The Boy's Vocabulary

I was recently driving around in my gas guzzler running errands, and I was listening, as I always do from 9 to noon on weekdays, to Glenn Beck. I don't recall what the topic was, but at one point in the program he used the word 'ass.' I thought, 'ooooh crumb, hope the Boy didn't hear that...' This hope was dashed however, as I heard my son very matter-of-factly say from the back seat, "Ass means butt."

At this point I had to do the mom-smother, which is where we cover our mouths to keep from busting out laughing when our kids say something really funny but totally inappropriate. I then gave my best mom-speech about how some words are a bit vulgar and crass and we don't use these words. He agreed, and then informed me that sometimes, "Princess* uses that word. Then she giggles."

*not her real name :P

Rarely have we seen a person fail

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." ~ How It Works

There was a young man in my home group the other night who has been in and out five times. Another young girl said she can't seem to get out of the cycle, that she keeps coming through the revolving door of AA.

The truth is though, that there is no revolving door of AA. It doesn't exist. What does exist, and what they are actually spinning, is the barrel of a gun, a gun with one bullet that they continue to play Russian Roulette with. There is no guarantee when you go back out that you will be able to get back in. I am blessed to be a first-timer. Earlier in my recovery when I heard people talk about going out and coming back, I would wonder what that was like, and my crazy brain would wonder if I could pull it off. But I know now that I never want to do that, that there isn't enough alcohol to satisfy me anyway, and it would never be as good as I imagine it to be.

Good Things

So today is Saturday, normally a good thing, and yet I'm so not enjoying it. Everyone seems to be sick with something or other, except the Man who made dinner, bless him. I'm in a salty mood off and on, due earlier in part to the fact that our internet was down for half the day which is UNACCEPTABLE. I have standards ya'll.

The Princess is not a pleasant patient. She is ornery when she's not feeling good, so she's been a GEM today. We sent her to bed to read after she refused to eat any dinner.

The Boy is easier to deal with when sick. He just wants to lay around and watch tv and snuggle, all of which is doable.

The Barnacle isn't sick, he's just ONE and has discovered the unbridled joy in THROWING THINGS. At us. A lot. It's a precious phase.

You know what's good though? Today will be over soon.

Other good things:
I'm learning to drive stick shift! I'm practically a grownup!
Nilla Wafers
my hideous green quilt that my Gram made - so cozy
The Man and the Boy in the recliner together, watching car restoration shows
insouciance - a word I had actually never heard before until this week
God's provision - somehow He always manages to surprise us
good health insurance - Barnacle's surgery only cost us 25 bucks
a husband who comes home to me every night

Hey, whaddya know? I'm enjoying Saturday after all.

The Abyss

"No one who drank as I did wakes up on the edge of the abyss one morning and says: Things look pretty scary; I think I'd better stop drinking before I fall in. I was convinced I could go as far as I wanted, and then climb back out when it wasn't fun anymore. What happened was, I found myself at the bottom of the canyon thinking I'd never see the sun again. AA didn't pull me out of that hole. It did give me the tools to construct a ladder, with Twelve Steps."

c. 2001, AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 316 With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Household of Faith

The hubs and I have been praying together, and it's so wonderful! I may have even already blogged about it but I don't care if it's a repeat! It hasn't been every day, but it's been here and there, and before bedtime a lot. It's been such a blessing and I feel like we are connecting more to one another than ever before, as we connect to God together. Two becoming one means so much more when you pray together.

Step Work

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I've been slowly working my way through the list of people that I need to make amends to. I admit I have been dragging my feet on some people. I mean really, overall, I've been sober for nearly 7 years, so I'm way overdue to be DONE with this already, but I also know that God has timed things specifically for certain reasons. I have been extremely blessed this past week, as I was able to make amends to three men that I went to college with. The first one found and contacted me on Facebook and I was thrilled. I wrote back to him, and felt a bit braver about making amends since he obviously didn't hate me or he wouldn't have contacted me. From there I found two others on his friend list that I then wrote to as well. Of the three of them, the first two were incredibly gracious and fully offered acceptance of my words, while also saying that they weren't even needed. And the third.... the third overwhelmed me by not only accepting my amend, but by telling me of his own recovery from alcoholism.

I have been so blessed as I have made amends, as one by one people have accepted me and loved me and encouraged me in my journey. But I also know that I have not had to make the hardest amends yet. I have done the easy ones so far and I am not naive enough to think that I won't get rejected at some point in this process. And I'm afraid. I know that I have to do this. I must. I cannot skip out on my step work. If I want to stay sober, I have to do this. I pray that God will give me strength to do it, to face people that may not accept my apologies. I know that He will be with me, and that even if the worst happens, I will make it through with His help. I keep singing the Casting Crowns song in my head, East to West... It reminds me of where I have come from, the depths that I sank to in my alcoholism, the woman that I allowed myself to become. I don't ever want to end up again where He found me.

