there to hold my new septum in place. I feel like death. That is all.

Doomsday

So tomorrow is the day of my surgery. Dent dent dennnnnn. I'm pretty much dreading it, not in a horrific or fearful way, but in a not wanting to go through this because it's going to suck way. I have this thing about needles. I'm aware that it's all in my head, but it's like an autonomic response of some kind. I get sweaty and swoony when I know they're about to put that IV needle in.

I got some awesome answers to prayer though, which I'm excited to share. My first concern was that I had no one to 'be me' all day. It's not like my job is all that difficult, but we have three children attending three different schools. My second concern was that we would not know my surgery time until the night before, so coordinating people to help out would be in a pending-state for days on end. I am a planner, and this made me Cray. Zee. I have to make lists and plans and graphs that I can point at with a laser when I do anything, and not being able to do that was super frustrating.

So in comes all my awesome friends who prayed for all these issues. I got the phone call two minutes into the two hour window that the hospital said they would call in, and was pleased to hear that I needed to be at the hospital at 9:30am. I may or may not have done some sort of happy dance at this point. That time slot means that I don't need to be dropping kids off at friends' houses at some ungodly hour. The Man and I can drop them off at their schools with plenty of time to get to the hospital. Yay God!

So, off we go. I know I will come home 'packed'. *shudder* I plan to spend a lot of time watching tv or annoying my Facebook friends. I am determined not to get sucked into any of those games though, no matter how much my sister says she loves FarmVille. The last thing I need is a virtual farm to be in charge of. I can just picture Shay's Giant OCD Farm.

Shay's Super Special Sinus Surgery

Like the title? Alliteration is such fun. It also distracts me from the fact that I have been avoiding this surgery for years, blahhhhh.

I had a new CT scan done of my sinuses a few weeks back, and saw my ENT yesterday about the results. I knew five years ago that I needed surgery, but because we were trying to get pregnant then, I put it off. And then somehow *magically* five years passed. I'm not sure how that happens, but I'm pretty sure that one of the kids is turning the calendar ahead while I sleep. At any rate, I am now scheduled for surgery in September. I'll be having a septoplasty and a turbinectomy. (I'm on the fence about whether it's ok to make a turban-ectomy joke here, but I really want to.)

I understood what the doctor explained to me, but being the curious sort, I decided to google the procedures when I got home anyway. Yeah, that was a bad idea. You don't want to see the pictures involved with this. Here's a safer link that just describes the surgery. And if you look on this page you can see a scan that looks much like mine. (Maybe I'll scan mine in later, but I'm too lazy right now.) The 1st picture shows what it should look like inside, and the 5th & 6th pictures show more what mine look like. The turbinate is huge on the one side and blocking me all up. (How great is that 5th picture? It's like an alien head, haha!)

So now will begin the rest of the nonsense that goes with this, which would be seeing the allergist again to be re-tested (even though we already know that I'm allergic to everything), starting allergy shots (which I've also been putting off for the above mentioned time period), and figuring out how the Man can take a night off work (when we won't know what time the surgery will be until the night before) and of course asking friends & family to do my job with the kids for a few days. I can't decide which of these things I like the least, hence why I have put this surgery off all this time. Calling out sick has never really been an option for a stay-at-home-mom. I'm guessing that the Man will have to talk me out of cancelling it all entirely in the days ahead. I know that I'll feel better with the surgery, but seriously, it's just a giant pain in the butt.

And now that I'm done whining like a little girl about it, I'm off to do housework. Hoo-rah!

My Quest to Become Frodo

It still feels funky to type with my one gimpy finger, but I miss being able to talk about myself at length, so here goes. ;)

I was leaving the mall a few weeks ago, and was exiting through one of those big old glass doors, the kind with the metal rectangle handle. As I pushed through and then started to let go, I realized too late that my wedding rings had caught on the corner of said rectangle. The door, being one of those big old glass variety, YANKED shut behind me. The pain was unbelievable and I immediately felt myself cover with sweat, as I wondered if I was going to faint. I thought for sure I was going to see bone. I looked at my hand, only to see my ring finger bloody and swelling up pretty quickly. I staggered to the car, grabbed a tube of lotion and attempted to get my rings off before the swelling got any worse. Unfortunately - *those who are weak of stomach should skip this part* - my wedding band had dug into my finger at an angle, and any attempt to push the rings off would just lift up the huge flap of flesh. I'm not squeamish about blood and such, but I really thought I was going to faint or chuck at this point. I drove straight to my doctor's office, who couldn't get it off either, but who assured me that my pulse-ox in the finger was still good. I could still turn my rings with no trouble, as the swollen part was in front of where they normally rest. He gave me a slip for an x-ray, but I knew if I went to get that done, they would want to cut my rings off to get a clear shot at the bone. I wasn't willing to do that as long as my rings weren't interfering with blood flow, so I waited.

And waited. And waited just a bit more, until two weeks later I could finally, with the help of baby oil and much gritting of teeth, twist and pull my rings off. It hurt so bad that I nearly gave up a few times, but I just felt mentally taxed having them on there. Now that they're off, the wound is healing better. The swelling is going down, but very slowly, and the underside of my finger is numb all down one side. It's an odd tingly kind of numbness, and I'm thinking I'll be back at the doctor soon to see what he thinks.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be careful with it, since it aches if I do much with that hand. My engagement ring wasn't damaged, but as you can see above, my wedding band is a nice dented oval shape. I'm glad I held out though, and the ring is fixable. I know it's just a symbol of my marriage, but it means a lot to me to keep my original rings, so I'm happy. :)

The Invisible Woman

I know, it's been ages and no blogging. I tend to blog mostly about things that make me laugh or inspire me, and lately, well, things have been kind of rough for me. I did attend the women's retreat with my new church last weekend, and I do have some good stories to share from that. I hope to get to those soon. But for now, I have just been feeling melacholy and down, and struggling with a lot of different emotions. Nothing major has happened or changed, it's just me. Me trying to get out of a funk that seems never-ending, hoping to find my way out of the dark with a little prescription help. So far I'm on my second prescription and I'm still just blah. The first one gave me nightmares, so my doctor switched me to something else. No more nightmares, but it doesn't seem to be bringing me out of it, at least not yet.

I dealt with depression for many years while I was drinking, and this is my first experience with it during sobriety. It's very hard to try to get through it without a crutch, and to face it head-on. I just want to feel like myself again. I know it will get better eventually, I don't doubt that. And I know God is with me.