Music to an alcoholic's ears

It's a good thing that I didn't have this available to me back in the day.  What a bizarre service to provide.

Let us help you find free booze!

Sanctity of Life Sunday

Today would have been my 8th Remembrance Service at my previous church. As I've said in a previous post, I had a hard time letting go of doing this, even as I knew that my heart needed to move on. I spoke with my mother earlier this evening (who still attends that church), and she told me about the wonderful message that was delivered today, and how Sanctity of Life Sunday was recognized there. My heart is full, knowing that the service has continued on, and that my former pastor feels passionately about it. They didn't do a candle-lighting, which I do hope that they bring back someday. But I'm just glad that the Day was recognized, and that losing my Lily has changed that church forever.

My new church is currently holding a fund-raiser for a local crisis pregnancy center. They support Choice One on a regular basis, and right now are collecting spare change in baby bottles. I'm really glad to be able to help in this way, to give support, and not have to lead anything this year. I have such peace today with where He has led me.

*note: Sanctity of Human Life Sunday is traditionally marked on the 3rd Sunday of January. Because of scheduling issues in the past, we usually held our event on the last Sunday of the month instead.*

I'd like to thank the Academy...

I was pleasantly surprised when Roxie, a fellow blogger, recently nominated this blog for The Lemonade Award.  "The concept of the Lemonade Award is quite simple. It is all about finding people that display a great attitude and/or gratitude. In this day and time, that is very important to have. Once nominated, all you need to do is add the Lemonade Award logo to your blog and find 10 more bloggers to nominate. All of the rules are listed below."

Gratitude is something that I will happily say that I am filled with.  And that's not because I'm so spiffy, but because God rocks and He totally blesses me with a life that I seriously don't deserve. I live in a house filled with love and blessings and hilarity, a husband that is true to me, beautiful, healthy kids, and seven years of sobriety.  Seven years of clearing my head and breaking free.  I am blessed.

I'm happy to nominate the following...

Life with my Boys

Beneath the Couch Cushions

Bring the Rain

Living on the Vine

Making Home

Yes, I'm aware that I'm supposed to nominate ten blogs, and I only nominated 5.  I do read more blogs than that, but I wanted to nominate people who really fit into this category, and not just try to fill slots.  Two of these gals have blogged about struggling to have the right attitude lately, and I admire their willingness to talk about it.  It's not easy to be honest about our character defects.  I think that we all find it therapeutic though, when we realize we are not alone in our journey to become the women that God wants us to be.

Congratulations to the winners. Please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!

3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post

4) Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5) Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

Thanks Roxie!

Squee! It's Wednesday!

The title is meaningless.  It just made me feel happy to say it that way. 

So I'm trying out Google Chrome this week.  I mostly like it but it has some quirks I am not so fond of.  The first of which being that when I am in my Bookmarks it keeps no memory of the folder I am in, so if I decide to move anything around, it does so and then closes, forcing me to reclick my way through the maze of folders.  And I know, that hardly made sense, but I have a headache and really, do you care that much to make me re-explain?  I didn't think so.  Anyhoo, Chrome also has this annoying dilemma of not allowing me to do pretty much anything in my email account, so I have to go back to IE to use that.  Otherwise it's pretty sweet, and I like very much that it is a way faster and smoother ride than IE.  If the email thing annoys me too much, I may make the jump to Mozilla.

Did you know the population of Canada is only like 32 million?  Am I the only one who didn't know that they have like a tenth of the US population?

LOST comes back tonight!  It's been like 8 or 9 months on hiatus I think?  I don't know, it's just been ages and I'm sick of waiting!  Chrissy & I have a date to watch it, and there will be popcorn and screeching of some kind.

I'm reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.  I'll post about it later, but for now I'll just say that it's taking me longer to read it than a normal book, because I don't like to read it before bed.  There is some insanely screwed up stuff in that book and I don't want my brain full of that to give me crazy nightmares.

My nonbloggingfriend linked me to a blog that I am currently obsessed with, The Omnomicon.  It's a foody blog, with lots of cooking pictures taken in natural light.  I so love those natural light food pictures; I think they just are homey or something.  She's a bit sweary sometimes, but if we're being honest, so am I, so that doesn't bother me.  I have given up nearly all of my vices in life, and cursing is the only tough-chick thing I seem to have left.  Until I can afford more tattoos of course.  Anyhow, she has this recipe for Pirogie Lasagna that I need to try.  I don't know if I am going to make my Ukee grandparents turn in their graves by desecrating The Pirogie in this way, but all that oniony cheesey goodness is beckoning me.

Overheard

I liked Trish's 'overheard' title recently so I am shamelessly stealing it.

Things overheard in our lives recently....

"Mom, how did your babies get out?"
"Yay, they're re-running that 24:Redemption show that we missed!"
"But the puppies WANTED out Mom!"
"oh my gosh!" (which wouldn't be notable except that it came out of the two year old, which made it insanely cute at the time)
"I love you" from me to my sister, while I wished desperately that we didn't live so far away, so I could squeeze and inhale that new baby boy in her arms.