East To West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

My cup runneth over

I am on fire for Jesus! It's been so amazing, since 2008 began I have just felt so motivated to get closer to God, to read His Word, to pray, and hopefully to witness when I have the chance! After all these years Tom and I are praying together! Not every night, but on a regular basis and as needed when things come up. We have the Night Light devotional book for couples and we've been doing that sporatically as well. And, drum roll please... we've started doing family devotions! I had bought a book of them ages ago and I asked the Princess if she'd like to start doing them. She not only wanted to do them, but she got out the Bible and looked up the verses and read them to us. We did it as a family Saturday night and then just she and I this afternoon. I'm incredibly pleased about doing this as a family, and I know that the Man and I praying together will bless our already good marriage. I feel so blessed, so abundantly blessed to have my perfect and precious little family. I can imagine God smiling down on us as we sat together, reading His Word and talking and praying together. I prayed first, then the Princess, and then the Boy and the Man closed. The Boy prayed about getting batteries in his Hess truck and my heart was just full with joy at his innocent little chatter.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service

Tomorrow we're holding our 7th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Service at church. I started this service in 2001 after my ectopic loss. I cannot even begin to describe what an amazing gift this service has been to me and how blessed I feel to be a part of it. God definitely gave me beauty for ashes, and the oil of joy for mourning (Isaiah 61). As much as the preparation can stress me out, I know that He is going to do amazing things tomorrow and touch a lot of hurting hearts.

Each service is very simple, but very powerful. Someone with a testimony of how God moved in their life and brought them healing after loss will share their story. We read scriptures such as Matthew 5:4, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.' The Signing Choir is performing a Steven Curtis Chapman song titled 'With Hope', about the hope that only He gives us, in knowing that we will see our lost children again someday.

For those who have lost children to miscarriage or stillbirth, I pray that you would find comfort in Him. For anyone out there who reads this, who has an abortion in their past, please know this -- God longs to reach out to you and comfort you, and forgive you. You don't have to live with the pain and the shame any more.

With Hope
This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for youwe had so many dreams
And now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the painthe pain of losing you
We can cry with hopewe can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope
because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
Never have I known anything so hard to understand
Never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free
We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
We have this hope like as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true
So we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end
We can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope
There's a place
By God's grace
There's a place where we'll see your face again
~Steven Curtis Chapman, from his 1999 album 'Speechless'

I choose....

God has been speaking to me a lot lately about being a fearless witness for Him. I am feeling more and more courage to talk about Jesus, to post more Jesus 'stuff' on my MySpace page, to just be a light for Him wherever I go. I'm really enjoying the study on Abraham that my Thursday group is doing, and I'm hopeful that my folks will start a Bible study group on Sunday nights. I love my church, but it doesn't feed me or the Man. If they do start it, the Man has already said he will go and I have high hopes for it. Something has to give, because we can't keep giving to a church that doesn't give back. I like the things my kids are doing there, but that can't be enough, not when their parents are stagnating.

I've been emotionally out of sorts since the Barnacle's surgery. I thought I would feel so relieved afterwards, but instead I still couldn't sleep..... I felt haunted for days, imagining the surgeon coming out to tell me that something had gone wrong and my son was dead. I replayed it again and again in my mind, haunting haunting haunting. I let myself stew in it, dwelling on that mother's fear. I forgot.... I forgot that my God is bigger, my God is stronger, and my God is NOT the author of fear. My God is NOT the author of confusion. He is my hope, He is my strength. I know that it is not His will that I be haunted by this, and I am choosing to not be. When it returns to my mind, I send it away, reminding myself of all of the good that God has done in my life, all of the times that He has protected my kids. The Princess could have died when she got into my grandmother's pills. The Boy could have been strangled in his umbilical cord and been stillborn. The Barnacle could have never even existed because of my damaged reproductive system. But my children are healthy and strong and my God is reliable. I choose faith over fear. I choose peace over haunting.

Girl Day

Yesterday was simply divine. My 8 year old daughter and I had a Girl Day. We do this every once in a while - maybe twice a year? We should do it more often but time gets in the way somehow. Anyhow, we went to see Enchanted. I stopped at the store first so we could load our pockets with contraband snacks and drinks. We picked perfect seats, right in the middle, and the movie was awesome! We both laughed a ton, it was really a funny and sweet film. Afterwards, we went to the mall to make some returns and look for a new backpack for her. An hour later our feet were tired and still no backpack. We went to WalMart and found what we wanted immediately. Why do we not learn to always check there first??

It was a perfect Girl Day. The Boy was jealous and fussed when we left yesterday. So he and the Man are having Boy Day later today. They're going to see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie and do whatever else it is that boys do. Boys don't shop really, but maybe they could go to Pep Boys or the RC store and beat their chests or something.