"Mom I threw up."

"NOOOO~ MY POOOOO!"

"I have your son here with me."phone call from the principal to me, for various infractions

"We do not use death rays at the dinner table."

Realizations

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew recently. There is controversy about this show, and in general the sober community is not exactly on board with how rehab is presented on it. For me, I like to watch any show about recovery because I can learn from it, and discard what I don't agree with. I have to be careful though, because I know that I get jealous of people who went to rehab. That may sound sick, who would want rehab?? But it's true, I do wish I had gone to rehab. I wish that I had realized on May 28th, 2001 that I did not have to do it alone. I wish that I had reached out for help, and gone and taken the time for myself to get into recovery. I have over seven years of sobriety, and although I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others on this journey, I do not believe that I am where I should be. I hid myself away for three years, white-knuckling my way through any situation that made me want to drink. That's no way to live. I'm very thankful that a friend invited me to go with her to a meeting. It opened up a whole new world for me, of freedom in recovery, rather than enprisonment.
On this one particular episode of Celebrity Rehab, the doctor was doing intake interviews with patients. One of the women was talking about her drinking habits, and that she was a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. This was a light-bulb moment for me. I had never made that distinction between two types of drinkers. I could completely identify with her statement. Dr. Drew pointed out to her that it's harder for binge drinkers in some ways because they are capable of staying sober for periods of time, and it lulls them into a false sense of security about their ability to control their drinking. THAT is definitely me, and this was a very surprising thing to realize about myself. I was never a daily drinker, and I always thought it was because it was early in my disease, or because my self-control was just that good. I never drank before work, and I hadn't had an early morning drink since college. I didn't have a drink with dinner every night. I thought that somehow that meant I still had control on some level. But a binge drinker? That was me without question. Once I started, I could not stop. One more, and one more, and just one more. One was too many and a thousand wasn't enough.
I'm thankful for this realization. One more layer of the onion, as they say.

Remember When

We're home from our trip, and I'm swinging on my big tire swing of emotion. Back & forth, back & forth, joyful & melancholy, triumphant & heartbroken. I had many nervous feelings about going out to visit my grandmother & extended family. My grandmother has Alzheimer's Disease, and is in a 'home'. I hate that term. We moved her there, against her will, 18 months ago. That alone tears me up inside, to have taken this strong, amazing woman out of her house and into a tiny apartment. It's wrong on so many levels, and I fight not to be angry with God about it. She was widowed twice, raised her four kids alone, put them all through college, served her church and her Lord faithfully all her life..... how can this be how she spends her final years God?
So right out of the gate, preparing to go out there is emotionally draining. Add to that a variety of factors, such as my inability to get to a meeting lately, which is making me crazy. The Man's schedule flipped shifts, so we're trying to regroup, and in the meantime there has just been too many things on the calendar to compete with. I need to put my sobriety first, and when my hands get tied I get very frustrated. I had printed a meeting list for the area where we'd be staying, and then forgot to pack it. This is also the area that I went to college in, and being out there brings up a lot of that baggage. I always think I am dealing with that time in my life in a healthy way, until I drive those roads, and memories flood in to drown me. I cannot adequately describe the sheer volume of alcohol that I consumed in those two years before they kicked me out. You probably wouldn't believe me if I could. Don't get me wrong, I drank plenty in the years after that, but those two years were where I did the most frequent binge drinking. (Oh! Binge drinking was something else I wanted to blog about later, mental note.)
Bear with me here, I know I'm getting a bit rambley.
The trip itself was really lovely: lots of good food, warm laughter shared with dear loved ones that I hardly get to see these days. We were out in the country, on my uncle's farm, eating eggs from his chickens and watching the snow fall. It was very good for the soul to sit with a cup of coffee and read a good book in the stillness. Gram was in good spirits, and happy to see us. I found myself constantly trying to form solid memories of each moment with her, knowing that even if she lives til the next time I can get out for a visit, she may no longer remember me by then. When I hugged her goodbye, I wondered if it would be for the last time. I almost hope that it was. I want for her to be at peace, and not have to wither away into a monster.
On the drive home I heard one of my favorite Alan Jackson songs on the radio, Remember When. When he sang, "Remember when old ones died and new were born" I found myself crying and rejoicing at the same time, knowing that my children will continue to bring me joy long after my grandmother is gone.
I have to trust God to give me the peace I need in my broken heart. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....

A week in the country

Just checking in to say that we are relaxing in the country for a week. We're staying on my uncle's farm and visiting with lots of family that came in for a 'winter reunion'. It's snowing and very windy out, so I'm enjoying being cozy in the house with a cup of coffee and a good book.

Happy New Year!

Christmas Decorating

I recently dug all the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the attic, and found myself wondering how on earth I ever ended up with so bloody much of it. I seriously need to scale back, but I don't know what I could bear to part with. There must be 6 or 7 of those giant moving-style boxes & Rubbermaid totes that are crammed full. In addition I have a giant ceramic tree that you plug those little Lite-Brite-style bulbs into. I haven't even put that out yet because I'd like to minimize the time that the Tyrant has to ingest the bulbs.

The tree itself isn't in storage, because we prefer the live kind and picked out a nice one a few days ago. I always look forward to the tree, and the lovely smell of it in the house. I've gotten really adept at how to hang ornaments for the least amount of toddler breakage. And I've accepted the fact that the cat will drink the tree water every night while we sleep, so refilling it in the morning has become routine. I can tolerate him taking a drink because I'd rather him do that than this which I find disturbing.

Moving On

I mentioned in a previous post that we have changed churches. I don't think that I have anything very eloquent to say about this, plus we really aren't broadcasting it to anyone at our old church, hence why I really haven't talked about it. But part of me just wants to share about it, because it's a BIG STINKING DEAL, and since everything in life can affect recovery, it seems wise to open the flood gate on this one.

We've been unhappy at our church for a few years. We just felt we weren't growing there anymore, or learning much of anything. It was a great 'starter' church for us, where the people became like family, and genuinely cared for one another. But as the years went by, the things available for the men dwindled, and the Sunday school classes descended into group therapy rather than Bible study. Still, we stayed. We were involved in just enough that to leave would be difficult, and we loved the people so much. We made many close friends there over the years. But we continued to be unhappy, and were completely frustrated by the lack of 'meaty' sermons. You can only grow so much as a Christian if all you hear are Dr. Phil-esque lessons on life. I am not diametrically opposed to those kinds of sermons, but if they are all you are being fed, you are slowly becoming malnourished.

A year ago in November I had a conversation with one of my closest girlfriends about the situation. As I shared all that we were frustrated or fed up with, she gently pointed out to me that I didn't need to continue to pray about this, because God was clearly showing us the door. I resisted her point, but she repeated back to me all of the things I had told her, and asked, if the roles were reversed, would I tell her to stay or go? I knew in my heart that I had my answer. I had prayed repeatedly, and time and again He had answered me. I needed to stop asking Him questions that He had already answered. I asked her why, then, couldn't we go? She said, 'because you don't want to'. The truth was that we had a certain measure of comfort in the familiar, and to leave would be to start over in a foreign land.

So we stayed, still unhappy, but too hard-headed to do what we should. It wasn't until the beginning of August, when the Man and I hit a breaking point, that we were able to make the decision. Our marriage was a mess, we couldn't communicate, we bickered, we festered, we were unreasonable. There was a low point where I just wanted to check out of the marriage, not legally, but just emotionally. I was tired of trying. The Man and I sat down one night, and amidst many tears, we knew we had to do something drastic. We asked ourselves, if we were in a church that was feeding us spiritually, where we were learning and growing and walking in our faith the way that we were supposed to be, would we be struggling in our marriage like this? We agreed right then and there that we would finally make the change.

And now here we are, over a year after my conversation with my friend before we finally did leave. I slowly extracted myself from my commitments and we quietly left. Some of our friends have also recently left, but not for all of the same reasons. Some core reasons are the same, but individual disagreements have contributed more to their departures. My one friend stated that he would like to have left but kept his membership there, so that he could go back if circumstances changed. I thought about that, but realized that if we were going to uproot our children and take them on this journey, then we could not do so with the idea of waiting things out. We need to be committed to this change, and not to sound too Frodo-esque, but I think that over time we will realize, there is no going back. The church we have left would not be the same church that we would go back to years from now. A church is made up of changing individuals, and as such, is a fluid entity. I have found this to be very true when I have gotten together with the 'old gang' from my drinking days, and felt uncomfortable. Time has changed all of us, and sobriety has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I don't belong in that circle of friends anymore, even if they wanted me, which I'm pretty sure they do not. And that's ok now. As I go forward making my amends, I have peace about leaving that life behind.

And so it must be with this change. I have to let God give me peace about leaving that church life behind, even as it is so difficult to start all over again. We will make new friends. We will find a new niche for our family. I have left behind the Remembrance Services, which was one of the main things that held me back from leaving in the past. I wasn't willing to give those up, nor did I feel like God had released me from it. I needed to see it through. But something happened this year, a change in me that I did not expect. I became ready to finally let go. In my head I had always been willing to let go of the past, and lay my children to rest. But in my heart, I was incapable of doing this. Holding that Remembrance Service every January was a way to keep their memory alive, but it also served to keep wounds open. When God finally answered my prayers for answers, and gave me permission to walk away, I balked. It may seem senseless to someone on the outside, but when you have lost a baby, and all you have left is your grief, you are reticent to let that go. The pain was all I had left of them. I know that it's time now, and I must let go and move on. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying.

After talking and praying about this decision for so long, having made it seems anti-climatic in some ways. We have been at the new church for a few Sundays now, and are hoping to join a small group in the new year. The Man is incredibly happy, and his joy is enormously helpful to me. I need his affirmation that we made the right choice, and that we are in this together. God had told me that 2008 was going to be a big year for us, and it has been. It has been an incredibly difficult and painful year, with many challenges. We have grown in unexpected ways, and I look forward to seeing where He leads us.